Dogs vs. Puppies

Yesterday, as I walked along the icy sidewalk, I was cautious in choosing where I placed each step. My arthritis seems to have made me less sure about my stability, and I find that my balance is a bit off on the ice. I manage to skate a bit rather than fall as I take a little slide with one of my steps. My 10 year old Brittany spaniel copies me but, his finale lands him on his belly. He quickly jumps back on all fours and looks up at me wondering what just happened. “Its o.k.,” I reassure him, “we’re not as steady as we used to be, eh Jakey”? He picks his pace back up, and I follow along, thankful he has slowed down the last year or so.

I have heard that a person’s pet begins to look and act like his master or mistress, or vice versa. I wonder if that is the case with Jake and me. I watch him as he sniffs and stops to pee. I start to think about how much he and I have grown older together. We both have arthritis and the stairs are our foe. I empathise with him as he follows me around the house. If I go down stairs, I remind him that we have to go back up, but he still barrels down in front of me not understanding what I’ve said. For both of us, it’s the “up” that’s the problem, not the “down.”

I think of similar changes our bodies have undergone as we move into our 5th decade respectively (I am 50 so, my dog is 53 in human years, making us pretty close in age). Our hair is starting to grey; his around his beard giving him a distinguished look as is the case for most men. Mine has been coloured for years so, thankfully, no one will notice. I wonder if I should let it go “aux natural”, and then, wisely, decide against it.

We both move slower which I am grateful for as I wouldn’t have the ability to keep up to his “puppy” pace. When I look into Jake’s eyes I see the tiredness of years of walks and endless play dates with the squirrels in the backyard. I have talked to the vet about his inability to complete the hour long circuit we have been doing since he was a baby. He has indicated that Jake is tired; he will tell you when the walk is done. So, we both take our medication and enjoy the distance we are capable of instead of regretting not being able to do what we used to do.

When I sit on the couch in the evening after a day of work, chores, exercise, writing and fun, he lies beside me and pushes his nose under my arm. It is his way of asking me to pet him, and I start to scratch behind his ears. Eventually rubbing his belly, my hand moves over small bumps under his fur. Also researched, I have discovered that they are another indication of aging much like the calcium deposits that we develop over the years. I look down at him and realize that his belly is slightly bigger than it used to be, and laugh at that similarity as I rest my other hand on mine.

We have both evolved into peaceful souls just happy to be able to enjoy what we have been given. We both wake up refreshed and energetic, feeling like we can accomplish the world in a day. Yet, three hours later, we are both ready for a nap. We cannot hide the aging around our eyes (God knows I have tried), and when I look at his face, he is looking more tired and drawn just like me. My buddy now has the expression of an elderly man who, if he could talk, would tell you stories of long ago.

It is time for me to strap on the boots and my partner’s leash and make the daily trek around the circle. My body is sending me a message as it is becoming stiff and sore. Jake has come in and out of the room several times as I am late and, like me, he relies on a predictable schedule. So, onward and upward as we go on our little journey with the intensions of puppies and the bodies of 10 year old dogs.



The Golf Week

My husband and son left on Sunday for a one week golfing trip. Yes, that’s right, I do “allow” my husband to go away without me, and it is to golf!! Over the course of my 26 year marriage, I have had many women negatively comment about this annual trip. Apparently, no man is worthy of “the golf trip”.

Now, here’s the thing ladies, you really need to think about this. It’s really not as bad as you think. I actually welcome the one week without the “man of the house” being in the house. For some reason, everything just seems more relaxed. We don’t feel inclined to cook meals that include all those %*&#@ food groups. We take the opportunity to not make the bed and leave our dirty clothes on the floor. And we tend to do more of the things that we want to do rather than the things that we feel we should be doing. It’s like we’re the ones having the vacation without even leaving the city.

Here I am at 10:38 p.m. on a Wednesday night lying in bed with a glass of wine and a bowl of homemade bits and bites (Christmas tradition), computer in my lap, posting on my blog. This would normally never happen as my husband would be sleeping soundly, lights out and door closed by now. It feels like I am misbehaving while snuggling in my duvet, thoughts flowing from my finger tips, the luxury of picking any room of the house I want to play in.

I was looking forward to this freedom as I kissed him and my 20 year old boy good bye 3 days ago. This is no secret, and he is grateful that I enjoy his time away as it alleviates any guilt that could easily be inflicted on him. I waved good bye to him and sat down in a chair with a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I took out my day timer and scheduled everything that I had been planning on doing over the course of the next seven days. Most of the activities included being alone, which is a wonderful gift because I have learned to love my alone time.

All was in place. My daughter, who was home with me, but has a social life that doesn’t include me, as well as, a part time job, would rarely be home. She only required me to meet her basic needs like food and shelter, and I had that all covered. And then it happened; the glitch fell upon me. She, the daughter, became ill. Not to worry; she’s fine now. But, yes, on day 3 we ended up in the emergency department at the hospital with severe intestinal pain, vomiting and fainting; poor thing!! After 5 hours she felt better, and we came home. The next day we went to her GP for more tests and reassurance, and lots of “mommy” attention and time. Turns out, she is going to live and she only robbed me of 2 days of my (my husband's) “week”.

Well, maybe more than 2 days as I now have a head and chest flu that has left me bedridden, but luckily, I am cuddling in my duvet and well past my husband’s bed time. And so, “why?” I asked no one in particular. Why was my week taken away from me, or was it taken away? As I lay here writing, I have a moment when I think, “maybe the “powers that be” believed that I needed to unschedule myself and do nothing. Once again, I had to be knocked over the head to receive the message of “nothingness”, and enjoy it.

And so, once I finish posting this, I will turn off the lights and go to sleep. Tomorrow, I will erase all of the items I had planned in my day timer, and I will do whatever happens to come my way. The thought of not having a list is enticing, and yet foreboding; a new way to spend my husband’s golf week, how exciting!!!!!

Embarrassing Moments............to be or not to be........

Have you ever embarrassed someone without realizing it? I recently found out that I have. It’s a strange feeling because I didn’t realize that something I said to someone else in front of this person created an embarrassing moment for her. Our perceptions of what occurred are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I believed that she understood my need to defend myself while in an uncomfortable situation, and she clearly felt that my reaction to this person’s behaviour was inappropriate as she recently made a point of stating so.

I’m o.k. with the difference of opinion however, the comment that I embarrassed her, and the fact that this was communicated in front of an entire room full of people, was in itself slightly embarrassing for me. I didn’t react at the time, instead allowing the conversation to dissipate; it was an inappropriate venue for this discussion. She too, allowed it to dissolve as she walked away after making the comment. Although a passive aggressive move, her message was received, and I have used the last 24 hours to think about what her intent was in sending it, or what  either one of us had to gain from her statement. At first, I took it personally, until I realized that it wasn’t really about me, and there was no positive in her approach.

There are people in our lives who we can trust and who we know will have our back no matter what. We trust them to love us unconditionally and to communicate with us with respect and love. If we have a difference of opinion, we discuss the situation in private and with dignity rather than holding it inside and blurting it out in a hurtful manner. As we get older, we gain experience and, thus, more mature behaviour. We learn that relationships, knowing and understanding the people in our lives, and taking the time to do so, are much more important than investing in what strangers may think of us.

Sometimes, sleeping on a comment or a behaviour is the best thing you can do. You realize that your time is better spent being true to yourself rather than worrying and reacting about how others perceive you to be. Let’s face it, if someone doesn’t invest in the energy required to understand you, your energy is equally better spent elsewhere; it’s called being deserving.

Christmas Eve

Tonight, I spent 5 hours with a woman who was experiencing her first Christmas without the love of her life of 59 years. My mother in law lost her husband this past May, and was determined to have her children and grandchildren at her home for Christmas Eve, as has been the custom for many years. She is 80 years old. I entered the living room, the last to arrive, and felt the loneliness that she was feeling. The void was not easy to see as she was focused on the task at hand, ensuring that everyone was fed and happy. However, the emptiness was evident by her demeanour and her tired, strained expression. We all knew that she did not sleep well last night.

My father in law always began the Christmas celebration by giving each of us an envelope with a cheque in it. He would always accompany his generosity with a statement expressing that he had not intended on following through on this tradition this year, but had changed his mind at the last minute. Fulfilling my father in law's role this year, my mother in law continued this tradition this year, and it was an act difficult to emulate as her heart was filled with loneliness and heartbreak. I am so proud of her ~ for her courage and for her loyalty to her husband's wishes; the money is irrelevant.

I am also deeply touched by the fact that my 80 year old mother in law took the time to go out into the shopping war zone and personally choose a beautiful jacket for me from my favourite store. Words cannot express how touching and thoughtful this was. My daughter recently told me that the best part of Christmas is taking the time to find out what someone wants, what someone really likes, and then watching the expression on their face when they open the gift you have chosen specifically for them. My mother in law did that for me. For that I am eternally touched and grateful!!

Tomorrow, she is coming to share in our family Christmas celebration. Some day, I hope to be a woman with such great integrity as my husband's mother.

I wish you all a Christmas filled with the love of family and friends, and I hope that you all have someone as amazing as my mother in law in your life.

Husbands and Wives Shopping Together............What???????

I read an interesting column today in the Kingston Whig Standard, our local newspaper, entitled “View from a Husband Bench” by Fraser Petrick. Before I go on please take the time to read the article by clicking on to the following link: http://www.thewhig.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2898943

After reading the first paragraph describing his wife telling him to wait for him while she went into a store to shop, I was leery that it was yet another story criticizing women and their “obsession” with shopping. I hung in there, however, and read on. I found myself chuckling to myself as I realized that his description of the husband/wife shopping experience is probably fairly accurate for most couples. Although the message that Mr. Petrick wanted to relay and the epiphany that I received may be at opposite ends of the spectrum, I found myself asking an important question. Why do women ask their male partners or spouses to shop with them? Don’t they know that (in general) men don’t enjoy shopping with us? I’m not saying they don’t like shopping at all, but their method of this art is very different than ours. So, why mix it up and create the frustration the writer is describing.

I discovered this phenomenon early on as a 24 year old young bride. We were on vacation and we stopped at an outlet mall. We only had so much time to spend at the mall, so I decided that I would scope out the stores with the shopping guide that was given at the gate. I would prioritize which stores I would spend time investigating first, and if there was time left over, I would go back and take a quick look at the ones I missed. My husband, on the other hand, had another strategy. He wanted to start at the beginning and work his way down one side of the row of stores and then come back on the other side. I looked at him, assessed his walking speed, which was less than half of mine, and quickly determined that this was never going to work. How did he think we would be able to see everything in such a short period of time? I was irritated that he would even fathom such a plan.

Being recently married, I didn’t want to “rock the boat”, and I thought I should want to shop with my husband so, I agreed to do it his way. “You need to relax and enjoy the experience”, he told me. I made it to the fourth store, turned to him, and explained that I couldn’t do it. I was itching to get moving. I was an expert shopper. The “browsing” pace was killing me. There was so much out there yet to be seen. I couldn’t deny it; I did not want to shop with him!! He laughed and told me to go ahead, and to meet him at the “starting gate” in two hours. Away I went.

In conclusion, ladies, don’t make your husband shop with you. Admit it, he really doesn’t want to, and you don’t really enjoy his company during a shopping expedition. Let him do his shopping on his own, and give him a specific list of what you want so, he doesn’t have to guess. Everyone will be much happier and you will have way more time to do the things that you want to do..........like shopping. How great would that be?!?!

The New "Normal"

Tonight, after dinner my son asked me three times what we might have for food. Three times I explained to him that there was a fully stocked fridge, and he was welcome to go choose anything he liked. I said it nicely, but he knew I wasn’t kidding. He is well aware of the fact that after dinner I remove my chef’s hat and retire to doing whatever it is that I happen to want to do. I do not make breakfast or lunch for anyone, but me, and I absolve myself from the creation of all snacks but my own.

This is one of my new “normals”. I started this trend about a year ago when I found myself cooking and cleaning the kitchen up, what seemed like, all day long. There were so many things that I “wanted” to do, but they were always pushed aside due to household chores and tedious time fillers. For years, I had spoken about writing and how I “just didn’t have the time”. Then one day, as I was making sandwiches for lunches, I looked up and noticed that everyone else in my family was doing fun, non-chore related activities. They were all engaged in things that they had chosen to do; relaxing things that relieved their stress and brought them pleasure. I was running around trying to figure out how to fit 30 things into a day that could really only fit 25, and none of them were things I “wanted” to do, but rather things that “needed” to be done for everyone in my family. I realized that this was probably the norm for most mothers all around the world.

It was then that I decided to create a new “normal”. It wasn’t necessarily because I recognized the unfairness of the inequity of work load amongst my family members (although there was that); it was more the realization that I too deserve the choice to do things that bring me joy. As I sliced through the third turkey and mustard sandwich, it occurred to me that I should be reading a book or writing a column while someone else prepares their own lunch.

And thus, one of the new “normals” in my life is that I only prepare dinner in my house; before and after that, you are on your own. Since then, I have created many more new “sub-normals”, which have ultimately, given me a whole new “normal” life. The key to the success of this new existence is the absence of guilt. Developing and communicating a life filled with a balance of “should do’s” and “want to do’s” is actually quite easy. The choice to implement this new "normal", guilt-free, is the key to its success and your happiness.

With the New Year fast approaching and all of those generic resolutions floating around, take the time to look at your life and find the joy. If it is minimal or lacking, create a new “normal” for yourself. Realize that this will most likely have a great impact on anyone living in your house. Communicating your needs and your new discovery will be paramount for the success of your new “normal”. Remember to push the guilt aside; it is a useless emotion that is yours to carry with you or not.  If you choose to take it along, it will eventually suck the life right out of you.

Let's Talk.............

I was talking to a friend today through facebook and she started to tell me how she was “feeling”. Suddenly, she expressed that she didn’t understand why she was telling me the things she was. It felt like an apology, and it occurred to me that women need to feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts, emotions and what makes them feel angry. So many of us think that we are the only ones feeling the way we are. If we walked out our front door and sat in our neighbour’s kitchen, we would find a woman feeling the same way we are. Every woman goes through the same epiphanies that you are going through.

At a certain time in our lives, anywhere between 40 and 50, we all start to realize that we are way more important than we ever thought we were. We realize that our personal value far exceeds our parenting skills, our career accolades or our wifely duties. We recognize that our own personal self is enough all on its own.

The problem is that we think that we are the only woman in the world feeling like this. Suddenly, we find ourselves, reluctantly, revealing an epiphany and another woman responds with consolation and understanding. We are surprised and relieved at the same time. This is what women do and what all women need to take advantage of. We need to confide in each other and talk. When we do, we realize that we all feel the same, and we can learn and benefit from sharing with each other.

So, don’t be afraid to talk to other women. Someone needs to make a move and share their feelings and inner thoughts. Why don’t you be the one to start a new trend?

The Bird Leaving the Nest

Yesterday, my 16 year old daughter achieved a very important award; her driver’s licence. She has been working toward this achievement for 9 months. I am proud of her simply because she is so very proud of herself. Her joy is breathtaking and contagious.  I know that the accomplishment itself is not the most important award for her. What is, however, is the fact that she has earned independence and a sense of adulthood.  That is her most cherished trophy.

We went out for dinner last night to celebrate her advancement into the world of traffic and speed bumps (our city is full of them), and she couldn’t stop smiling through her spaghetti and meatballs. She was the first to finish her meal, and I’m not sure that she tasted any of it. She had already requested the use of my vehicle for the evening should she pass the 10 minute test (yes, only 10 minutes), and I had agreed under the condition that she knew and agreed to all the rules her father and I had communicated to her in regards driving without one of us. She was off to visit her boyfriend and then to a basketball game with her girlfriend. At the time, I felt very confident that she was an excellent and responsible driver. I didn’t hesitate as I was feeding off of her excitement and positive energy.

That was last night. Now it is tonight, and she has taken the car to work; dark, black ice and no mother to guide her........ I have let my mind wander and have allowed every horrible vision of terrifying scenarios that could possibly happen to my little girl swirl around in my head. I am desperately trying to push them aside knowing that I need to allow her to grow up and experience her independence and prove her competence; I need to have faith in her and the universe. This is her rite of passage; something she has earned and deserves. Why do I have that creepy feeling in my stomach; the one that I tell people is the “icky feeling”, or your intuition? Is it intuition or is it just a mother’s over protective side gone out of control?

I need to believe that I am over reacting, and that everything will be alright or I will never make it through the winter!!!!! Thank goodness I have my blog to write down my thoughts and work through this state of anguish. Suddenly, it all sounds quite simple now.  This is not something I can control. My youngest bird has just flown from the nest................I bid you adieu.. .....fly with confidence and grace little one!

Oh ya, and please don’t go too fast over those speed bumps, they’ll take the bottom out of the Subaru!!!!!!

Deal Breakers

We all have deal breakers. Each one of us has a different deal breaker for individual people in our lives. There’s one for our spouse, one for our kids, one for each of our extended family members and one for our friends. Some even have a deal breaker for their pet. Not all of us are aware of own personal deal breakers until we are confronted with the actual deal breaker itself. At that time, it hits us like a ton of bricks because it was so unexpected. Some of us know exactly what our deal breakers are, and implement the consequence immediately without any moment’s hesitation or increment of guilt. And then are those who, knowing deep down that the deal breaker has been executed, ignore it and pretend it never happened. Why is that?


Most likely it is fear. Fear of losing the person who has crossed the line. Fear that confronting the "deal breakee" will escalate into a confrontation and thus, the need to follow through on the consequence. Fear of loss, of rejection, of being alone. But wouldn’t living alone be better than living with “the deal breakee”?

Including a “deal breakee” in your life means that your whole world revolves around that person. S/he is breaking the deal, and you have given away your empowerment. You lose everything and s/he gains more than abundance itself. You know that you have relinquished yourself because you made a choice to allow that person to take control. Control is not empowerment, it is power, and it is one sided. One sided power has no place in any relationship. It creates imbalance and it is up to you to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker.............

On Turning 50 and other Epiphanies

We celebrated my friend’s birthday last night, and a beautiful celebration it was!! She is turning the infamous 50 this month, and is finally catching up to me three months after I entered, what I have been told will be, the best decade of my life. The 50’s will be great; I will grow and I will become my most authentic possible self. I am feeling gradual evolution, and am hoping it will continue since my 40’s were not so hot!!

The evening was well planned as we wanted it to be a surprise for our honoured birthday girl. We had a pre-planning meeting (leaving her oblivious, of course) and worked out all the details. The first item on the agenda was how to keep it a surprise. We decided to plan a “Secret Santa” exchange outing, and then spring the birthday agenda on her once we arrived at one of her favourite hot spots, Tango. Surprisingly, settled on a date and, also surprisingly, she was available. Our planning began with a small set of rules:

1. We were going out in “Sex and the City” style, so we needed to dress the part.

2. No heavy eating that day as we would be making 3 stops, all involving an abundance of food.

3. We each picked a name for the gift exchange (chuckle, chuckle) and agreed on a monetary amount, which no one adhered to, so that worked out.

4. We would be taking a cab there and back to avoid any drinking and driving charges or mishaps.

Our evening began with one of my friend’s daughter volunteering to be our chauffeur. This was taken with gratitude because none of us were ready on time as we dealt with feeding families, kid’s hockey games, getting dressed and sparkly, as well as, wet finger nails. None of us were walking very fast as we decided to wear the highest heels we could find; I brought a back up pair because I am a realist and knew that no amount of alcohol would numb the pain in my feet those stilettos were going to inflict on me.

Astoundingly, we made it to our first destination on time. It was en route that we crowned our birthday queen with a tiara and pink and black feather boa. She was shocked, yet ever so ready for the forthcoming festivities, of which we kept a secret. Our car conversation will not be shared in detail, but I will let you know that there was much discussion on turning 50 and the aging experience. We were being positive while still acknowledging the individual concerns we each have regarding growing older. We talked about the past decade and how none of us would ever want to go back to it for a number of personal reasons. We were all determined to make the future our own and simply be happy, but we were moving with trepidation.

After appetizers and drinks at Tango, we informed our honouree that we needed to move on to the next destination. It was close by so we walked and stood on the corner talking and laughing, waiting for a light to change. Needless to say, we were quite loud. At one point, l looked up and saw an elderly couple, easily in their 80’s, watching us intently. It looked like they might be annoyed by our boisterous manner, much like we are when we see unruly teens being drunk and disorderly. They kept staring, and I felt inclined to apologise for disturbing their night out. I walked over to them and told them that “I was sorry for our loudness but, my friend just turned 50.” The woman looked up at me, smiled widely, and said, “Oh, don’t worry about that; you young people go and have fun!”

What a revelation; “you young people”!!! Here we had spent time discussing and analysing the perils of aging and, specifically, turning 50, and there was a woman who actually viewed us as being “young”. When I woke the next morning and lay there reflecting on the previous evening’s events, I remembered this amazing woman and how she brought everything in perspective for me. It was a true epiphany as I then decided that I would never waste another moment worrying about “being old” or “getting old”. From now on, my only focus will be on enjoying every minute of every day with everyone I meet and know. Please join me in not spending any more time dreaming of being younger; instead let's all relish in the joys of experiencing getting older.  Dare ya..................

The Cluster

Some fabulous conversation could be overheard at the local Starbucks this morning as strangers sat in, what we call, “the cluster”. It’s the area surrounding the fireplace where very comfortable easy chairs are strategically placed to encourage relaxation and social interaction. And that it did!!

I walked in filling in time before picking up my daughter for lunch. I grabbed a latte and looked for a spot to sit. The only vacant seat was in the “cluster”, and there was one familiar face sitting at a table close by. Walking over to Walter, I realized that he is a person in my life whom I know, but don’t really know. I only really see him at Starbucks, and we sometimes sit and chat. I suppose he would be categorized as an “acquaintance” in social circles. He is one of the easiest individuals to talk with because his smile, his body language and his speech are all-inviting to everyone he meets. Walter exudes sincerity and kindness. He makes you feel like he really wants to get to know you, and he always has something interesting to talk about. Walter likes to talk and listen, and he makes you think.

This morning “the cluster” consisted of a few people I had never met before.  There was Walter’s friend, Phil who was definitely there for the social interaction; a woman studying for what appeared to be a university course in an area of social studies; she was intrigued by and, from time to time, joined in our topic of conversation; another man who I’ve seen there before, a regular who left after a few minutes clearly not interested in what we were talking about; another gentleman who, once we started talking, looked worried he had picked the wrong place to sit; he didn’t participate in any dialogue, but instead smiled steadily as he sat amidst a group of very vocal coffee drinkers. At one point our topic moved to adultery and he politely excused himself to join a friend on the other side of the room; I’m sure he was relieved to see the familiar face as he escaped from the midst of our web.

We were all very content to sit and talk, and at one point the revelation was made ~ people crave social interaction. We came to the conclusion that Starbucks is popular because the human race instinctively wants face to face conversation. We feel comfortable sitting in an environment that is aesthetically pleasing, with warm colours, soothing and nostalgic music, with comfortable furniture placed to accommodate and encourage conversation; much like a living room. It is an old school concept placed in a retail environment accompanied by a reason to go there; the product, coffee.

Most of our society’s communication is done via computers or cell phones, and the majority is through texting or the ever popular BBMing. Almost gone are the days of actually taking the time to sit with a living being and talking about something, laughing with a friend, consoling a child, inspiring someone you just met, complimenting the person in the line ahead of you, or taking a moment to get to know a stranger.

Well, I did that this morning. I met and chatted at length with 5 people I hardly knew. Each of them had an opinion and each was interested in listening to what the other had to say. There was a real sense of joy in that “cluster”. It had nothing to do with the upcoming holidays or the Christmas carols playing overhead. It had everything to do with the unique ambiance that was, spontaneously, created by people getting to know one another. It was a natural craving finally satisfied.

The Plight of the Teenager

This morning I went to a high school in town and to visit and talk with some amazing teenagers. They were bright, outgoing, intuitive, attentive and respectful. I love it when a group of young women are open to the possibility of learning something from someone much older than them. Speaking only from my own experiences and the consequences I have suffered, as well as, the gifts I have received, my credibility could be questioned.

I always indicate to them that I am not a doctor of any kind, and I do not provide any factual information. At first they look at me and their eyes tell me that they are not sure I have anything valuable to say. Most of them have only listened to speakers who provide them with facts. That’s it; just listen and take notes.  They were talked “to” and not “with”. I tell them to put away their pens and paper, and listen and think about what I am saying.  I also indicate that I welcome conversation and their feedback of agreement or disagreement. However, I do not advocate the “right” or “wrong” approach or arguing. I offer my opinion and it is their choice to do what they would like with it; agree, disagree, provide their valued opinion and act upon it all positively or negatively.

One would think that teenagers are living the best and carefree days of their lives; no responsibilities, no expectations, not a worry in the world. Wrong. These 11 and 12 grade students are stressed out. They are dealing with an abundance of homework, career choices, the hope and pressure of being accepted into universities, part time jobs, relationship turmoil, hormonal changes, and realistic and unrealistic expectations from every significant person in their lives.

I asked them if they have a little bit of fun every day. Two of the girls answered “yes” with conviction. The other 14 just stared at me blankly. It was as if they had no memory of this aspect of their life; like it had been eliminated and forgotten a long time ago. I asked them if they did anything that didn’t require an expected outcome; that no one cared about except them; something that they didn't really have to think about. They were reflecting, but none of them had an answer. The aura in the room shifted as a wave of sadness could be felt moving from one girl to the next until it reached me at the front of the room. The realization that everything in their lives required such focus and goal setting hit them like a ton of bricks.  I told them not to worry; I’m 50 and just figured it out about 5 years ago when a disease knocked me flat off of my career driven, material life podium! They were in luck as they had time to recoup any fun they had forgotten to indulge in. The fact that you "get it" is all that matters.

Last week I realized that my daughter was spending way too much time working and doing school work and not having fun, being spontaneous or creative. I pulled out an old table from the back room and dusted off an art bin that had been stored for years. When she and my son were small children, we used to have “art” dates all the time. It was the norm for us to spend hours at a time stamping, painting, gluing and, generally, creating. Winter is a perfect time of the year for this activity, and it is a great venue for relaxation and conversation. Along with its “good feel” benefit, it also nurtures the heart and soul.  My daughter was drawn to the table like a dog to a piece of steak in his dish.  At first she didn't know where to start.  She just looked around at all the material in front of her.  Then she started, and the creative surge took flight.

We don’t have hours to sit and do our art, but we have 15 minute sessions that are just enough to cleanse our minds of the day’s tasks and requirements. It is like a quick meditation and calming of the body, mind and soul before moving back into a world of lists and goals. It also brings back a bit of fun in a time that has forgotten that fun and creativity is a basic instinctual need and want that has been put to the wayside. 

So, go and have some fun today!!  Feel free to do it on your own or ask some one to tag along.  You will find it addictive and your stress will be forgotten............at least for a little while.

Politics of Life

Every aspect of your life requires that you think about what you say and what you do in order to receive what you want. This is above and beyond being polite and respectful. I’m talking about what you need to do to ensure your place or status within your work place or your social circle. It's the politics of life; "be careful what you wish for"!  There are, generally, unwritten rules that dictate how you react to situations and people in your life. Abiding by them, supposedly, provides you with a favourable outcome. Whether they are ethical or not, seems not to be an issue for some. Whether you are willing to play the game to get ahead or not has become the most important choice, or maybe it’s always been that way........

And so the game of integrity pushes forward and causes great anguish for the person who believes in the right thing to do, verses the thing that will provide her with the friends she wishes for and the career she has always dreamed of. Watching people opt for the latter every day disappoints and leaves me feeling sorry for them. They do not realize the fulfillment they would experience should they follow what they believe and feels right. They have been coerced by adult peer pressure into believing that status, power and money are more significant and empowering than happiness and self respect.

Being acknowledged for accomplishments achieved by stepping on other people’s hearts is hardly an achievement. I see young people being taken advantage of by those in authoritative positions all the time. Their words are abusive and destructive. Yet the child is hesitant to step on toes for fear of being black balled and, thus missing out on opportunities. I see young adults receiving continual negative feedback; their self confidence diminishing with every word. They listen and accept the words as if true; scared to retaliate thinking it will affect their future. I see grown women sit back and be brought down to nothingness thinking they need to accept being a target in order to maintain their position in the pecking order.

And then there are those who get it. Enough is enough, and the pattern must be broken. This has happened to my friend. She is tired and has figured out what is important in life. She now knows that she is deserving of kindness, respect, and love. And so, this is dedicated to her new path, and I wish her well. I know she will be more than alright because she has shifted her thinking, and it is in the direction of authentic integrity. It is the journey of the heart, and it is always right.

Traditions

Today, December 5th is the beginning of all Christmas celebrations in the world of the Dutch. It is the day of “Sinterklaas” or “Saint Nicholas” which in Holland is the “giving” day of Christmas. This is the day when Saint Nicholas (the equivalent to our Santa Claus) comes through the villages on his horse bringing all the “good” children their annual gifts. When my mother was a young girl during war time she remembers receiving an orange in her wooden shoe on the morning of "Sinterklaas".  At that time, this was a treat and became a long time tradition in her family.

"Sinterklaas" is accompanied by “Zwarte Piet” (black Peter) who throws nuts at the “bad” children. Horrible, I know, but this is the tradition and "Zwarte Piet" is really only there for drama and effect. December 25th is the spiritual day of Christmas as those who believe attend church with family and friends. Gifts are not exchanged on this day and the focus is on family, food and drink and the celebration of the birth of Christ.

My family has long adapted the traditions of Canada as we wait for December 25th before we embrace the joy of giving and receiving. However, we subconsciously prepare and decorate our homes in time for the first week of December. We ensure that the tree is up and the decorations are hanging in anticipation that perhaps “Sinterklaas” may gallop through our town, “Zwarte Piet” on his heels. We know that today, across the ocean, children will be getting up early for annual traditions set many, many years ago. In 20 days they will rise on the same day and we will all celebrate new life. How amazing that in different lands and within each family we have created a variety of traditions, and yet very like beliefs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xJkzj9yMUc

And so, today I wish everyone a very happy “Sinterklaas”, as we settle into holiday gatherings, festive celebrations and family traditions created over the years.

The Dreaded Gift Card

I had a great discussion began this morning with a sweet couple at a local coffee shop. I met them there many months ago, and have gotten to know them a bit from brief daily conversations. We started talking about a great jewellery line, Silpada, she and I like; she had on a pair of the earrings. I happened to indicate to her husband that one of the rings would be a great Christmas gift for her. He was quick to let me know that he prefers to give gift certificates. Oh my, not the “quick, easy to find, no thought provided” gift certificate!!!! My shocked expression said it all. He looked at me and asked what I thought about giving a gift card.

I didn’t want to tear a strip off him and make him feel bad, but I also owed it to all of the women in the world who receive these unthinkable pieces of plastic year after year. And so, I very gently indicated to him that women do not like gift cards. The only type of certificate that would be acceptable would be one that provides us with a spa service or a trip of some sort. I realize that this seems extraordinarily ungrateful, but the best part of the gift for us is that you actually put some thought into it; the fact that you asked questions and really tried to figure out what we like or what suits us.

Once my fellow feline and I agreed that all gift cards should be banished from the Christmas list, another one of our male morning coffee drinkers joined our chat. The “gift card giver” was quick to ask him if he was partial to an actual present for his wife or the gift in the envelope route. The women at the table were relieved to find out that there is a man out there who actually takes the time to find the perfect gift for his wife. Our recent visitor let us in on how he decides on his wife’s present.

He actually takes the time to choose his wife’s Christmas gifts by following a guideline from his heart. He has decided that he wants to meet her needs as a whole person. He achieves this by purchasing something for her brain, her body and her soul. Yes, even her soul!! I know, he may have heard this on Oprah or Dr. Phil, or maybe she even alluded to this great idea, but the truth is that he actually “got it” and does go out to find these three items all on his own. Very impressive, don’t you think?

So, for all the men out there who run out on December 24th for the infamous gift card..............don’t do it!!!!!

My Friend

Today, I woke up with a runny nose, low grade fever and sore, swollen hands, otherwise known as a “flare” in the world of autoimmune diseases. This will be a day that I stay inside and rest.

For many that would be a blessing; to just stay home on a rainy day and lay around and do nothing. And that it is, if it is your choice to do so. Unfortunately, the victims of autoimmune deficiencies are forced to make choices that are out of their control in order to manage their disease. To be as healthy as possible, they must be so attuned to their body that when it speaks, they respond appropriately and immediately. Misinterpreting the message or, deciding to fight the symptoms can force a flare to spiral out of control.

It took me a year or more to come to the conclusion that I needed to befriend my disease. It was difficult for me to understand how something so outwardly invisible could make me feel so horrible on the inside. I understand why others cannot relate to my discomfort or grief because they cannot see the pain or understand my feelings of loss. I usually hide my discomfort behind a smile and conversation. Some think I do this for their benefit, and that is partially true. However, it is also an attempt to distract myself from the continual malaise that inhabits my entire being.

And so, I eventually learned that this distraction I needed would require my welcoming my R.A. We now live happily together most of the time as I live by her schedule and provide her with the sustenance she requires; that being medication prescribed by my faithful rheumatologist. When I feed her, put her to bed on time and don’t over work her, she is content and quiet. If her dinner is late, her schedule is altered and she works more than usual, she becomes irritated and boisterous.

Unfortunately, the pharmacy ordered my monthly medication too late and I was 4 days behind in feeding my friend. She became hungry and is now retaliating. Like a small child, she didn’t get what she wanted, when she wanted so, she is punishing me.

And so, I must end my post as my fingers are stiff and throbbing. I have been up for 2 hours and it is time for a rest. The goal is finding balance in every facet of every hour today. Tomorrow will be much better if I give my friend what she needs today.............

Daily Horoscope

November 30, 2010
You're entering a cycle today that will allow you to express yourself more tactfully and appealingly. This influence lasts until January 7th. You are more persuasive, in a gentle way, and can more easily win others over for your ideas. You might also enjoy a more sociable energy - one in which you keep in better touch with people who make you happy. Learning comes more easily, although at times you can be a little lazy about following through on what you learn during this cycle. Creatively speaking, you're set to have an especially rewarding few weeks. If you write or sell in your profession, this is an especially good time for spreading the word.
Creativity: Excellent ~ Love: Good ~ Business: Good

http://www.cafeastrology.com/

I read my horoscope every day. Some think that it’s all a bunch of “hocus pocus” but, I can't seem to stop reading it. I am drawn to it; to the mystique of the connection of me to the message on the page. I read the first line, and every time I can relate to it instantly. Moving on to the next thought, I feel another emotional tie. Each line creates more positive inspiration for me to be myself and focus on being my true self. I am intrigued by how accurate I am being described each time I read the small paragraph.

Whether or not there is any validity in the art of astrology doesn’t matter to me. The fact that it creates a positive aura for me is all that I need to click on the link in my favourites. Making this connection first thing in the morning sets the tone of my day. Along with my Ezekiel bread with almond butter and a freshly brewed cup of coffee, my daily horoscope gives me a jump start to my day. True or false, valid or not, I am hooked.

       Virgo





Repelling and Attracting

I have finally learned how to deal with people who use passive aggressive behaviour to manage others in their lives. I don’t. I have come to the conclusion that just allowing them to do or say whatever they need to so they can feel good about themselves works quite well. Challenging their words or actions only propels them into a vicious cycle of more “p.a.” This swings towards nastiness and it becomes, obviously, personal. General accusations are stated in a public forum, and everyone knows who the targeted individual is amongst them. It becomes uncomfortable and hurtful.

I have decided that reacting in any way creates confrontation, and there is no effective purpose to the interaction. My energy is far more valuable than to be wasted on trivial dialogue whose sole purpose is to put me down and raise the attacker up. There have been many instances where I have attempted to provide these people with the boost they seem to need. My efforts are initiated from my heart, the intent inspired by my love. 

Unfortunately, I have thrown in the towel in attempting to put a positive spin on the work of the “passive aggressive”. They win, and I forfeit. They stand on the podium and I sit back and relax. They walk away feeling strong and in control, and I go on my merry way, seeking a different kind of person to interact with. I look for the one with a like mind and soul; one who is not seeking competition, but harmony. This person gives a compliment instead of a put down; offers help instead of a demand, a smile instead of a frown; a hug instead of arn crossing; a wink instead of a sneer; a thank you instead of a grunt.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will ignore those who provide negativity and welcome all those positive.  As Christmas approaches, seek the company of those who raise you up, and remember to help others shine their light.

Creation and Therapy

Today I decided that instead of joining the army of shoppers at the outlet mall, I would hibernate in my house and "create". As a writer, I am familiar with the art of creating a story or an inspiration. However, creating something with paper, ink and a variety of medium is totally satisfying in an entirely different way. I had forgotten this until I was recently reminded by a fellow blogger. It has been a very long time since I pulled out my stamps and markers, glitter and glue, and I knew now what I would be doing with that box of unwanted Christmas trinkets that never seem to make it into my decorating scheme.

I was inspired by my friend and artist, Jocelyn of http://www.zendollworkshop.com/.  On November 3rd she wrote a post on her blog that described "tea staining" on tags. I instantly had a vision of Christmas present tags and what they would look like. My daughter and I always make our own tags using last year's Christmas cards. Albeit slightly creative, the activity is really an environmental recycling gesture. This year would be different. I was keen on the tea staining idea and so I contacted Jocelyn to get the step by step instructions. It seemed easy enough as she told me to “make the tea and dip the tag”. Perfect easy and it would add an old vintage look and feel to my Christmas tags.

I hadn't asked her what kind of tea would work best because I didn't think it would make a difference. I made 4 kinds thinking that would provide a variety of colour. Attaching the tags to ornament hooks and hanging them on the side of large tea cups worked well; I then waited for the staining to develop. The Zen Green tea created a beautiful obvious moss hue. The Liquorice tea provided a light brown tone and carried its scent with it. The Earl Grey black tea was gorgeous as its darker stain was warm and had an aged aura about it. The Acacia Berry was disappointing as after 15 minutes of soaking, the tags maintained their fresh white look as if they had never taken the tea bath at all. I glanced over to my coffee tray and noticed the small packets of Starbucks instant "Via" that I use when in desperate need of a quick caffeine fix. I wondered what kind of stain the coffee would create. The result; an amazing deep brown the colour of chocolate was produced, and I was proud of my spontaneous creation.

I then transferred the wet wonders on to a skewer and hung them to dry. Once dry, I will dust off the stamps that were used so many years ago, and create personalized messages with loved ones in mind. I will then collect all the little Christmas baubles that have lain lonely in boxes for years, and attach them to ribbon. Combined with my newly stained tags, they will find new homes on all the presents we have bought for family and friends.

This has been an amazingly therapeutic afternoon. The art of creation is truly relaxing and rejuvenating. Taking one more piece of advice from my friend and artist, I now plan on inviting some of my friends to join me around the dining room table for an afternoon of "tagging" and creating. I am sure that combined with a cup of tea and a scone, good conversation, and a laugh or too, this creative session will surely inspire us to solve some of our problems. And if it doesn’t, we will at least have spent some time not dwelling on them, if only for a few hours.

Saying Too Little or Not Enough....

Have you ever finished a conversation and felt like there were thoughts left unsaid? You wanted to say more, but the words just never came out of your mouth. Something kept stopping you from saying what you really wanted to communicate. You ended up just making small talk for an hour, and left feeling like you had so much more to talk about. You walk away and wonder if the other person felt the same.

Then there are those times when you say things that you wish you hadn’t. You go on and on about things that you don’t even care about. Sometimes you make comments just because you know that it’s what the other person wants to hear. It’s meaningless conversation, and it seems fake and shallow. When you part, you wonder if the other person caught on that none of what you said carried any substance at all.

What makes us say too much or say too little? How do we naturally monitor the sharing of our thoughts? I know that when I am with certain people, I feel comfortable talking about anything at all. I have a few girl friends I can trust with my deepest, darkest secrets; they're in a vault, never to be released. My husband is the person I share my feelings and insecurities with; without criticism or judgement. Then there are the people I meet throughout my day. I may know their first name, or not know their name at all. I know very little about them, and yet there is a bond between us that feels comfortable and reassuring. I look forward to seeing them, and I’m disappointed when I don’t.

Familiarity seems to be comforting and reassuring. Knowing what to expect creates the “good feel” that we all crave. It’s like walking through the door after coming home from a long vacation. You had a great time while away, but that first step back feels like putting on your pyjamas after a long day at work.

Maybe there is no need to place a meter on how much we say, think or share. Perhaps we need different people in our lives to meet our various social needs and human nature dictates which conversational path we take. To over think how much or how little you say probably ruins the flow of our words and thoughts. So, next time you bump into a friend, say what comes naturally and allow your inner voice to speak for you.

The Missing Piece

My son came home this week for the American Thanksgiving holiday, which explains my lack of blog posts.  It has been a joyous week with him back in the house.  When he is gone we all feel like something is missing, as if our family is incomplete.  Each of us misses him in our own way.  My daughter misses her brother in the evening; a time when they watch t.v. together and catch up on small talk and the kind of private conversations that siblings have.  My husband misses his son on the weekends when they discuss golf stats, upcoming tournaments; pretty much anything that involves golf.  There is definitely a void in Sunday's ritual of watching the Golf channel as his dad sits alone with no one to listen to his comments.  I can feel his emptiness.  Even the dog often sits outside his door as if waiting for his return.

I miss my son in my own way.  I miss making his favourite meals.  He is wonderful to cook for because he eats anything I make and always compliments me on my efforts.  I miss his good morning hugs, his good night kisses and his "I love you's" as he is leaving the house.  He is kind and considerate and never gives me cause to worry about him.  He is old enough to do as he pleases, and yet, he always lets me know his where abouts and when he can be expected to return.  He takes the time to sit and chat, and humours me when I bring up topics that don't interest him.  He never challenges me when I ask him to run an errand, and he offers to help in any way possible.  He is always true to his word.

We don't talk about how much we miss him when he is gone because we don't want to bring attention to something that makes us sad.  But each of us can feel the quiet in the house and the missing piece to our family's puzzle.  Tonight while the turkey roasted in the oven, the squash and apple baked, and the sweet aroma of rosemary and thyme filled the room he came in the kitchen and pulled me away from making the mashed potatoes.  He began to dance to a Michael Jackson song that my daughter put on and I followed his lead embracing his spontaneity.  My daughter joined in and we danced around the kitchen island to "Thriller" and "Billie Jean" as my husband and our parents watched in wonder.  Alas, Simon was home!!  If only for a few days, the family came together because of him.  What a great gift, this son of mine.



Thoughts and Reality

I have a renewed sense that all is well again in the world. After sitting with a friend last night for a while discussing all the negative energy that evolved around my family last week, it occurred to me that I was not following my own advice. When I go into the high schools and chat with the girls, I work very hard at enabling them to understand that what someone thinks about you is simply a “thought” and not necessarily real.

When I think back on the details of what had occurred, I realize that the stress I was feeling was coming directly from my reaction to the perception of other people toward my actions. Everyone close to me, including myself, kept telling me that I had good intensions, so there was nothing to be upset about. This is exactly what I discuss with the young girls who still struggle with maintaining a “cool” look or behaviour, rather than just being themselves; whatever that may be. I was doing the same thing that they do; I was reacting to what others thought about me rather than focusing on my good intentions at the time. There are those who are very angry with me and at what I had done, and that was slanting my judgement on the entire experience. I couldn’t get past it and I wanted desperately to “fix” it.

But how do you fix someone’s paradigm; especially when they are hurt and offended. You really can’t. It is ultimately up to them to take the next step and try to put themselves in your shoes, rather than try to find someone to blame. Anger is the defence mechanism that is created when we are fearful, and it always fails us. It provides moments of comfort and then it deceives by exhausting our souls. It is reactive and often mimics what we think we are upset about. Placing fault does not always erase bad memories. It simply provides retribution, but at what cost?

It is our integrity that becomes in jeopardy when we want someone to pay for their actions. We make choices that harm ourselves and others, and no one feels any better in the end. Retaliation is fleeting, exhausting and unfulfilling. And so, rather than continue to complicate something so very simple, I am letting go of this “incident” and chalking it up to something wrong that happened, but with all the right reasons.

Knowing

I took some time on the weekend to just “be”. What does that mean? Well, I just hunkered down and did some reading, made some nice comfort food, and watched some T.V. Placed no expectations on myself; I just did whatever came to me that didn’t require much effort. The only time I left the house was to do a little Christmas shopping with my daughter. Although I didn’t feel like it at the time, this proved to be the most therapeutic thing that I could have done. Not because I think that “buying” is an effective path toward healing one’s soul (although sometimes it does work!!) , but because we had so much fun together.

My daughter knew that my week had been anything but positive, and it was like she just figured out what was best for me. Much the way a mother cheers up a child who has lost a toy. I don’t think she did it consciously, and maybe she just wanted to go shopping, but small gifts come in the most obscure ways. She asked me if we could stop at Starbucks for a coffee, and I assumed that we would do the usual; grab a latte, get in the car and run our errands. But no, she wanted to just sit at a table and relax with the coffee. And so we did. We chatted about everything and nothing. We laughed at ourselves and others; we talked about some important topics and some things that didn’t matter. Finally, we decided it was time to move on. We did some of her shopping and, then we happened to walk by a rack of hats. Until that moment, our mood was light and calm; our day, uneventful, yet peaceful.

She grabbed a hat and pulled it over her head. It was plaid with grey fake fur and it not only covered her head, but it encompassed it and her ears, her forehead and part of her eyes, her large grin shining through. I looked at her, and uncontrollable laughter burst from my entire being. I was overwhelmed with the vision standing in front of me. She then reciprocated by joining in with a giggle followed by a snort. She grabbed her cell phone and proceeded to take a picture of herself; laughter. I grabbed another hat and exchanged it for the one she had on; another photo and more laughter. And thus the domino effect continued; hat, laughter, photo, hat, laughter, photo. We eventually had to leave as we could not control ourselves and we were causing a disturbance.

I left the store feeling exhausted, but rejuvenated. Once home, I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes. I reflected back on the scene at the hat store as if I was an outsider looking in. It made me chuckle quietly inside. I was amazed at the fact that my daughter had given me the opportunity to let go and enjoy. I think she really just wanted to go Christmas shopping, but then a part of me thinks it was as if she knew...............did she?

Always Having Fun!!!!

Friends, Wine and Brie

Last night I sat with some women. We drank wine and ate baked brie. We talked about hurt feelings, those on the mend and those already repaired. We laughed, cried, and solved the world’s problems all while watching episode after episode of Sex and the City.

I had been through some emotional turmoil, and was not sure if I even wanted to leave the house last night. For the last 3 days, I had talked and cried so much that I had to put ice packs on my eyes before I got ready to go out. I was so exhausted from all of the thinking and lack of sleep that I just wanted to put it all behind me. As much as I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I knew that discussing my experience with my friends would bring more clarity to the situation and help me bring it to closure.

And it did. They empathized with me, but took it one step further by offering heartfelt suggestions. Once we covered the gambit of possible solutions and lots of hugs, the book was closed and laughter was abundant. And these are the people who I choose to be with. We don’t always agree with one another, but we always look for the one piece we can relate to.

That kind of respect comes from the love of a girl friend. When she doesn’t say, “you’re wrong”. When she values the fact that no one is the same, and, in fact, it is impossible not to be different. When she looks at you and sees all the goodness that you hold behind your exterior. When she understands that you deal with things differently than her, but that doesn’t make her right. When you can talk about how you really feel and know that it will stay in the room you said it in. When you can laugh your ass off about complete nonsense and all 4 of you get the joke.

And that’s what you see here; chemistry, comradery, the love of friends. So, get together with your girlfriends. All you need is a few cocktails, some good brie; everything else will fall in place.

Regret and Forgiveness

Yesterday was a bad day for many people. I don’t like saying those words because the message is such a negative one. I always tell people to find the positive in everything that happens but, I struggle to figure this one out. I did something that came from the depth of my heart and soul with the intention of goodness. As I tell people all the time, “how can you go wrong with that?” Well, you can. Without realizing what I had done at the time, I hurt people. My usual response to that would be, “if your intentions were good, you should not feel bad.” That may seem logical, but it’s just not always that simple is it?

I know logistically what went wrong yesterday as the sequence of events are now all coming together. Interpretation of communication presented a different picture from reality and the resulting reactions were harmful. Although unintended, they inflicted pain on people who did not deserve such grief, especially at this time.

I review the events over and over in my thoughts and wonder when and at what point could the negative outcome have been avoided. Who was to blame? Everyone involved moved forward with concern and love, and yet we stumbled. We all dared to do the right thing, and yet we fell. We tried to correct it, and yet we lay there unable to replace the steps we had taken.

I am grateful that my conscious has reacted with such instinctual regret as it reiterates that I have an abundance of goodness in me. I understand the reaction of those hurt, and the pain they are experiencing which is why I am having a difficult time getting past this. I realize now that there is no explanation for what happened, and maybe, because our intensions were good, it could not have been avoided. Perhaps when people are trying to do the right thing, there is no blame to be made when events move in the wrong direction. Yet, our human side, our caring intuitive side, our nurturing self directs us to request forgiveness so that we can all move positively and lovingly forward and back to where we once were.

Voo Doo and Sponges

I just came back from presenting a “Dare to Manage Stress” workshop to a group of college students. They were so attentive and respectful; really trying to absorb my “voo doo” rituals and paradigms on managing stress or our perception of it. I was incredibly impressed and left there with a feeling of great gratitude and satisfaction. My goal is that if I only touch one person in a positive way at each of these meetings, I have done my job. Remarkably, not one woman challenged me on my views or opinions. One or two disagreed and voiced her opinion, but none of them brought it to a level of confrontation.  They even sat quietly and reflectively through a meditation activity!

I thought about why this was so. How often do you have 25 women in a room with nary the sound of a cough? When I was a young teen, my entire unconscious being evolved around being right. I could argue my parents into tears and none of my boyfriends ever had a chance of winning an argument because my voice would tire them out before they even had a chance. After much contemplation, I have to believe that it is the result of what I have predicted all along; this generation is craving the balance they have never had the opportunity to experience. It’s like it’s an innate desire, and they don’t even realize what their minds and bodies are yearning for. Once they hear what they are capable of creating, they are drawn to it like puppies to petting. Finding out that you can be empowered without being loud is a huge revelation.

And so I have confirmed the fact that I have chosen the right path, and I will continue to allow my intuition to guide me. Of all the things that I have allowed to guide me in my life, my feelings have never failed me. I look in my day timer and see that there are no presentations scheduled for the next 2 weeks. Is it time for a break, or should I seek out the next group of sponges? Onward and upward.........but first a little rest.

The Greatest Gifts come in Ugly Packages

Having had many people comment on how confident I must be to publically display my thoughts on my blog, I realized how little my readers really know about me. I suppose I feel better now about releasing my feelings into cyber space than I did when I first created my blog, but I do still say a little prayer each time just before I press the “publish post” button.

I remember the day I spent creating the blog, moving step by step through the process of creating gadgets, profiles, favourites lists, music play lists and comment boxes. This was fun and exciting. It was the next day that I realized what I had got myself into. This was the day that I had scheduled the writing of my first post. Writing it was the easy part. I was determined and careful to write each phrase with the reader in mind while ensuring that my view point was embedded in the message. Checking spelling and grammar, I read and re-read that piece at least 10 times. I was happy with the end result and cut and pasted it into the “post” box. I looked at it, and felt proud of what I had created. All I needed to do was press the “publish post” button. All I had to do was send my thoughts on to the internet airways. All I needed to do was share my inner most feelings with anyone who felt like reading them. This required moving outside my comfort zone in a big way.

And how did I suddenly muster up this courage? Well it didn’t come suddenly and it didn’t come quietly. It came to me long after receiving a gift that was disguised as a disease. Unbeknownst to me, this was the best present that had ever been delivered to me. At the time, I didn’t think the surprise was very positive. Its arrival initially disempowered me and pushed me into a very passive place. I didn’t like what I was given and I refused to accept it. I thought if I ignored it, it might go away. But it didn’t; it wanted to stay with me. And so, as much as I didn’t like the present, I befriended it because as time moved forward, it became very clear that it wasn't going away.

And so, I embraced it. I got to know everything about its character and personality and I welcomed it into my body and my life. I decided that instead of trying to return something I had no chance of giving back, I would welcome it and allow it to be a part of me. This may sound like a logical, easy decision, but it required more courage than I have ever had to use for anything in my life. Learning to live with my disease and all of the changes that came with it required more self confidence than I thought I had.

It took about a year for us to fully understand each other, and we now live quite comfortably together. Its a give and take relationship; a love hate friendship.  I surrendered myself to my gift, and as a result, the gift kept giving. It taught me to be patient and kind. It showed me how to be understanding and empathetic. It instilled an abundance of faith and trust in me towards others. It enabled me to love everyone, even those who could not love me back. This gift gave me the ability to be grateful for the smallest of blessings. These are the gifts that we search for our whole lives and don’t even know we are looking for. It is because of this unwelcomed gift and everything else that followed its delivery that I have the confidence and courage to write in my blog.

"To Sleep or Not to Sleep"

Today started with an early morning driving my daughter to work for 6:30. I usually crawl out of bed and quietly jump in the car with my pyjamas on and a scarf wrapped around my neck to keep me cozy. I then come straight back and, if I’m lucky, my dog will have slept through the entire event, and I can sneak back to bed for another hour. Unfortunately, today didn’t work out that way. When I returned, I opened the basement door slowly and made sure to close it without making a sound. Tip toeing up the stairs, I was hopeful as I didn’t hear any movement on the hardwood above or the tingling of Jake’s tags. Half way up the stairs I looked toward the second floor and there he was, sitting on the mat with his ears perked up and fully awake. I smiled in spite of myself as I traded the extra hour sleep for a freshly brewed pot of coffee, some toast, the morning paper and a cuddle from my spaniel.

An hour later I was wide awake from too much caffeine and “man’s best friend” was fast asleep on the cushion beside me. I decided to take advantage of my energy surge and pulled out my favourite banana bread recipe. While it baked, I cleaned the bathroom and then emptied the dishwasher. Once the kitchen was tidied up, I threw a load of laundry in and ironed a few shirts. By now it was 9 a.m. and the effects of the Starbuck’s Christmas Blend had worn off. I peeked in the living room to check on Jake; still snoozing. I optimistically pivoted and began to move toward the bedroom. Sliding under the duvet and cradling my pillow under my neck I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I might get a 30 minute nap in.

I just started drifting off when I heard the jingling of the bell on the back door. The sound of the bell pulled me out of my relaxed state, but I was still hopeful that it wouldn’t ring again. No such luck; Jake’s nose hit the bell again and with more force. He needed to pee. Maybe if I just ignore it, he will hold it and go lay down. Wrong again; he smashed the bell so hard that it hit the door twice and the vibrations filled my head with guilt. I threw the warm covers off and pulled my sweater over my head. Shuffling into the kitchen, Jake turned his head and looked at me as if saying, “It’s about time”. Opening the door, he ran down the stairs into the backyard.

Watching him from the window, he made me smile as he chased a squirrel, peed on my evergreen and then sat in the middle of the yard with his nose in the air. I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to get showered and ready for company coming for brunch. Jake scratched at the door and I let him in. I then got ready and on my way to the kitchen walked by the living room. The sun was shining brightly where my puppy laid trying to catch as much heat from the rays as possible. As I turned around I could hear him snoring loudly.  For a while there I actually thought that when my company left I might sneek a little shut eye. Who was I trying to kid; I knew that at that point my sweet dog would be ready for a walk and he wouldn't take no for an answer.  I guess, as usual, sleep will have to wait.  Sweet dreams every one.  xo

Being the Same and then Different

Remember as a teenager how your whole world evolved around “fitting in”? My memories are of working really hard to be the same as everyone else rather than different. The idea of picking out my daily outfit because I liked it never entered my mind. I only wanted to look like all the rest of the girls amongst my social circle. I gave them license to be the fashion police, and followed along by buying whatever they deemed to be the style of the week.

My hair was a problem because I didn’t have the kind of hair that I could grow long and style the way the divas did and I so longingly wanted to resemble. It was fine and limp and couldn't hold the Farrah Fawcette flip back style that I wanted to blow in the wind as I walked to the bus after school.  It had a “beige” tone that simply blended in to the rest of what I considered to be bland and boring. I was relieved when Barbra Streisand started dating her hair dresser, Jon Peters. She introduced us less “Barbie” like featured gals with a hair style that I knew I could pull off because I was often told that I resembled the awkwardly attractive super star. Now, I would consider this a compliment, but back then I was insulted by the comparison. However, I welcomed the permed “do”, and added some “streaks”, as we called them then, at my hairstylist’s suggestion.

Copying the “popular” girls’ attire and a new hair style moved me up the ranks of high school’s social ladder, and I experienced the phenomenon of acceptance. Surprisingly, this achievement did not provide me with lightning bolt happiness, but I was unable to understand the concept of why. Alas, 35 years later, the same trend exists and is going strong. Instead of Calvin Klein jeans, Madonna like leggings and sinched shirts, the teens today are following their peers by purchasing Coach bags, Juicy charms, and Lulu Lemon pants. Uggs are spotted on every corner, and Blackberrys are no longer only for the affluent business man as BBMing is the high schooler’s main mode of communication. It’s still all about fitting in as they walk around like Stepford children with their flat ironed hair freshly highlighted and smoothed down with must have Aragon oil.

In 20 or 30 years they will understand that being the same was much more work than being different. And, taking it one step further, that being your self is much more fulfilling and fun than trying to be someone else. Eventually, they will find out that friends accept you for all of your differences, as well as, for what you may have in common. Wouldn’t it be great if our sons and daughters figured this out a little earlier in life? Is it possible to change this trend? Are they capable of understanding this concept? More importantly, are they willing?

Irony jumps out at me as I move easily into my 5th decade of life. Where I used to look in my closet and pick out a pair of jeans and shirt that would create as close an image to Brooke Shields as possible, I now choose the outfit that reflects my personality and mood that minute or day. Where I used to take into consideration whether or not my boyfriend and later, my husband would agree with the hair style I chose or the shoes I buy, I now simply pick the style that I like and the colors that give me that "feel good" I crave. Comfort is a key consideration, and labels are no longer in the cards unless I actually like the clothes they are stitched to. Incredibly, all my friends still love me and my husband hasn’t left me yet. The only criticism I get now and then is from my teen aged children, but I don't change because of their feedback, and they actually compliment me more than I ever thought they would.
xo

My Mentor

When thinking about who I consider my mentor to be, I am stuck as there are so many people who I look up to. Some are older than me and some much younger. I find it difficult to choose just one individual as the person who has taught, guided or inspired me. As I reflect on a number of people in my life, I cannot narrow it down to one as I have a mentor who represents each aspect of my existence.

As you move through the weeks heading toward Christmas, remember to keep your days and thoughts in balance as best you can. Take the time to reflect on all of the wonderful people in your life and how they have contributed to the many pieces of who you are as a whole person. Take the time to smile at a stranger and welcome a new friend in to your life.

Here are a few of my mentors:

My husband who taught me to be a woman of great integrity. Forever choosing to make choices that reflect my own values without compromising my true self, my family or friends.

My son who taught me to be my authentic self and to believe in my dreams.

My daughter who taught me how to figure out that life can have many paths and it is possible to find joy in each one of them.

My mother and father who taught me that longevity in a relationship would include some turbulence along the way.

My mother in law who taught me that being unselfish is extraordinarily complimentary.

My sister in law who taught me that giving more than you receive provides great joy.

My sister, Emily who is no longer with us, taught me that the greatest gifts come from my children.

My sister, Fran who taught me that letting your children go is the most difficult thing in the world, but that they are always with you no matter how far away they may be.

My niece, Jacqueline who taught me that being courageous when confronted with adversity will give you great confidence and strength, and that the comfort of a friend is the icing on the cake.

My aunt, Rita who taught me that being a mom can be challenging and rewarding at the same time, and that if you follow your heart, you have done the best you can.

My friend, Jane who taught me that every one deserves to be themselves and follow their own happiness, wherever it may take them.

My friend, Jocelyn who taught me to be my true self and to never deviate from that plan, and that friends may be absent for a while and then pop up when you least expect them to.

My friend, Teri who taught me the meaning of loyalty, trust and friendship.

My friend, Alison who taught me how to take the time to figure out who I am and to find joy in my life wherever I can.

My friend, Kate who taught me how to be brave and face life head on, and that nothing in life is that important to feel that bad.

My friend, Janet who taught me that it is never to late to change your path, no matter what or how long it takes.

And my friend's daughter and my friend Angie who taught me that you can figure all of this out at a very young age, survive and be happy.

Lastly, all the people who I haven't mentioned who I learn something from every time we meet and speak.

Lots of love to everyone in my life and to those who have yet to enter into it!!!!  xoxo

xoxo

Outlet Malls, Abundance and Gratitude

After just returning from a spectacular holiday, I sit at my little desk and reflect on how grateful I am for the time spent with my husband and our two amazing friends. Looking out the window of my office provides me with a shivering scene complete with a thin layer of frost on the grass and neighbours bundled up to compensate for the shock of the change in temperature. A far cry from the 40 degree weather we enjoyed in the desert climate of Palm Springs, or as we called it, “Paradise”.

While en route to our sunny destination, the only vision I had was laying by the pool, a cocktail in my hand, palm trees swaying in the gentle breeze and the sun shining above. Relaxation at its best with perhaps a little shopping mixed in for pleasure. Because all four of us LOVE to shop, we were more than happy to take a trip to the local outlet malls. I know the words “outlet mall” may make you shudder as you see row after row of the same stores that you see in every city that hosts one of these vast retail villages. But no, close your eyes and envision this, Juicy Couture, Prada, Coach, J Crew, Banana Republic, Fossil, Ed Hardy, Ugg, Gucci, Nine West and so much more. Unbelievable!! You can understand how a few hours at 3 large premiere outlet malls became a daily outing.

We laughed as each day we decided would be our last drive over to the enticing menagerie of label heaven. Once back at the hotel, I felt small waves of selfishness for all that I had bought. And yet, after a great dinner, some wine, a good night’s rest and a morning walk or run, along with a coffee at the local coffee shop, my feelings of spending regret dissipated. A quick swim and a shower and we were ready for the 20 minute trek back for more.

I am actually not a high end “label” kind of gal, but I think that the reason is because I really normally can’t afford these items of quality and beauty. Once in the throes of massive crowds in a 70% sale at a Coach outlet, it is hard to fight the bug of “want”. It was contagious and I kept telling myself that I didn’t need anything else. Then the almighty justification wave crept over me. My kids!! I can buy them their Christmas gifts here and save a lot of money!! Perfect; one for her and one for him, another for her and another for him, and so on and so on.............. Again back at the hotel I marvelled at how well I had done. I laid everything out on the bed and showed my husband my collection of shopping treasures. He laughed and asked me how we were going to bring it all home. Not to worry; I can fit them all in my suitcase............

As it turned out I learned a couple of lessons. Pack minimally and use a larger suitcase than you need. Bring another larger bag, but still carry on size, for items that you purchase while on vacation. We took one last drive over to the outlet mall out of necessity. I needed to make one final purchase; another suitcase to carry Christmas home. I’m not really sure if I saved much money during this shopping excursion with the added cost of the extra suitcase and its subsequent check in charge at the airport. What I do know for sure is that I had a great time and I can check this experience off, along with the camel ride, as another one of those “feel good” things that I have done.

Just a quick note....

to let you know that I may not be posting again until November 7th as I am on holidays.  If I get some time, I will get to some writing because I am missing my blog and followers. 
Have a great and balanced week!!!!
diana xo

Fighting with Patterns

It all started three days ago when I went down to the basement to get my luggage. I had decided to use the small suitcase in an attempt to pack minimally. You know the smaller one of the set of two that you would normally use for a weekend away. We would be away for ten days and would be experiencing two climate changes so, the fact that I even thought this was remotely feasible was a bit of a joke.

As I now sit on the plane after attempting and being unsuccessful in trying to have a nap, I chuckle to myself reflecting on how I tried to shove 15 full outfits, 5 pairs of shoes including running shoes, work out wear, bathing suits, 2 sun hats, makeup and toiletries (remember, I’m a skin therapist) in, what seems now, a little wee bag. I barely got half of the clothes in, and quickly realized that I needed to go back downstairs for the big suitcase; the one that expands so that you can bring home the clothes that you bought while shopping on your trip.

Walking down the stairs with the small suitcase in tow, I knew that there would be a comment made about, not necessarily the size of the big bag, but definitely about the weight. His suitcase would be the same size, but would not be as heavy. I could barely lift it, so I knew it would be dually noted. Although I knew that it was just his way of “pulling my chain”, I started thinking of ways to justify the amount of wardrobe changes I was bringing with me. My mindset swiftly moved into justification mode. I worked hard to fight that pattern, but once it began, I found it difficult to challenge its intricate weave. After many years of watching the women in my family feel the need to defend what they wanted to do and say, I was determined to fight my destiny of the same.

I took a deep breath and wiped my thoughts clean. The paradigm of needing to have a reason for what I packed for a trip was ridiculous. “Away with you, bad, unreasonable thoughts”. I put my ipod in the docking station and cranked up the music. I focused on the lyrics and sang with the passion of Barbra Streisand. This was my meditation; my way of cutting off the power of others’ control. I was empowered, and I packed everything that I could think of that I might possibly want to wear at any given moment. I included extra scarves, belts, purses and jewellery and even an extra pair of shoes. Gone was the minimalist theory; I was bringing it all!!

Yesterday, my husband loaded the car. When he lifted up my bag, he looked at me and smiled. He never said a thing. It felt like because I had released the energy of the past and blocked the pattern, he failed to receive the cue to comment.

On our way to the airport last night, I sat in the car and thought about all of the items in my suitcase. Damn, I had forgotten to pack my pyjamas!!!!!!

Being Whole

“The secret to being whole is all about being you without worrying what anyone else thinks”. I heard this yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it. There is an epidemic of women trying to please other’s in their lives while, unconsciously, yet willingly, losing their true self in the process. As the years go by, we realize that everything that we had deep down in the root of our heart and spirit has been pushed aside. Bit by bit we feel like we just have small fragments of what we used to have; we aren’t whole any more. How did that happen?

I remember as a teenager and through my 20’s, I was guided by what I believed in and what I really valued. I had opinions, expressed them openly and passionately defended them. My 30’s changed my life as I welcomed and cherished my two children. I simultaneously struggled with my desire to have a successful career with financial security as my motivation. My heart pulled me home, but my independence and need for empowerment pulled me in the other direction. I managed to do it all very well, but much to me own detriment. My 40’s proved to be incredibly disappointing as all of the time and energy I expended to obtain “success” in both my personal and professional life left me tired, beaten and broken.

As I move into my 50’s I finally realize that no amount of money or career achievement can provide me with the sense of self and fulfillment that knowing who I am, and truly being that person can provide. By following my heart, my intuition and being able to do what I want to do without feeling like I need to justify it, is incredibly freeing and empowering. If only I had discovered this or not forgotten this earlier, I would never have experienced the misunderstood feeling of guilt and rejection. No one inflicted these feelings on me, but me. I learned this from my mother, and she from hers. The innate need to take care of others and never yourself is dysfunctional and extraordinarily unhealthy. We all have the choice, but never really recognize that it is there, right in front of us, until way too late in life.

This is what we must teach and ask our daughters. What do you love to do? What really brings you joy? You must feel that joy in your life. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and think with your heart. Don’t think about money or things. If you are doing something you feel good about, all good things deserving will come to you. You do not need to listen to others to get the answer; you know the answer; it is simple; where does your passion lie? Feel it and it will come to you. And when it does, don’t question it, don’t justify it, just move with it and you will be whole.

Forgiveness

I met up with a friend in a store the other day, and I haven’t spoken with her for a very long time. This was a conscious decision I made, not to have her in my life. For the past year, I have taken great effort to repel her from my existence, and it took a lot of effort on my part to achieve this alienation successfully. I felt like I was quitting smoking, cold turkey; very uncomfortable, and with no warning to her. Not discussing my abrupt change of behaviour was not an acceptable course of action as I reacted in defence rather than from my heart. I have known all along that I should have dealt with this conflict one on one, but I went the “tough guy” route and simply rejected her instead.

What she did to me 2 summers ago was inexcusable and extraordinarily hurtful. If you recall from my previous “what you need to know about me as a friend.........,” I don’t react well to being hurt by those who love me. I generally become very hard on my exterior and decide to eliminate the attacker by running away. And so, that is what I did. I was told that she probably doesn’t even realize what she had done and that I should just forgive her and move on. Because I was so incredibly hurt, I just couldn’t fathom how she could not know how her actions affected me and others. Was she really that unaware of her own feelings that she couldn’t see the arrows flying towards me? Was she so emotionally detached that she could only focus on what she wanted and how she would benefit from her actions?

A lot of time has passed and I have grown emotionally over the past year. I no longer require the crutch of a friend, but rather offer, welcome and appreciate a friend’s support and love. It’s more difficult to hurt me because I am my own best friend and rely on my own validation. I believe that there is good in everyone and that most people’s intentions are good. If someone does hurt me, she doesn’t intend to; she just hasn’t had that incredible moment of awakening when we realize what truly matters.

So, as I walked toward this person in the store, and had a choice to turn around and run or smile and forgive; I chose the latter. We chatted for about 30 minutes, as if nothing had ever happened. I do forgive her for her transgressions, and I think that over time, I may even forget. Maybe not; time will tell, but at least I am at peace with myself, and hopefully, she is too.