Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Expectations

I lay on the couch today with a heating pad on my neck, and I closed my eyes as I listened to the silence. I breathed in and out slowly, and thought about what I had realized only moments before ~ “I do have expectations”. I knew that I had expectations of myself, and that I was slowly winning the battle of ”adjusting” them. Until this moment, I had really convinced myself that what others expected of me did not matter. For a very long time, I believed that anyone who came in or out of my life could exist as they pleased, and their actions or words would have no impact on me. Not so!!

I have read every self help book, watched every Oprah show, meditated, analysed every song on the radio and sat in church and prayed to find the strength to disengage from patterns of guilt and expectations. Using the phrase of an inspiring friend, “I am a work in progress”, and, although I have experienced significant growth, I have a long way to go!!

Forever a person who is up for a challenge, I find that I am tired; tired of trying to find the perfect anecdote for happiness. I am tired of needing a reason to do what I want to do. Tired of not having the courage to say, “no, I don’t want to do that”. I am tired of pleasing others while sacrificing my own needs. Sounds selfish? Maybe, maybe not.

I realize that much of my life has been about pleasing others, thus the rant about “expectations”, whether they are my own or others. Sometimes I wonder who I really am..........the good daughter, the devoted wife, the loving mother, the loyal friend............. all expected traits of a good person. But “who” am I, and how did I become this person?

As I lay on the couch, it came to me; I am this person that everyone expected me to be with added character traits that come from deep within. The conflict is the ratio of the expected and who I really am. They fight each other, and the "expected" wins, while the "true self" becomes frustrated and angry as she yearns to pop out and take over.  And so, I guess it is time for me to dare myself instead of you. Dare myself to be worthy enough to really be myself, rather than allow the person others expect me to be, to be in control.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Family Reunion, August 28, 2010

Yesterday was my family’s reunion held at my brother and sister-in-law’s beautiful home in Stirling, Ontario. It was held in a country setting, complete with a pig roast, live country band and a camp fire at the end of the day. Signs along the road directed us to the balloons on the mailbox. Classic ~ which was what I loved about it. Upon arrival, it was obvious that this family had spent hours, most likely days, tending to the flower beds and lawns to ensure an inviting, picturesque scene. The sun shone brightly, with a slight breeze. Shade was plentiful from the abundance of trees and a covered area on the deck. We walked in the direction of the music, around the house, past the roasting pig, to all of my relatives engaged in hugs, kisses, and endless chatter. This was as good as it gets.

Most of my family consists of my mother’s side of the family; they are of Dutch decent. There were 14 children in all; one died at a very early age as a child, and 3 passed later in life, all sadly missed. The women in this family are strong and vibrant. All are either in their 70’s or 80’s, and one just celebrated her 90th birthday; 6 have been widowed for several years. The youngest brother is 70.  They all married young and raised families. Half stayed in Holland while half immigrated to Canada.

When I was a child, my cousins were my friends. Some lived next door to me, others a block or two or cities away. Our parents ensured that we reunited often. Summers spent with my cousins were vacations to look forward to. Our parents strived for simple happiness and all that is good. Family was and still is their passion, and they know that they can turn to one another in good times and bad. Hard work is part of their genetic makeup, and they have passed this on to us, their children, as have we to ours. Kindness and love is the root of our heritage. Their extended families are a reflection of a “job well done”, and they have indeed done a fabulous job!!

This affirmation came to me as I sat on a lawn chair on this spectacular deck in the country. I observed all of these amazing people interacting with one another. Although, not all could attend, five sisters, one brother, their children, and grandchildren; 3 generations of family, ate, drank, shared stories, and sang Dutch songs for hours. How different from one another we all were, and yet, how incredibly very much alike! Some of us are married, some divorced, some widowed, some re-married, ; we are teachers, office administrators, retailers, investors, stay at home moms and dads; a few of my generation are retired or anxiously awaiting this next stage. We are city folk, country folk, and people somewhere in between.

Our relatives depict the global description of a family. We have single moms, gay cousins, ethnic partners, relatives who have battled cancer and won, those who have battled cancer and lost, those who manage diseases; some of us go to church every Sunday, while some pray in the privacy of our homes; we even have a nun who prays for us every day! We love to shop, travel, watch movies, go out for dinner, or stay in for a home cooked meal. We love our food, and we are committed dieters!! Just like most families, we sometimes argue, but we always eventually call a truce.

We don’t see each other often. In fact, some of us haven’t connected for years. We live in different cities and are absorbed and dedicated to our own children and careers. These reunions are affirmations for us that no matter how far away we are from one another, a quick phone call, an email or a face book post would bring us together within minutes or hours. The bonds that tied us together when we were young children are still unspoken, strong and fast; they will never be broken. This is a safe haven for all of us; a place where we are always welcome and can be ourselves. My parents’ extended family was my first home; where it all started for me. I am who I am because of them; each family member gave me a little piece of myself. For that I am grateful.

On August 28, 2010, in Sterling, Ontario, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law brought us all together one more time. Hard work, love and committment, like heart and soul united us for a day.  Yesterday, Peggy and John gave us the gift of family once again.

I sat in the lawn chair with my cousins’ little girl snuggled in my lap, both of us watching the dancing flames. We told each other what we saw in the flames; a dancer, a girl with her tongue sticking out, a dog jumping.......... I looked up at the one star shining brightly in the sky, and I thought of my sister, Emily. She would be smiling right now, I thought; she would be at peace with all before her on this night. This was everything she ever wanted. Once again, affirmation that all was right in my, and my family’s world.

Friday, August 27, 2010

What If...............

What if your life as it is today, was no longer the same tomorrow?
Could you be happy?
What if you were told that you were no longer able to do the job you are doing now?
Could you be happy?
What if you were told that you could not work again?
Could you be happy?
What if you were no longer able to exercise?
Could you be happy?
What if you were unable to play with your children?
Could you be happy?
What if you were incapable of working in your garden?
Could you be happy?
What if you wanted to hug your husband, but your body hurt too much to pull him in?
Could you be happy?
What if you were too tired to go out with your friends at night?
Could you be happy?
What if you didn’t have the energy to make your family’s favourite meal?
Could you be happy?
What if every night was a struggle to fall asleep?
Could you be happy?
What if you had to sell the house that you worked so hard to keep?
Could you be happy?
What if some of your friends turned away from you when your life changed?
Could you be happy?
What if everything that you thought was important to you, was taken away from you?
Could you be happy?

Yes, you could. You could because you would look at this as a gift. It would enlighten you to the realization that all of these things were just extras in an, already bountiful, life. You would start thinking about what happiness really consists of; where happiness comes from. You would take each moment of each day and bask in its simple pleasures. You would start to feel grateful for much smaller things in your life, and you would adjust everything around you to embrace this new found fulfillment. Sitting on the porch with a morning coffee; walking the dog; reading a book; walking through a fall market; taking a nap; having a coffee with someone you care about; chatting with your children or cooking with your family. You would selectively take the time to do the things that really matter and be with the people who really took the time to understand.

What if we all dared to figured this out before we had to????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QFyKnMIa_4
If I Could ~ Barbra Streisand

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Getting off the Treadmill

 "How do you get off this treadmill?" I was recently asked. The short and simple answer is to just love your self enough to just get off of it. To love yourself enough to do what you need to do to balance your life. "But, what does that mean, and where do I start?" "There's so much to do; I don’t have time to think about that." Ah, but is there really so much to do? Is there really no time?  We have created this overwhelming life style, and we're caught up in the daily "to do" lists and what everyone else is doing. "Keeping up with the Jones'" has never been more prevalent than now; it has been taken to the highest level. We are so absorbed in what we need to buy, what we need to have and what our children need to have and do that we have lost sight of what our purpose really is.


What your purpose is for you to discover on your own. The process, however, starts with reflecting on what you crave (not food and not anything tangible) and are lacking in your life; is it love, friendship, rest, peace, creativity, good health, balance, belonging, self confidence, self worth, respect, or something else. Yes, this is a huge question to ask yourself, and the answer will not come to you quickly. You will most likely need to look back on a time when you did not feel like you had lost a piece of yourself. It was probably a long time ago.............. What made you happy then? If you truly love yourself, you will be able to do what you need to do to be accountable to yourself to find out what you really want and need.

If you really love yourself, you will find ways to simplify your life to provide you with the time you need to do the self research. Love yourself enough to ask for help. Your children can do their laundry, make dinner on certain nights, help to clean the house and do the outside chores (you're laughing right now, but they really can do it, and its not abuse to make them do it).  If they don’t have time, perhaps their lives are out of balance as well; be careful because they will lose sight of what is important and what really makes them happy as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your husband to help you as well (yes, they do need to be asked ~ even though it is annoying, it is true). Keep in mind that this endeavour may rock the world of those around you. Do not be afraid to communicate how you are feeling. They may not understand, but they will know that this is not about them; it is about you, and it is important to you. They will adjust, just as you have all these years, because they love you. If they don’t, well, you have some more thinking to do, and that's another blog post!

Eventually, you will not place blame on the world or people around you for your lack of fulfillment because you will be accountable for your own happiness and purpose, as you should. It is no one else’s responsibility to ensure your happiness, but your own. This is not selfish. Everyone deserves the right to be emotionally and physically healthy and happy. I dare you to think about what would truly make you whole and, better yet, do what you need to do to make it happen.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Recipe for Happiness

I held an infant in my arms this morning, and I tried to bring myself back to the time when I cradled my children, who are now 20 and 16 years old. I closed my eyes and envisioned both of them snuggled in on my chest. I took a deep breath to remember the way they smelled. I touched her forehead to remind me of how soft their skin was when I caressed them as I rocked them to sleep. It all came back to me within minutes. After I left, I drove away in my car, and I started recounting each phase that they went through until now. Not only have they grown physically, but they have grown emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually; maintaining their individuality throughout. They are kind and generous, independent and creative. Unconsciously, they measure their success by their integrity and character.  They are not defined by the things they do but instead, by whom they are and how they treat others.

When I think of the individuals they have become, I am proud to be their parent. I think, “a job well done”. And then I realize how easy it was for their father and me to provide them with the tools to be successful; with the words of wisdom and sensible advice; with the love and attention and with the discipline and support. It is my children who should be proud of themselves as they made all of the difficult decisions in their lives to take them to the places they are now. They created goals, followed passions, chose logically and sensibly, endured defeat and celebrated success. How easy it would have been for them to take the easy road and followed others, and not challenge themselves by being themselves. Seldom have I heard either of them indicate that s/he could not do something that they really wanted. Each of them exudes confidence, and each has her/his own level of comfort. Balance of life is important to both of them, and for that they are blessed. They are both eager to learn more and experience life. Mixing all of that with their curiosity of the world and they have created a recipe for happiness.

http://www.amandashome.com/road.html
Road Less Traveled ~ Robert Frost

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Singing in the Rain

Just got back from a walk in the rain.  Felt like I was a child again; used to dance in bare feet on the front lawn in the rain; care free with all kinds of thoughts swirling around my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7QL46cK7B8&feature=related
Singing in the Rain ~ Gene Kelly :)

Research Project

The heat has lifted, and the rain has been falling for 2 days. Just over a week away from September 1st ; the leaves will be turning soon. There is a shift in personalities as the seasons change and everyone prepares for new activities. We move from a summer, relaxed mode to the hustle of getting things done and more scheduled activities. Sadness of a summer gone by is replaced by the anticipation of new beginnings. When I walk out on to the porch to retrieve the newspaper I stop to smell the start of the fresh fall air; I can feel it coming, breathe deeply in and out.

This is my season. It is short, but it is the time of year when I feel the most alive. I was born September 3rd, I am a Virgo. Born right in the middle of my zodiac sign, I am the poster child of Virgos! To everyone around me, I present a calm and together exterior. But on the inside, I have an intense mind constantly trying to figure things out. I am a deep thinker who likes to analyze, improve and perfect. I easily tire myself out as I won’t stop until I get my perception of what it is, right.

Like any project I undertake, I have recently decided to research “me”; how I think, what motivates me, why I do what I do. What prompted this? My motivation was the revelation that my relationships with those close to me were becoming uncomfortable and strained. I could not ignore this change as these people are extraordinarily important to me. I was reacting defensively; trying to “survive” conversations and interactions. I couldn’t fight my feelings, but I couldn’t explain or justify them either. I had to be me, but I didn’t understand who I was anymore. Somewhere along the way, I had lost a piece of myself. I needed her back, and I was fighting for my life.

This became the most important endeavour that I have ever delved into. Being a Virgo, I jumped in with both feet and no life jacket. One thing I know for sure is that I was scared to death. Unveiling my deepest thoughts and feelings, and recognizing my insecurities is not a Virgo trait. We do not want anyone, especially ourselves, to see what we perceive to be flaws or faults; we ignore them; we strive for perfection in all areas of our lives. We carry a shield to protect us from vulnerability. We are always fine.

But, don’t be deceived; we are not fine all the time. None of us are. Throwing zodiac signs aside, as human beings we are all in need at some point in our lives.  Sometimes, we need to unveil our fears and sometimes, we need to do the research for ourselves and those we love so, that we can be the true friends that we should be. Making assumptions is the easy way; it justifies not taking the time to care.  Remember that the wrapping paper makes what could be an ugly gift, very pretty.  Loving someone includes following your intuitive compass; no one should ever stand alone when in need, whether they express their need or not.

My self-therapy is ongoing and extremely insightful; I have and continue to discover a lot about myself; . It has helped me to grow, to be more forgiving of myself and others, and to welcome change. It has opened my mind and heart to take the time to really get to know the people in my life. Investing in the research of another is the greatest gift you can give yourself and someone you care about, including yourself. It enables you to provide them with what they need without them asking for it. They do not feel like they are letting their guard down; it is non-threatening and unspoken. It is a code of love.

Whether you are a Virgo, Scorpio or an Aries, don’t underestimate your ability to make a difference in your life or the lives of others. Taking the time to follow your heart chakra and dig deep beyond the facade of someone’s self-protection is a reflection of genuine love and caring.

It’s September; changing of the seasons. Dare ya..................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTcOP2CZmpM  
September in the Rain ~ Dinah Washington (classic!!!)

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Bonita"

Recently, at an art show in the park, I walked by a Tarrot Card reader named, Bonita, and decided on a whim to be courageous and sit in front of her.  Part of me said,"eek, don't do it", but another part of me said, "she is going to tell you something you need to think about".  And she did.  She told me a few things that I already knew about myself.  Apparently, my OCD aura was in full force that day!  She then closed her eyes and there was silence.  After what seemed a very  long time (only a few moments), she looked directly into my eyes and told me that I never grieve............anything or anyone.  I looked at  her, sat back and crossed my arms; I was not receptive to this revelation at first.  Then she continued to clarify; "in your life you don't cry for those who die and you don't cry when you experience life changes; you take care of things and solve problems".  Ummmmm, that's true.  "Eventually, not grieving for your losses, if it hasn't already, will manifest in you some other way; you may become ill".  O.k this is weird; it was too much to process all at once; does the truth really hurt?  Why didn't I grieve?  What was stopping me?  I never really thought about it.  She continued, "something happened to you a long time ago that made you feel like, from that moment on, you had to take care of everyone and be the one in control; the strong one".

Have you ever thought that you were doing really well; making changes, evolving; take care of yourself, and then "Bonita" comes along and you think you have been hit over the head with a sledge hammer, "I have a lot of work to do!!"  At first I was not inviting of this information.  I walked into the art show feeling care free and relaxed, and I left feeling like I needed therapy.  Then I took the time to process what she said.  I had to think about whether or not what she communicated was true, which it was, and then I decided to look back on my past to determine specific instances that I did not grieve.  There were so many that I could not count them.  Bonita really made me think about how I process things and events.  How I protect myself.  How we all protect ourselves from things and people.  I dared my self to go where I have feared to go for a very long time.  It is scary, but very necessary if I want to know more about myself, how I tick and how I can move forward and be healthy.

Daring yourself to really look inward is your homework today.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

True Essence

15 days until my 50th birthday. I do not consider it a major event, and I am not afraid of growing older. I actually embrace it as I am getting to know who I really am more and more as I enter this next decade. I contemplate how differently I view all aspects of life from when I was 40. Over the last 25 years, I have created and nurtured a life rich in love and happiness. My family and friends, and my connection and time with them are more valuable to me now than ever before. I have no regrets. I anticipate and welcome more self awareness as the days, weeks and years move forward.

I take life less seriously now, although I am much more insightful and accepting to personal change and enlightenment. As a result, I am more accepting of all kinds of people, who they are and how they look. I am less patient and intolerant of unkindness. Its character lacks congruency with mine, and this causes unrest and conflict. My love for those who use it as a shield continues but, it is strained and uncomfortable by their unwillingness to dive into facing what scares them. Through my work, I have spoken daily with women about this very thing. “Something is missing,” “I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself over the years,” “I don’t feel whole any more,” “I’m tired all the time,” etc. Rather than just console them, “I know, me too,” “I’m tired too,” “Life is so busy,” I dare to ask them, “You feel this way for a reason; can you think of why?” Those who really want to make a difference wake up and start talking. Those who are afraid to look deep within, deny themselves the luxury of learning about their inner selves, finding out what they fear and growing emotionally; everything is every one else’s fault, and everything becomes a “whose right and whose wrong” issue. I know these people very well because I used to be one of them. I recognize now how tiring I was. How intimidating I was. How scary I was.

I have slowly changed because I couldn’t survive this way. I became extremely unhealthy and I was becoming toxic to all those around me. I have found the courage to look deep into my soul and find the essence of who I really am. This has been a sometimes painful travel as I faced demons that I have been running from for half a century. I experienced a decline of health, and as a result, loss/change of career and friendships. These are not easy to let go of.  But I did, and as a result, I dared to look within and slowly experienced emotional and spiritual growth. What I have gained has been well worth the agony of digging deep within myself to establish what I cherish the most, which is very simply, me. The love that I have for myself is most valuable. For if I do not love all that I am, how can I love anyone else?

I lost the will and energy to maintain my sense of self as it was and which I thought was a reflection of my self worth. I used to think that the value was in what I am, rather than who I am. I quickly learned that career and “stuff” do not define me. It does not matter how much money I make, how many hours I spend exercising, or how many calories I have eaten; whether or not I have a university degree, I am fat or thin, or my business is large or small; that my children are star athletes or highly academic, or  that my husband is a millionaire or a pauper.  How I treat people and the time I take to get to know and show my love for them is an indication of my true character and my integrity. It is where I am comfortable; it is where I feel confident and safe. It is who I truly am. I have learned that the gentler I am with people, the gentler they will be in return. The more respect I show them, the more I will receive.  The kinder I am to myself, the kinder I am to others.  Those who reject this kindness and continue to seek happiness otherwise will now experience resistance from me. I will not be vulnerable to the persistence of competition and the promotion of defensive reactions; they develop anxiety and an “on-guard” environment which is not congruent with my state of mind. I do not envision any reward in defending my character. I refuse to sacrifice my sense of self within any relationship, no matter how much love or time has been invested. I continue to grieve my past self as she was a good and giving person. She just lacked the love of herself that would make her complete and content.

I invite you to reflect on what you are missing and dare to dig deep to find out what you fear. You will then find your true essence through surprising inner revelations.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Faking It

Do you ever feel like you've been faking it all these years? Like everything that you have been doing, saying and your whole being has been an imposter living inside your body. Everyone around you thought you liked what you were doing because you did it well. You changed careers / jobs several times, and felt like you failed each time because you were swayed by society's perception of your shift. Each time, you thought, "When am I going to get it right"? "Why can't I find something I am happy doing"? What you finally realized is that each time you changed your course you made a choice that brought you closer to your real purpose.

You did get it right because with each step you learned more about what you don't want to do or be, and you moved closer to what you are meant to be doing and are meant to become. With each life change and decision you made, you evolved towards your ultimate goal of genuine self. You didn't consciously know what your destiny was, but you knew that you weren’t there yet. You embraced the excitement of change, and welcomed the evolution of who you were eventually meant to be, even when it felt uncomfortable. You fought the feelings of allowing others' reactions to control your thoughts. You heard the criticism and then placed it on the shelf. You ignored adult peer pressure and shunned the cult of "sameness". You decided to listen to what you were passionate about and followed its lead. You didn’t always see the destination but, without realizing it, you knew that you would arrive there when the time was right. Although not always pleasant, you took the steps to move ahead, and each time you were confident that you were making the right choice given your circumstances and responsibilities. This is called “integrity”.

We consider someone with integrity as an individual who is honest and sincere while making decisions without hurting anyone in her life. That definition needs to include you. Just as you cannot love others if you don’t love yourself, how can you possibly be honest and sincere with others if not with yourself?

I dare you to continue to be yourself, use your integrity to make decisions and love all that you are; you will never feel like you are faking it again.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Time To Rest

I was up with my dog, Jake, at 7 a.m. this morning as either I or my husband is every day.  Jake comes in and lays beside my bed, his tags chiming with each movement he makes as he patiently waits for me to roll out of bed.  He is wide awake and hungry.  I can feel his energy waiting to be released.  I open my eyes, and his are already glued to mine.  His paws are in position to bound out of the room into the kitchen.  Peeling the covers off of me, he is now already half way there.  I don't laugh out loud because I don't want to wake my family (if they haven't already woken from his galloping on the hardwood) but, I smile a wide grin.  He wags his tail, perks his ears and trips over my heals as I open the back shutters for him to look out to the back yard; his early morning entertainment.  This is his television; a screen filled with squirrels jumping from tree to tree, rabbits nibbling on plants in my flower beds, the leaves moving tirelessly with the wind.  I make the coffee and my breakfast, and then get the newspaper from the mailbox.  He hears the front door open and close; his queue to run to the kitchen knowing that he will now be fed.  He sits politely as I pour his food in his dish, add some water to the bowl and turn to face him.  He waits for me to say, "take it", and then lunges toward his reward.  After devouring the meal, he goes to the kitchen door and rings the bell hanging on the door knob with his nose.  It is time for his morning constitution and a run around the yard.  After his exercise, he comes inside, runs to the window for one last look, then jumps on to his couch and closes his eyes.  It is now time to rest.

I feel like it is now time for me to rest.  After two weeks of intense work closing my existing business, I am ready to lay down.  I should take a lesson from Jake.  Animals act and react by instinct and intuition.  "I have slept all night; I am awake; I want to play".  "I am tired; I am going to lay down".  People have created a need for constant movement and task completion.  We think in a paradigm of lists; what is next, "what should I get done today"?  I have decided to follow my instincts and shift my paradigm now.  It is time for me to consider, "what can I do that I want to do today"?  Today I am going to have some fun, and afterwards I will lay down beside my dog and rest.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Just Be

Every morning I wake up and take some long, deep breaths; I keep my eyes closed and I dare myself to:

Be kind to myself and others;
Be patient and calm;
Be gentle to my body;
Be quiet and meditate;
Be grateful;
Be in every moment and enjoy;
Be willing to adjust my expectations with everything I do;
Just be.

I dare you to pick one today, and feel how it changes your day....................

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One Thing She Is Sure Of

Had a coffee with a friend this morning.  A very inspiring woman faced with challenges like so many of us are.  However, there was a refreshing difference with this woman's perspective of her plight and others I have spoken with.  Although she is facing one of the most difficult times in her life, she sees hope; she wants to believe there is hope and she wants hope so desperately that she envisions it just so she can get to it.  She has been hurt, humiliated and disrespected yet, she still has the ability to smile and laugh, and carries herself with confidence and dignity.  She knows no matter how unfairly she has been treated, what others think of her, what she looks like, how much she weighs, fat or thin, how smart she is, or what she does for a living do not define her.  All of these things and all of the people in her life merely enhance or betray who she really is.  Her true self lies deep within her heart and soul; it is undescribable and undefinable.  It is her intuitiveness, her knowing, her being that truely defines her.  No one can take away what can't be seen, what  is deep within her.  She will fight to keep it while she hangs on to the hope.  That's all she is sure of.

Monday, August 9, 2010

To Be Or, Not To Be...............

To be grumpy or not to be grumpy?  That is the question.  Do we really have the right to inflict our grumpiness onto others?  Or, should we be able to contain our nasty side and fake it for 24 hours, knowing that tomorrow will be a better day.  Have you ever woken up feeling not quite yourself, but you were willing to perservere so as not to inflict your personal discontent on those around you.  As you look in the mirror, you splash some water on your face and you tell yourself, "come on, they don't deserve to listen to me grumble".  You put on your "happy" morning face and walk out to the kitchen.  But they know something is off because it is difficult to camoflage such inner suffering.  And so they wonder, "did I do something wrong?", " is she not feeling well?", "did she not sleep well?"  They contemplate what to do because chances are any one of these scenarios could be the trigger for her discontent.  Knowing what kind of a person you are, should they just accept that you are having a bad day and leave you alone?  Obviously, they know you well enough that they have figured out that something is bothering you because this is not your usual self.  Or, without any kind of explanation to defend your demeanor, have you set yourself up for critisism?  Do you deserve that, or can this just be a day of no personal or outside expectations?

Perhaps it would be better to just walk out into the kitchen and tell everyone, "I am grumpy today; I don't want to tell you why;  please don't bother me; don't talk to me, don't ask me for anything or ask me to do anything, and, definitely, don't try to make me feel better because that will piss me off even more."  There!!  It would be out and everyone would know how you are feeling.  Hopefully and respectfully, they would accept this mood that you are in and leave you alone.  Or, would they?  Should they?  Do they deserve an explanation?

Both of these scenarios allows you to just be who you are feeling that day under one condition; those surrounding you react accordingly and with love, without requesting defence or justification.  When others react negatively to your grumpiness, it only provokes more of the same and could domino into anger.

In the end, it is you who needs to govern this situation.  It is you who decides whether your family and friends can handle a serving of your grumpy state; whether they should endure such unintensional abuse; and whether you are willing to take the time re-program them to allow you to be grumpy without any type or amount of judgement.  And finally, do you dare to do the same for them?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Reactions

Reactions are interesting as they are individually different and, although often expected, can also be very unexpected.  Since the change in my business direction due to a medical change, I have received many responses to this news.  I was overwhelmed with the genuine concern, empathy and support that I received from most of my clients, family and friends.  The majority of them stressed the importance of my health and happiness, and expressed excitement in regards to the new direction I am taking with my business.  Others, however, viewed the change as somewhat of a death; a tragedy, as if a part of me had died and I would never get it back again.  I felt as if I was in the line up in a wake consoling those attending the mourning of the deceased.  As the days progress, my emotions are swaying up and down keeping in rhythm with each response to my new endeavor.  It is exhausting anticipating how someone will react, and then reiterating over and over again that this is the path I was meant to take; it is not defeat, it is not a setback.  I am still me as I was; an entirely new side of me is being revealed and it is incredibly freeing.  I am not afraid to move forward and discover another part of me that I can share with the universe. Since my notice of change, I have been presented with many new opportunities.  They presented themselves in the oddest of venues and situations.  Every day I wait for what I will be reflecting on as I lay my head on my pillow at night.  Come with me and open your hearts and minds to newness and the excitement of endless possibilities ~ I dare you!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How do we overcome?

One of my dear sweet friends has fallen victim to the wrath of the "husband's betrayal".  After enduring much lying and cheating, the up and down of emotional turmoil and the pain of being disrespected and intentionally hurt, she is trying to move forward.  During this process, time and time again, she agrees to work together with him in the best interest of the children.  Time and time again, he lies to her and deceives her without the best interest of the children in mind.  He continues to lie, deceive and humiliate her.  How does one overcome such pain?
Take 5 minutes and think about this.......................now imagine (perhaps you have already experienced this) the woman scorned.  From the outside and not knowing all the details of what has taken place, we see her reactions to the adulterer's deception.  Society's paradigm (there's that word again) is that she is a nasty, selfish, spoiled bitch who is out to get her husband for all she can get.  The neighbors do not know that he cheated on her numerous times and continues to cheat on her, lies to her and their children daily, and has communicated that it is he who is in pain as he is starving for love and attention.
How does one not react negatively to such intentional pain, humiliation and disrespect?  How does one move forward positively after such betrayal?  How do we overcome?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Paradigms

A paradigm is a complex thought process that controls our perception of all within the universe.  It especially molds how we feel about individuals, the relationships we have with them and how we manage life's most difficult moments.
Going through a particularily difficult time right now, I am overwhelmed with the fear of change.  Outwardly, being brave and positive; inwardly being afraid and intrepid.  Having to make a change when you have no choice can be regarded as a function of personal defeat or success ~ opposing paradigms.  When that lack of choice or control comes at a time when you least expect it, it can feel like you have had the wind knocked out of your sales.  You are moving along and everything is going as planned.  You feel loved, welcomed and part of something good.  Suddenly, the message changes as you cannot stay on the same path you are on ~ defeat.  Or, you are moving along your planned route, and you see something exciting down the road that you would like to be a part of.  You never seem to get there because you are so absorbed in your current journey.  Suddenly, you are forced to make a change and the opportunity to travel to that destination presents itself to you.  You make the choice to go where you want to go, rather than where you are expected or should go ~ success.  Intuition is the guiding force behind choosing the right paradign; I dare you to follow your heart in all that you do.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Look Into My Eyes

Have you ever moved through your day and taken note of how many times you ask, "how are you?"  I sat in a local coffee shop one morning and listened as each customer progressed to the cash register and asked, "how are you?"  If the customer did not initiate the question, it was sure to to be asked by the clerk.  Once I noted the repetitive question, I paid more attention and came to realize that neither party was asking with much interest; it was simply a polite, habitual gesture, usually asked while completing another task; getting out a wallet or ringing in the transaction.  I wondered how often I ask this question in a day, and whether or not I dare to take the time to really care what the answer is.  After testing myself for a couple of hours, it became clear ~ if you do not look directly into someone's eyes and ask them any question, she will not take the time to tell you the true answer; she will just give you a quick statement to move you along.  She does this without thinking.  It is a behavioural response given intuitively because your tone, physical stance and where you are looking indicate that you really don't care what her answer is. 
It is a bit of a joke in my house that if you go anywhere with me, it will take longer than expected because people always have a story to tell me.  It is now very clear to me why this occurs; I take the time to stop doing what I am doing, stand in front of the person I am addressing and look directly in her eyes, and I then ask, "How are you doing"?  From that I receive the answer that she thinks I want; the truth.  This is what I want because if she is having a great day, it will transfer on to me and others; if she is having a difficult day, I may be able to console or inspire her.  This takes time, effort and genuine caring; difficult tasks in a very busy world, but well worth the comfort you will receive by showing someone that you really want to know how she is.
I think you will be surprised by the impact this simple act will change your day.  So, I dare you to take the time today to stop and look into someone's eyes and ask, "how are you?" like you really want to know.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"You Look Good Though!"

I have always done my best to look as good as I possibly can.  Until now, that meant makeup, hair, and a great outfit every day.  I have finally reached the point where I can get up in the morning, shower, throw on some leggings and a t-shirt, blow dry my hair and go out the door without spending the extra 15 minutes to apply makeup and choose the perfect clothes.  Before I leave the house, I look in the mirror once and look only into my eyes, instead of taking in my entire face and body, I visualize all the goodness inside of me.  This is the gift that I have received through the last 5 years of managing Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Through this continuous process, I have discovered the societal importance of physical beauty.  No matter how much pain I am in, how tired I am or how frunstrated I may feel, I am always  told, "You look good though!"  When I was first diagnosed, I took offense to this statement that was repeated over and over again.  I felt that it minimized my disease and the severety of it.  Because 9 out of 10 people that I meet made the statement, I started to think about why it was reiterated over and over again.  A couple of revelations:  perhaps, they knew how important "looking my best" meant to me, and they were trying to make me feel better; perhaps, society is so obsessed with "looking good" that they automatically move to that in an attempt to console me; lastly, people want me to be better, and find it difficult to deal with so, they move toward a statement that is a positive closer.  I am no longer offended by the statement, and make a point of accepting that "looking my best" is just being me; sometimes I take the time, and sometimes I don't.  No matter which scenario, ironically, I am still greeted with, "You look good though!"