The Ice Queen Inside My Head

It is an icy day here in Kingston, Ontario. I woke before my alarm clock to the tapping of rain on my bedroom window. Knowing that freezing rain was in the forecast for the early morning, I tiptoed out to the front door to check what was going on beyond the cozyness of my home. The front step was coated with a shiny layer of transparency, and as I picked up the newspaper bag lying in front of me, it crackled when the ice broke off and fell to the ground. Winter had suddenly arrived, and with great gusto as can only happen here in Canada.



Buses are not running, and my early morning fitness class was cancelled; good call! I hear cars moving slowly down the street and the scraping of a car.  I think how crazy the man who lives across the street is for taking the risky drive to work. And yet, I am waiting for the radio announcement indicating that the college where I teach this afternoon will be closing. I am not making a phone call to let them know that I have decided not to risk my life by driving an hour (normally 20 minutes) in life threatening conditions but rather, I wait by the radio hoping that someone has the common sense to lock the college doors and tell everyone to stay home, safe and sound.

It is that little voice again, wanting me to conform, “If everyone else gets in their car, so should you”; “Why do you think you’re more important when everyone else is making the effort to be there for the students”. And then the strange feeling in my stomach as my husband tells me that I should not drive in this weather, but I contemplating getting in my car. I feel unreasonable, and yet, there is a pull inside of me that wants me to do what everyone else is doing.



It is that incessant Inner Critic, forever chirping in my mind, making my back tight, my tummy icky and the hairs on my neck tingle. It diminishes my intuition and takes control of my senses, and I feel angry that I am letting it pull me over to its side. The man across the street has finished scraping and loads his small children, backpacks and all, into his van; he’s on his way to their daycare and then to work. I say a small prayer for them. There is the eerie sound of an ambulance and the kitchen lights flicker. This brings back memories of the treacherous ice storm over a decade ago; all messages from my intuition to stay put and inside today.

It is then that I make the decision to wait until noon before calling work; maybe the ice will shift to snow, and that will be a much more manageable drive for me. Yes, I am procrastinating and justifying my being enveloped into the vortex of what I call my “dark side”; today she is the Ice Queen of Inner Critics, tomorrow she'll be someone else. Amazing, how we can twist our mind around doing what we know we shouldn’t, and ignore the part of our mind that knows what is right for us. I sit here looking out at the ice covered branches in my backyard, and hope that Mother Nature will shift so that I won’t need to be the only one with common sense today. I am hoping that others will throw their Inner Critic Queen out on the icy step, shut the door and sit in front of a nice fire with a great book today.

Drive safe, sweeties xoxo