My life used to consist of lists. Every day I would write a list of things to do, a list of things to buy, a list of places to go, and a list of people to see. I had lists of lists. As I completed each item, I would cross it off with a great sense of accomplishment. Once I moved down to having 2 or 3 items left on the list, I would move them over to the top of a new list. And so it went. My reward wasn’t just completing the list, but ensuring that another was ready to go. Because I believed that I was only worthy by completing tasks, I felt a great sense of accomplishment each time my pen swept across an item on the list. Getting closer to the end was an adrenaline rush that only someone who is disillusioned by fake happiness can feel.
You may be reading this thinking, “Did she really believe that those lists could make her happy”? But in all probability, you are saying, “I do that”! You have most likely joked about your list making and how crazy busy you are. You move through each day completing the lists and preparing the new ones for the next day. You drop into bed every night later than expected because you have been preparing your lists for the next day. You fall asleep with visions of your lists floating around in your head. You wake up in the morning and the lists pop up and prompt you to jump out of bed. No time to waste; you have to get started on the lists.
The only list I now make is my grocery list. I have to, or I will forget what I need. The rest remains unwritten. There is absolutely nothing in my life that really needs to be done today. I get ready in the morning and go to my desk and sit down. It has reminders all over it of what needs to be done. I first look in my day timer to see if I have any appointments; they are a priority as people are expecting me to show up. I then take care of any paper work that needs to be completed. After that, it is work and writing.
The absence of the list making allows me to do what feels good instead of moving through fake “should do’s” written on a piece of paper. It enables me to spend time on things that bring me joy, rather than pretending that finishing trivial chores brings me any kind of authentic fulfillment. Yes, I do still need to do mundane chores in order to maintain my household and daily living, but they are no longer my main focus. I have abandoned “faking it” and moved on to “feeling it”.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Process of Happiness
I sat down in front of my computer yesterday and realized that I had nothing to write. I had a bit of a panicky feeling as it is a rare day when I have nothing to say! Usually, the thoughts come to me while moving through my daily routine. I have a small recorder that I carry around and blurt key phrases into, and then I play them back when I am ready to let them go on paper. The recorder has been empty for a couple of days.
Last night I was chatting with a fellow life coach and friend of mine, and I explained how I was experiencing writer’s block. As we talked through my dilemma, I suddenly realized what was happening to me. I was happy. I was experiencing what it was like to be so authentically real that it was difficult for me to describe anything but being just amazingly content. To this point, I have been describing my frustrations and how I have managed to unblock them and move on to who I am meant to be. Now that I am in a place that feels right and comfortable, life seems so peaceful and uncomplicated. I know I will continue to evolve, but I will do so by being completely self aware. “So, write about that”, she said. “Help others understand how you got there, because they desperately want that too”.
So, here goes. When I wrote my first blog post on August 2, 2010, I thought my main purpose for writing was to inspire other women to reap the rewards of finding the path to authentic purpose. Little did I know that I had not yet made my way to that final destination. I now realize that even though I am in a “happy” place now, there will always be moments of trying to make sense of things and allowing myself to do that. That is the epiphany; we are all works in progress and there is no final destination. We need to come to terms with that right from the onset of our mission for trueness. If we are trying to find a magic place to get to, we will be disappointed because the work never ends. The magic is in the work and once we get to a level of authenticity, the work becomes more celebratory than painful.
When trying to lose weight, we find ourselves looking for eating strategies and exercise programs that will guide us toward that goal of physical health. Finding such a strategy for emotional health is equally helpful. My first unconscious, yet natural strategy was to spend time with friends who really loved and understood me. I was drawn to them and all their wisdom. My next aid leapt out at me from a shelf in the form of a book. “The Artist’s Way” is a 12 step program that gave me work to do every day. It gave me the purpose I needed. It kept me focused on the goal I wanted to achieve without really knowing what the goal was. In the end it turned out to be happiness, pure and simple. After spending 12 weeks reading, writing and countless hours reflecting, I realized that what I had done was given myself my own therapy. It was hard emotional work and I wondered how I had accomplished such a feat. It was because I became passionate to find the greatness of true purpose as it related only to me. No one else could tell me what I needed to do to achieve this but, me. I needed the process; I needed to do the work. And the work allowed me to think and grow and evolve. It was a natural transformation and, oh so, life altering.
Once I came to this place of peace and purpose, I knew that I needed to share the process with others. It was just too good to keep to myself. The “Deserving Women; 12 Steps to Purpose and Authenticity” was born. With its first workshop starting on April 20th, I will be offering my experience, knowledge and inspiration in the facilitation of discovering and/or re-discovering your true self and, thus, your purpose in this universe; 12 weeks, 12 women seeking their true selves in a trusting environment; each one working to find her own path with the support of others looking for the same. http://www.daretobedeserving.com/
xoxoxoxo
Last night I was chatting with a fellow life coach and friend of mine, and I explained how I was experiencing writer’s block. As we talked through my dilemma, I suddenly realized what was happening to me. I was happy. I was experiencing what it was like to be so authentically real that it was difficult for me to describe anything but being just amazingly content. To this point, I have been describing my frustrations and how I have managed to unblock them and move on to who I am meant to be. Now that I am in a place that feels right and comfortable, life seems so peaceful and uncomplicated. I know I will continue to evolve, but I will do so by being completely self aware. “So, write about that”, she said. “Help others understand how you got there, because they desperately want that too”.
So, here goes. When I wrote my first blog post on August 2, 2010, I thought my main purpose for writing was to inspire other women to reap the rewards of finding the path to authentic purpose. Little did I know that I had not yet made my way to that final destination. I now realize that even though I am in a “happy” place now, there will always be moments of trying to make sense of things and allowing myself to do that. That is the epiphany; we are all works in progress and there is no final destination. We need to come to terms with that right from the onset of our mission for trueness. If we are trying to find a magic place to get to, we will be disappointed because the work never ends. The magic is in the work and once we get to a level of authenticity, the work becomes more celebratory than painful.
When trying to lose weight, we find ourselves looking for eating strategies and exercise programs that will guide us toward that goal of physical health. Finding such a strategy for emotional health is equally helpful. My first unconscious, yet natural strategy was to spend time with friends who really loved and understood me. I was drawn to them and all their wisdom. My next aid leapt out at me from a shelf in the form of a book. “The Artist’s Way” is a 12 step program that gave me work to do every day. It gave me the purpose I needed. It kept me focused on the goal I wanted to achieve without really knowing what the goal was. In the end it turned out to be happiness, pure and simple. After spending 12 weeks reading, writing and countless hours reflecting, I realized that what I had done was given myself my own therapy. It was hard emotional work and I wondered how I had accomplished such a feat. It was because I became passionate to find the greatness of true purpose as it related only to me. No one else could tell me what I needed to do to achieve this but, me. I needed the process; I needed to do the work. And the work allowed me to think and grow and evolve. It was a natural transformation and, oh so, life altering.
Once I came to this place of peace and purpose, I knew that I needed to share the process with others. It was just too good to keep to myself. The “Deserving Women; 12 Steps to Purpose and Authenticity” was born. With its first workshop starting on April 20th, I will be offering my experience, knowledge and inspiration in the facilitation of discovering and/or re-discovering your true self and, thus, your purpose in this universe; 12 weeks, 12 women seeking their true selves in a trusting environment; each one working to find her own path with the support of others looking for the same. http://www.daretobedeserving.com/
xoxoxoxo
Friday, February 25, 2011
Letting Go and Freedom
There are times in our lives when we just need to let go. Let go of things, let go of jobs, let go of people. Letting go is something that we all fear. Even when we realize that by hanging on we are sacrificing any chance of personal growth or happiness, we find comfort in what we know. It is facing the fear of letting go of what or who we know that is the difficult part.
Letting go of anything that we believe has become a part of who we are can become so overwhelming that we simply avoid the craving to cut off ties completely. We cling to it as if we cannot function without it. We justify its place in our lives and pretend that we won’t be whole without it. There is a sense that we will be losing a piece of ourselves.
It takes much courage to come to terms with the fact that the opposite is true. Once we recognize how damaging holding on to something or someone whose presence creates authentic resistance, we suddenly release its power over us and relish in all the freedom that is created from pushing it away. Getting rid of its toxicity actually allows us to be more authentic and empowered. At first we feel uncomfortable because we still fear possible consequences and loss. However, once we start the detachment, we realize that we become more comfortable in our skin than we have ever been before.
All we need is to seek the warrior within us that guides us to do what is right for us and no one else. Allowing yourself to let go of all the things and people that are blocking your true existence will free you of feelings of guilt, shame, fault, and blame. Once you do this, you will be protecting your very deserving being and who you were meant to be.
Letting go of anything that we believe has become a part of who we are can become so overwhelming that we simply avoid the craving to cut off ties completely. We cling to it as if we cannot function without it. We justify its place in our lives and pretend that we won’t be whole without it. There is a sense that we will be losing a piece of ourselves.
It takes much courage to come to terms with the fact that the opposite is true. Once we recognize how damaging holding on to something or someone whose presence creates authentic resistance, we suddenly release its power over us and relish in all the freedom that is created from pushing it away. Getting rid of its toxicity actually allows us to be more authentic and empowered. At first we feel uncomfortable because we still fear possible consequences and loss. However, once we start the detachment, we realize that we become more comfortable in our skin than we have ever been before.
All we need is to seek the warrior within us that guides us to do what is right for us and no one else. Allowing yourself to let go of all the things and people that are blocking your true existence will free you of feelings of guilt, shame, fault, and blame. Once you do this, you will be protecting your very deserving being and who you were meant to be.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Deserving Love
The last couple of days have been difficult as I watch and listen to my friend who is moving through a tumultuous time. What is so devastating for me is the unnecessary grief that has been bestowed upon her. Then I wonder, is there really a reason for everything? Was this all meant to be? How do we come to these moments in our lives when nothing really seems to make any sense?
I have been through many times of disparage. When I thought that nothing would be better, clear or good again; when my marriage was anything but perfect and my life felt void of any purpose. The ebb and flow over the years and the fight to want it all to work brought me to where I am now. A long journey and a will to get to the destination is what it took. But, I did not work alone, and that is the missing link for many. I am grateful for a man who grew with me and made the effort to understand me when I may not have made much sense to him. He took the time to believe in me even when he didn’t believe in or understand what I was doing. Through all the disagreements and challenges that we faced, we always had each other’s back; a partnership in the end; a meeting of souls.
Through my recent and most significant evolution, I was sceptical that he would not endure my transformation. But, he hung in and allowed me to follow my intuition knowing that I would ensure he would fit into the equation. And he was right because he trusted me and I trusted him; silent communication and unspoken respect. That is love, and that is what we are all deserving of. xoxoxoxo
I have been through many times of disparage. When I thought that nothing would be better, clear or good again; when my marriage was anything but perfect and my life felt void of any purpose. The ebb and flow over the years and the fight to want it all to work brought me to where I am now. A long journey and a will to get to the destination is what it took. But, I did not work alone, and that is the missing link for many. I am grateful for a man who grew with me and made the effort to understand me when I may not have made much sense to him. He took the time to believe in me even when he didn’t believe in or understand what I was doing. Through all the disagreements and challenges that we faced, we always had each other’s back; a partnership in the end; a meeting of souls.
Through my recent and most significant evolution, I was sceptical that he would not endure my transformation. But, he hung in and allowed me to follow my intuition knowing that I would ensure he would fit into the equation. And he was right because he trusted me and I trusted him; silent communication and unspoken respect. That is love, and that is what we are all deserving of. xoxoxoxo
Monday, February 21, 2011
Strange Gifts that Shine
Today I was disappointed to find out that someone I had been giving the benefit of the doubt to was, in fact, guilty as charged. I suppose I wanted to believe that he was incapable of hurting a very dear girlfriend of mine to the degree that he did. She had her suspicions, and she was right. Because she followed what her heart told her and kept seeking the truth, he finally admitted his indiscretion and has met his obvious demise. I am so proud of her and her unwillingness to allow her to become disempowered by his lies and disseat.
Alas, it is once again an example of following our instinct rather than using logic to navigate us to our destination. Sometimes, we just don’t have any reasoning to guide us but, we know instinctively that something isn’t right, or that something is incredibly great. We “feel” and we listen to the “feeling”. In this case, it was not the outcome that she would have chosen, but it was reality and it had to be known in order for her to move forward.
Even though she may not recognize it as so right now, in many ways this is a gift. What she has discovered will allow her to shine in ways that she has not done in a very long time. This is her opportunity to rediscover her true authenticity and she will become more empowered by her ability to freely be who she truly is without any restrictions.
I wish her much self love because she has no lack of outside love from an abundance of people. She is very deserving of all she believes she should have, which really consists of only one thing; being happy. So, be happy dear one. Keep following your intuition. Do what you need to do to keep your light shining bright and know that you are loved.
Alas, it is once again an example of following our instinct rather than using logic to navigate us to our destination. Sometimes, we just don’t have any reasoning to guide us but, we know instinctively that something isn’t right, or that something is incredibly great. We “feel” and we listen to the “feeling”. In this case, it was not the outcome that she would have chosen, but it was reality and it had to be known in order for her to move forward.
Even though she may not recognize it as so right now, in many ways this is a gift. What she has discovered will allow her to shine in ways that she has not done in a very long time. This is her opportunity to rediscover her true authenticity and she will become more empowered by her ability to freely be who she truly is without any restrictions.
I wish her much self love because she has no lack of outside love from an abundance of people. She is very deserving of all she believes she should have, which really consists of only one thing; being happy. So, be happy dear one. Keep following your intuition. Do what you need to do to keep your light shining bright and know that you are loved.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
All You Need is Love
Time and time again, we are presented with situations that test our integrity. We waffle between the doing the right thing and doing what will maintain peace. These tests present themselves when your husband’s thoughts seem more like a demand than an opinion; when your child’s retaliation seems more like a threat of her love for you than a need for discipline; when a friend’s conversation seems more like an expression of pain than a cry for your help.
We struggle with the choice of which avenue to take. Sometimes our heart wants us to succumb to the easier path of submission rather than follow our hearts and gently present what each one knows is true. It is fear that blocks this choice to stand up and present what our loved one does not want to hear, yet so desperately needs to accept. It is courage that allows us to be prepared to hear the backlash and not be hurt by the other’s defensive retaliation. It is compassion that allows us to listen to what the other has to say, and then ask them to listen to us. It is love that will allow both of us to meet at the end of the road and embrace our respect for one another in order to move forward.
We struggle with the choice of which avenue to take. Sometimes our heart wants us to succumb to the easier path of submission rather than follow our hearts and gently present what each one knows is true. It is fear that blocks this choice to stand up and present what our loved one does not want to hear, yet so desperately needs to accept. It is courage that allows us to be prepared to hear the backlash and not be hurt by the other’s defensive retaliation. It is compassion that allows us to listen to what the other has to say, and then ask them to listen to us. It is love that will allow both of us to meet at the end of the road and embrace our respect for one another in order to move forward.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Choosing and Allowing
For as much effort that I put forth in maintaining a balanced and calm existence, from time to time a bit of chaos and unwanted dysfunction still manages to creep in. When it happens I take note and reflect on why it presents itself when I so abhor its existence. At first, I think it’s bound to happen; life is not perfect and I cannot control everything. Then, I re-evaluate the circumstances and realize that most of these situations were avoidable and could have been managed more positively and, thus, effectively.
It goes back to the “allowing” part of our being. Think about a time when you were in a place or part of a conversation that became toxic. You felt like there was no way out and, frustration mounted to a point when crying became inevitable. You wonder how you got there and why you are still standing there. You feel like you need to defend yourself, and yet, you know that no defence in the world will help you because you are stuck. You are out of your comfort level.
Most likely you brought yourself to this place and freely engaged in the conversation. You probably would have liked to be anywhere else but “there” and, you may have begun the dialogue yourself or, freely responded to the person who initiated it. You may have brought yourself to a situation that does not reflect your opinions, and presents opposing beliefs from yours. These were all choices that you made without anyone holding a gun to your head. This is the part where you made the decision to “allow” a place or a person into your life who is not conducive to your true values. Your authentic self cannot healthily exist in this environment because it does not hold the same belief system that you do.
This is called avoidable and unnecessary personal grief. It is usually triggered by the need for money, a career or, it is simply ego based. The latter is often more prevalent as we “allow” our egos to control what we do and say, rather than follow our intuition and “disallow” ourselves to go places or seek people that don’t fit our authenticity. It is a pattern that can determine our path in life. The struggle to choose between ego and authenticity can become a difficult fight if we are unwilling to listen to our hearts.
And so, on this day when I did “allow” my being to go to a place of unrest and confrontation, I reflect on my responsibility with making myself present in this situation. With all good intensions I put myself out there to try to resolve a problem that I thought could be made better. I knew that my efforts would be unnoticed and even challanged, and yet, I still went there, to that ominous place of feeling de-valued. My choice and my lessoned learned as I promise myself never to go there again. We'll see.................
It goes back to the “allowing” part of our being. Think about a time when you were in a place or part of a conversation that became toxic. You felt like there was no way out and, frustration mounted to a point when crying became inevitable. You wonder how you got there and why you are still standing there. You feel like you need to defend yourself, and yet, you know that no defence in the world will help you because you are stuck. You are out of your comfort level.
Most likely you brought yourself to this place and freely engaged in the conversation. You probably would have liked to be anywhere else but “there” and, you may have begun the dialogue yourself or, freely responded to the person who initiated it. You may have brought yourself to a situation that does not reflect your opinions, and presents opposing beliefs from yours. These were all choices that you made without anyone holding a gun to your head. This is the part where you made the decision to “allow” a place or a person into your life who is not conducive to your true values. Your authentic self cannot healthily exist in this environment because it does not hold the same belief system that you do.
This is called avoidable and unnecessary personal grief. It is usually triggered by the need for money, a career or, it is simply ego based. The latter is often more prevalent as we “allow” our egos to control what we do and say, rather than follow our intuition and “disallow” ourselves to go places or seek people that don’t fit our authenticity. It is a pattern that can determine our path in life. The struggle to choose between ego and authenticity can become a difficult fight if we are unwilling to listen to our hearts.
And so, on this day when I did “allow” my being to go to a place of unrest and confrontation, I reflect on my responsibility with making myself present in this situation. With all good intensions I put myself out there to try to resolve a problem that I thought could be made better. I knew that my efforts would be unnoticed and even challanged, and yet, I still went there, to that ominous place of feeling de-valued. My choice and my lessoned learned as I promise myself never to go there again. We'll see.................
Sending You Love Roses
xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Authenticity and Joy
As I sat in the women’s networking meeting the other day and thought about how I would describe by business, it occurred to me that I hadn’t prepared anything. In the past, I would have thought about this for days. I would have written something down and walked around with it everywhere I went. I would have edited it hourly and then, finally, typed it out and altered again it until I felt I had reached what I felt was the “perfect” script.
I now had a twinge of nerves as I realized that I had nothing rehearsed and it was almost my turn. I took a deep breath in and then slowed my breathing down. I thought, “All I need is one line to start me off”. But, what would that be? Watching each woman stand up and talk about their new business with, what seemed like, great ease was intimidating. How were they feeling so confident while I felt like I was going to throw up?
Then it hit me. They all felt like I did, but somehow they managed to hide their fear and rise above the panic. They were faking it. Well, I knew how to do that! I had been faking it all my life. Being someone I am not is what I had done best for 40 years. I knew exactly how I was going to begin the introduction to my newfound business. It was my turn and I stood up.
“Have you ever felt like you were faking it?” I looked around the room and asked them the same question I present to many women I meet. They looked up at me and some of them giggled, with thoughts of the sexual connotation swirling around their heads. The more serious glances and nodding of heads up and down indicated an understanding of my question. The stillness of the room was impactful and the gigglers sat quiet now. I continued to present without hesitation. My passion took over, and I exceeded my 5 minute presentation limit.
It was then that I realized that just being myself is all I ever have to be. Trying to be anything more or less resides outside of the boundaries of authenticity. The simplicity of this is so clear now that I wonder how we don’t see when it starts to slip away. Maybe we make our lives so complicated that the simple things fall through the cracks and eventually become obsolete. It’s a gradual, dangerous shift that we allow as we fear the existence of being unique. The beauty of being different somehow becomes the ugly, and our sense of selves gets shoved aside.
Taking the time to sit quietly and alone doing something that we enjoy creates a calm that stimulates a thought process like no other. It allows your thoughts to wander without any focus. You begin to think as a small child, with no direction and no purpose. Your thoughts move from one place to another and you begin to smile or cry without realizing it. You begin to “feel” like you haven’t felt for a long time. You are in a place of authenticity and joy; you are where you are meant to be.
I now had a twinge of nerves as I realized that I had nothing rehearsed and it was almost my turn. I took a deep breath in and then slowed my breathing down. I thought, “All I need is one line to start me off”. But, what would that be? Watching each woman stand up and talk about their new business with, what seemed like, great ease was intimidating. How were they feeling so confident while I felt like I was going to throw up?
Then it hit me. They all felt like I did, but somehow they managed to hide their fear and rise above the panic. They were faking it. Well, I knew how to do that! I had been faking it all my life. Being someone I am not is what I had done best for 40 years. I knew exactly how I was going to begin the introduction to my newfound business. It was my turn and I stood up.
“Have you ever felt like you were faking it?” I looked around the room and asked them the same question I present to many women I meet. They looked up at me and some of them giggled, with thoughts of the sexual connotation swirling around their heads. The more serious glances and nodding of heads up and down indicated an understanding of my question. The stillness of the room was impactful and the gigglers sat quiet now. I continued to present without hesitation. My passion took over, and I exceeded my 5 minute presentation limit.
It was then that I realized that just being myself is all I ever have to be. Trying to be anything more or less resides outside of the boundaries of authenticity. The simplicity of this is so clear now that I wonder how we don’t see when it starts to slip away. Maybe we make our lives so complicated that the simple things fall through the cracks and eventually become obsolete. It’s a gradual, dangerous shift that we allow as we fear the existence of being unique. The beauty of being different somehow becomes the ugly, and our sense of selves gets shoved aside.
Taking the time to sit quietly and alone doing something that we enjoy creates a calm that stimulates a thought process like no other. It allows your thoughts to wander without any focus. You begin to think as a small child, with no direction and no purpose. Your thoughts move from one place to another and you begin to smile or cry without realizing it. You begin to “feel” like you haven’t felt for a long time. You are in a place of authenticity and joy; you are where you are meant to be.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tarot Cards and Affirmations
Here I sit back at my desk after being away from writing for a full week. The last seven days have been full of work, fun and many beginnings. I am working diligently pulling together all the loose strings of the “Deserving Women” group, creating brochures and other advertising materials, finding a room for the weekly workshop and just, generally, spreading the word that something incredible is about to happen.
Feeling exuberated and running with the adrenaline that is created from that passion, I found myself sometimes fleetingly wondering, if something was going to stop me any time soon. It all seemed to be flowing at an incredibly fast and, yet, smooth pace. I was intrigued with my reflection of these moments as they presented both annoyance and incredible awakening. Annoyance was presented because I knew that these thoughts were just elements of my past disturbing a beautiful experience. Awakening was achieved because, instead of allowing them to control this moment, I found the strength to push them aside and continue with my vision.
Then reiteration that I was on the right path came when I had the opportunity to sit through another tarot card reading. It has been 6 months since my last one (see blog post in August, 2010 “Bonita”) and the readings were like night and day. This time I sat calmly and at peace in front of my reader, and I felt a sense of optimism emanating from the stacks of cards. She had about 8 stacks of cards and each was cut 3 times before she read them. She told me many things and all of them hit home. I heard phrases like “trying to find balance”, “you have passed the test”, “you’re a deep thinker” and “you are finally practicing self love”. All of these were positive and provided me with the affirmation that I already had of being in a very good place, but I wanted more, something specific and valid.
And then, just as I was wishing for that one sentence, it arrived like a butterfly landing on your arm when you least expect it. “Do you write?” I looked at her and giggled. She continued with more emphasis, “You are a writer, and you are so good at it.” “You need to keep going with that, because you are book-publishing good”. I was speechless. Until now, I have been the only one to say the words, “I am a writer”, and it took me a lifetime to do so. I was now sitting across from someone who I had never met, and she said the words again, “You are a writer.”
She leaned forward and gazed deeply into my eyes, “you need to continue on this path my dear; this is your destiny”. I looked at her and tears welled up in my eyes. I sat up, met her gaze and said, confidently, “I know”.
Feeling exuberated and running with the adrenaline that is created from that passion, I found myself sometimes fleetingly wondering, if something was going to stop me any time soon. It all seemed to be flowing at an incredibly fast and, yet, smooth pace. I was intrigued with my reflection of these moments as they presented both annoyance and incredible awakening. Annoyance was presented because I knew that these thoughts were just elements of my past disturbing a beautiful experience. Awakening was achieved because, instead of allowing them to control this moment, I found the strength to push them aside and continue with my vision.
Then reiteration that I was on the right path came when I had the opportunity to sit through another tarot card reading. It has been 6 months since my last one (see blog post in August, 2010 “Bonita”) and the readings were like night and day. This time I sat calmly and at peace in front of my reader, and I felt a sense of optimism emanating from the stacks of cards. She had about 8 stacks of cards and each was cut 3 times before she read them. She told me many things and all of them hit home. I heard phrases like “trying to find balance”, “you have passed the test”, “you’re a deep thinker” and “you are finally practicing self love”. All of these were positive and provided me with the affirmation that I already had of being in a very good place, but I wanted more, something specific and valid.
And then, just as I was wishing for that one sentence, it arrived like a butterfly landing on your arm when you least expect it. “Do you write?” I looked at her and giggled. She continued with more emphasis, “You are a writer, and you are so good at it.” “You need to keep going with that, because you are book-publishing good”. I was speechless. Until now, I have been the only one to say the words, “I am a writer”, and it took me a lifetime to do so. I was now sitting across from someone who I had never met, and she said the words again, “You are a writer.”
She leaned forward and gazed deeply into my eyes, “you need to continue on this path my dear; this is your destiny”. I looked at her and tears welled up in my eyes. I sat up, met her gaze and said, confidently, “I know”.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Art of Unblocking
For those of you who have been reading my blog from its inception, you know that for the last 6 months I have been allowing myself to just engage in things that really bring me great joy. I had to go all the way back to my childhood to figure out what that really was because I hadn’t felt that for a long time. The only other time I had was when my kids were young and we did all kinds of fun things together, mostly centred on crafts and creating.
It was actually over a year ago, mid September that a dear friend of mine invited me to visit another wonderful friend in Toronto to take in her daughter’s art show. I had not seen her for years. We arrived on a Friday and, that night she invited us to sit around her kitchen table and make inspirational cards. She pulled out stamps and markers, ribbons and beads, envelopes and stickers. I sat and looked at all the items on the table and was overwhelmed wondering what the expectation was of me. Where was the prototype? What were the cards supposed to look like? I was caught off guard because everything about me at that time was in such a controlled state. The thought of sitting in front of people doing something I was not prepared to do was scary. I remember thinking, and I may have even asked, “What if I do it wrong?” That may sound silly after all, it was just card-making, but it was then that I truly realized how “out of control” I actually was.
My friends looked at me and told me to just play; just have fun. Once we got playing with the stamps etc. I began to relax, and suddenly I wanted to cry. This was a great epiphany for me because I eventually realized that the most important part of me had been pushed aside for a very long time. I used to be creative. I used to have fun. When I was younger, I dreamed of being an artist and then a writer. I wondered what had happened to me; where had I gone? I had truly been struck by a bolt of lightning, but this was just the beginning of the great storm called “Diana”.
I arrived home late Sunday and the next day I found myself driving to Chapters. I was in search of something, but I didn’t know what. Not surprising, I ended up in the self-help section, looking for the book that would magically transform me into whatever it was that I was looking for. I wasn’t there long when my eye caught the navy blue binding of “The Complete Artist’s Way”. I pulled it out and looked at the cover that read, “Creativity as a Spiritual Practice”. I didn’t open it or read the back. I liked the feel of it, the texture. Everything about it "felt" right; that’s all I needed; no logic, no direction. This book jumped out at me and screamed, “Take me home”. I held it tight and walked to the checkout. When I got home, I began to read, and worked through the 12 week program including exercises that require Daily Writings. This lead to my daily blog which, in turn, lead to my high school presentations inspiring young women not to lose themselves amidst this world of chaos. I am now throwing myself out there as a freelance writer and letting each moment guide me as it comes.
After much reflection and evolution, I have been awakened to the discovery of my true calling. It is now time for me to fully commit to my love of creativity and inspiration. As a Life Coach in training, I will be facilitating my first “Artist’s Way” twelve week workshop series starting the beginning of April (date yet to be determined).
We wonder how doors open for us and how our paths take us in the right direction. It is not a coincidence, but rather, a choice. It involves being receptive to what is and being able to unblock the barriers of our past. I was meant to be at that kitchen table sitting in front of those cards, and I allowed myself to be in that moment. I was meant to be sitting across from the great creative energy of my friend who knew what I needed to get me moving on to the next stage of my life, and I opened my heart to her unspoken message. Her subtle inspiration has guided me from a distance, and I allowed myself to listen to what she was saying. In the end, I allowed myself to follow the clues of authenticity. I allowed myself to listen to my intuition and take that book home. I threw myself out into the blogger world just knowing it felt right. I began speaking to young girls at schools because a force greater than anything I know told me to. I didn’t question it. And now, I am moved to the practice of coaching other women in finding this amazing and new existence I am now living. I feel no trepidation and no hesitation; it is a natural progression and where I am meant to be. Won't you join me? xoxo
It was actually over a year ago, mid September that a dear friend of mine invited me to visit another wonderful friend in Toronto to take in her daughter’s art show. I had not seen her for years. We arrived on a Friday and, that night she invited us to sit around her kitchen table and make inspirational cards. She pulled out stamps and markers, ribbons and beads, envelopes and stickers. I sat and looked at all the items on the table and was overwhelmed wondering what the expectation was of me. Where was the prototype? What were the cards supposed to look like? I was caught off guard because everything about me at that time was in such a controlled state. The thought of sitting in front of people doing something I was not prepared to do was scary. I remember thinking, and I may have even asked, “What if I do it wrong?” That may sound silly after all, it was just card-making, but it was then that I truly realized how “out of control” I actually was.
My friends looked at me and told me to just play; just have fun. Once we got playing with the stamps etc. I began to relax, and suddenly I wanted to cry. This was a great epiphany for me because I eventually realized that the most important part of me had been pushed aside for a very long time. I used to be creative. I used to have fun. When I was younger, I dreamed of being an artist and then a writer. I wondered what had happened to me; where had I gone? I had truly been struck by a bolt of lightning, but this was just the beginning of the great storm called “Diana”.
I arrived home late Sunday and the next day I found myself driving to Chapters. I was in search of something, but I didn’t know what. Not surprising, I ended up in the self-help section, looking for the book that would magically transform me into whatever it was that I was looking for. I wasn’t there long when my eye caught the navy blue binding of “The Complete Artist’s Way”. I pulled it out and looked at the cover that read, “Creativity as a Spiritual Practice”. I didn’t open it or read the back. I liked the feel of it, the texture. Everything about it "felt" right; that’s all I needed; no logic, no direction. This book jumped out at me and screamed, “Take me home”. I held it tight and walked to the checkout. When I got home, I began to read, and worked through the 12 week program including exercises that require Daily Writings. This lead to my daily blog which, in turn, lead to my high school presentations inspiring young women not to lose themselves amidst this world of chaos. I am now throwing myself out there as a freelance writer and letting each moment guide me as it comes.
After much reflection and evolution, I have been awakened to the discovery of my true calling. It is now time for me to fully commit to my love of creativity and inspiration. As a Life Coach in training, I will be facilitating my first “Artist’s Way” twelve week workshop series starting the beginning of April (date yet to be determined).
We wonder how doors open for us and how our paths take us in the right direction. It is not a coincidence, but rather, a choice. It involves being receptive to what is and being able to unblock the barriers of our past. I was meant to be at that kitchen table sitting in front of those cards, and I allowed myself to be in that moment. I was meant to be sitting across from the great creative energy of my friend who knew what I needed to get me moving on to the next stage of my life, and I opened my heart to her unspoken message. Her subtle inspiration has guided me from a distance, and I allowed myself to listen to what she was saying. In the end, I allowed myself to follow the clues of authenticity. I allowed myself to listen to my intuition and take that book home. I threw myself out into the blogger world just knowing it felt right. I began speaking to young girls at schools because a force greater than anything I know told me to. I didn’t question it. And now, I am moved to the practice of coaching other women in finding this amazing and new existence I am now living. I feel no trepidation and no hesitation; it is a natural progression and where I am meant to be. Won't you join me? xoxo
Friday, February 4, 2011
Quest for Purpose
I have been working on all kinds of different things lately, and all are projects that I absolutely love doing. It’s like I’m on strike from the things that I don’t like doing. I have had no plan, reason or any kind of logic behind what I choose to do. The only motivator has been the love of the activity, and that I feel like doing it. I think that deep down in the depths of my soul I knew that all of these little passions of mine would come together and form one great epiphany. And that it did.
6 months ago, I went on a quest to find myself again. I was lost, and I felt broken. Once I faced this fact and summoned up the courage to face my fear of it, my evolution began. I allowed myself to just start feeling. Every decision I made was based on my intuition and how I felt; no logic. Before I knew it, I had created a blog and was writing again, something I haven’t done in a very long time. I began talking with young women in local high schools about everything that I feel is imperative in maintaining a healthy life. I started working part time at the college in the esthetics program, again supporting young women. Finally, I am in the process of organizing a women’s group, “Deserving Women” which will focus on women inspiring women to be their authentic selves.
Last week, I sat quiet and reflected on all of the things that I was doing. I wondered if there was a common denominator. Although I was doing what I wanted, I felt like there was a missing link; something that would connect it all together and provide me with a real calling, a true purpose. I realized that what I am meant to do is inspire and guide women in their quest for purpose and joy.
I am now in the process of pulling all of my projects together to create one. I can feel that this is my purpose in life, and that because I removed all of my barriers and allowed myself to just be me, it all evolved with great ease.
It may seem easy to stay back and live each day doing what others think we should do, but that is not what was intended for us. We were chosen to live in this universe with our own individual purpose and joy. It is up to each one of us to make the choice to follow what was meant to be, not what we think others expect us to be. We need to be courageous enough to sit quiet and listen to our souls; it will tell us what we need to do and where we need to be and who we need to be with. Being honest and courageous is all it takes.
6 months ago, I went on a quest to find myself again. I was lost, and I felt broken. Once I faced this fact and summoned up the courage to face my fear of it, my evolution began. I allowed myself to just start feeling. Every decision I made was based on my intuition and how I felt; no logic. Before I knew it, I had created a blog and was writing again, something I haven’t done in a very long time. I began talking with young women in local high schools about everything that I feel is imperative in maintaining a healthy life. I started working part time at the college in the esthetics program, again supporting young women. Finally, I am in the process of organizing a women’s group, “Deserving Women” which will focus on women inspiring women to be their authentic selves.
Last week, I sat quiet and reflected on all of the things that I was doing. I wondered if there was a common denominator. Although I was doing what I wanted, I felt like there was a missing link; something that would connect it all together and provide me with a real calling, a true purpose. I realized that what I am meant to do is inspire and guide women in their quest for purpose and joy.
I am now in the process of pulling all of my projects together to create one. I can feel that this is my purpose in life, and that because I removed all of my barriers and allowed myself to just be me, it all evolved with great ease.
It may seem easy to stay back and live each day doing what others think we should do, but that is not what was intended for us. We were chosen to live in this universe with our own individual purpose and joy. It is up to each one of us to make the choice to follow what was meant to be, not what we think others expect us to be. We need to be courageous enough to sit quiet and listen to our souls; it will tell us what we need to do and where we need to be and who we need to be with. Being honest and courageous is all it takes.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Teenagers and Mothers Don't Think the Same Way
When I was a young girl I remember my mom became very ill, and she was in bed in a lot of pain. We didn’t know what was wrong with her, and I was secretly very worried about her. I didn’t show her because I wanted to be strong and not upset her, so I did my best to make her feel better. She got worse as the day went on, and she called our family doctor. Back then, family doctors still did house calls if patients were very ill.
My mother called me into her bedroom and told me that the doctor was on his way, and she asked me to let him in when he arrived. I can still see her lying on the bed in a nightgown that I clearly felt was totally inappropriate for her to be wearing for a doctor’s visit; I was 13 and this seemed to be important to me. I turned to her and, very undiplomatically, asked her if she was going to change into something else. I knew as soon as I opened my mouth that I should have kept it shut. She turned to me, and I could feel the hurt that I had caused her emanate from her body. She glared at me and told me how disappointed she was that I would take the time to say something like that given how much pain she was in. She told that she was my mother and that saying something like that had hurt her feelings.
I was devastated. I remember questioning why had said something like that. Had I really wanted to hurt my mother? I loved her. Why did I care what she had on? I really thought that she would have wanted to change out of the negligee and put on her flannels. I knew that I could not fix this because I believed that once you hurt someone’s feelings, you could never redeem yourself. The damage was done, and I would need to live with that fact. We never had a conversation about that incident after in occurred because I wasn’t about to bring the topic up and I’m sure my mother felt that she had dealt with it effectively.
Now that I have teenagers of my own I know that my mother had good intensions. She was trying to teach me that what you wear doesn’t determine who you are and that criticism can be painful. Unfortunately, she was in a lot of pain and her fear determined how she communicated her message. Perhaps this was an error on her part, but to cut her some slack, she was not in the best physical or mental state to reflect on her delivery. She did, however, have a chance to think about what had transpired, and she also had the choice to come back to me later to discuss our interaction. Again, in her defence, she was probably absorbed in the fact that she was having a gallbladder attack and had to go to the hospital. All I could think of while she was in the hospital was how I had hurt and disappointed her.
So, herein lays one of the reasons we (mothers) have trouble communicating with our teenagers; we don’t think the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s not our fault; it just is. We may be saying one thing and our kids are interpreting it a completely different way. What they hear most often is criticism and doubt rather than guidance and support. We need to learn to understand their way of thinking and how they will absorb what we say to them. When they speak to us, we need to think about what they are really trying to communicate to us, rather than assume what they are saying. We also need to discuss when things go off the rails and place them back on track; it's our job.
Why do we need to do all the work, you ask? Because we are the adults here, the parents, and we have the experience and the ability to do the work. We are the ones who need to take the high road and decipher how to talk with our children in an effective manner, as well as, interpret what it is they are trying to tell us. Nine times out of ten, they are not trying to hurt, or disappoint or cause us any grief; they just think differently than you and I. Either way, young or old, we will all make mistakes. The important thing is to recognize this in each other and talk about it. No one needs to be "right" or "wrong"; we just need to understand one another.
My mother called me into her bedroom and told me that the doctor was on his way, and she asked me to let him in when he arrived. I can still see her lying on the bed in a nightgown that I clearly felt was totally inappropriate for her to be wearing for a doctor’s visit; I was 13 and this seemed to be important to me. I turned to her and, very undiplomatically, asked her if she was going to change into something else. I knew as soon as I opened my mouth that I should have kept it shut. She turned to me, and I could feel the hurt that I had caused her emanate from her body. She glared at me and told me how disappointed she was that I would take the time to say something like that given how much pain she was in. She told that she was my mother and that saying something like that had hurt her feelings.
I was devastated. I remember questioning why had said something like that. Had I really wanted to hurt my mother? I loved her. Why did I care what she had on? I really thought that she would have wanted to change out of the negligee and put on her flannels. I knew that I could not fix this because I believed that once you hurt someone’s feelings, you could never redeem yourself. The damage was done, and I would need to live with that fact. We never had a conversation about that incident after in occurred because I wasn’t about to bring the topic up and I’m sure my mother felt that she had dealt with it effectively.
Now that I have teenagers of my own I know that my mother had good intensions. She was trying to teach me that what you wear doesn’t determine who you are and that criticism can be painful. Unfortunately, she was in a lot of pain and her fear determined how she communicated her message. Perhaps this was an error on her part, but to cut her some slack, she was not in the best physical or mental state to reflect on her delivery. She did, however, have a chance to think about what had transpired, and she also had the choice to come back to me later to discuss our interaction. Again, in her defence, she was probably absorbed in the fact that she was having a gallbladder attack and had to go to the hospital. All I could think of while she was in the hospital was how I had hurt and disappointed her.
So, herein lays one of the reasons we (mothers) have trouble communicating with our teenagers; we don’t think the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s not our fault; it just is. We may be saying one thing and our kids are interpreting it a completely different way. What they hear most often is criticism and doubt rather than guidance and support. We need to learn to understand their way of thinking and how they will absorb what we say to them. When they speak to us, we need to think about what they are really trying to communicate to us, rather than assume what they are saying. We also need to discuss when things go off the rails and place them back on track; it's our job.
Why do we need to do all the work, you ask? Because we are the adults here, the parents, and we have the experience and the ability to do the work. We are the ones who need to take the high road and decipher how to talk with our children in an effective manner, as well as, interpret what it is they are trying to tell us. Nine times out of ten, they are not trying to hurt, or disappoint or cause us any grief; they just think differently than you and I. Either way, young or old, we will all make mistakes. The important thing is to recognize this in each other and talk about it. No one needs to be "right" or "wrong"; we just need to understand one another.
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