Finding a Glimmer of Light

Well, it is almost February and I dare say that we are at the halfway point to our destination of “spring”. I am not a lover of winter. I have never had great success finding the joy in the snow or the cold. The shorter days and the lack of fresh air create a longing in me for the newness of April air and the beauty of bulb flowers. I really try to enjoy the winter and I go outside as much as possible, but the cold temperatures cause me great physical agony, so I retrieve to the warmth of my home.

March is the month when I feel like I have made it through. It is when I know that the temperatures will not move lower than I can tolerate. I thought of this the other day when I turned around from my makeup table to see my dog laying in a stream of sunshine under a rack of clothes in my closet. He too was looking for a little of light amidst the winter days. You see, his life also changes in the winter because I can only walk him on the days that the temperature dips down to a mere minus 5. Anything lower and my fingers and toes move into a condition called Raynaud’s Syndrome. It is a common phenomenon that presents as secondary to autoimmune diseases and causes decreased blood flow and numbness.



I feel sad when I see Jakie waiting all day for me to grab the leash and take him out but, he is patient and seems to understand. He knows that when spring arrives, he will be walked every day, and he seems to wait with gratitude in the stream of sun that pours in from the bitter cold. It is that light at the end of the tunnel that we all seem to look forward to.



Date Night

Last night, my husband and I went to see “The King’s Speech”. It was one of the most profound movies I have seen.  The story line is simple, yet very complex.  There are so many messages that it is difficult to narrow it down to just one. As I descended the theatre steps, it occurred to me that each person in the audience would be interpreting the movie differently depending on their own personal past.

For me, the role that the shilling played was the most significant as it resembled the lifetime burden that King George VI had held his entire life and caused his stammering. The shilling, displaying a portrait of his father on one side, is the symbol of choice for all of us. It reiterates that we all have a past, some of it great, some of it not so great, and that we have the ability to choose how much we allow the good and the bad to control our destiny.

What the King decides to do with the shilling is a lesson in integrity. Will he continue to carry it around in his pocket, or give it away? We all carry demons in our pockets; they are true outside experiences that we store in our memories. They are only real because we experienced them; they are not necessarily congruent with our values or beliefs. It is our integrity and how we act on our memories that influences whether or not we allow the past to interfere with our choices of the present.

The only way that we can be whole is to listen to our integrity, our inner selves. We need to weed out the things in our lives that are not consistent with what our inner self is telling us. Allowing ourselves to be changed against all better inner judgement and as a result of someone else’s interactions with us, is a debilitating force against what we know is true. If we allow what people in our past did or said to control our views, we begin to fight our integrity and this creates lack of authenticity.

Being true to yourself involves, not just listening to your inner voice, but choosing to follow through by allowing it to speak with your outer voice. Making this choice aligns your inner self with your outer self, and you have achieved the beauty of being whole.

How do “The King’s Speech”, integrity and a shilling create the concept of being whole? You really should see this movie!!!!



Success and Happiness

I have been away from my blog this week as I have been preoccupied with setting up some university visits with my daughter who is sorting out "what she wants to be when she grows up".  After a few days of much discussion, I had to finally write about our thoughts about it all.

I don’t believe that anyone can do anything they want to do. I do not have the skill set or the academic ability to become a physician although I love helping people. I don’t have the physical capacity to perform the duties of a brick layer or a construction worker although I love to create. I am definitely incapable of anything related to science or detailed technology although I am interested in both subjects. We need to think about what our children are capable of achieving when we guide them in their future career endeavours. So often, we place unreasonable dreams of infinite abilities in their minds, and, subsequently, do them an incredible disservice when the goals become unachievable.

We are also masters at ignoring their likes and dislikes. Assuming that because a child excels at a certain subject or activity is indicative that she will be happy doing it for the rest of her life can be the difference between being personally fulfilled and yearning for that certain something else. Acknowledging their true passion and abilities is the most supportive thing that any parent can do for their teenager. Encouraging them to pursue that talent is the next. Equally impactful, is recognizing that being capable doesn’t equate to a love of something.

There is great value in supporting our children when they are pursuing goals that are attainable and within their achievement realm.  However, advocating that a person is “capable of anything you set your mind to” can set them up for disheartening failure and deflating self confidence. It will diminish one’s self esteem as much as criticism does. Equally damaging is assuming that your child’s dreams are the same as yours. We seem to take great pride in the similarities that we have with our children, and yet they usually do not accept any likeness to us as complimentary. They often, in fact, loathe the very thought of it.

When we repeatedly comment on how much they resemble us and act like us, we indirectly create expectations that we want them to be like us. They begin to, subconsciously, feel like they will let us down if they don’t fulfill this legacy. Our likes and dislikes overtake our children’s perception of what they feel they need to do and be; great expectations with disappointing consequences. Your children have their own selves to get to know, develop and nurture. They need to find their own way without our subliminal suggestions quietly fulfilling the dreams that we had but didn’t experience.

The next time you sit down with your child get to know her as if you are meeting her for the first time. Find out what makes her smile, what makes him feel good, and what she looks forward to. This is a great start in the direction of happiness because these are the things that will matter the most to him in 20 or 30 years. This is what real success is made of.

6 Months Later

I was looking for a particular blog that I wrote back in December, and I found myself absorbed in re-reading many previous posts.  I was amazed at how evident my self-growth was from the time I started blogging (August, 2010) to now.  In less than 6 months, I have made great strides in self reflection.  I owe much of this to my willingness to change and be healthy, but I am not sure if I could have come this far if I didn’t have my blog followers to be accountable to.  One of the first things I do every day is check my blog “feedjit” which indicates each hit on my blog and where and when they occurred.  Along with the self-therapy that blogging provides me, knowing that someone somewhere has taken the time to check in motivates me to come back every day.   I have moved my blog archive up to the top right hand corner of my blog so that on the days that I don’t make it to my computer, you can grab a "post from the past" to satisfy your daily addiction.  Today is one of the days that I need a brain rest.  So, take a moment and go back to the beginning; you may be surprised how differently you interpret something months later because you, my fellow blogger and bloggee, have also evolved!!  xo

Comfort

Opening the blinds this morning, my eye caught a glimpse of red. It was a lone apple that had fallen, but was caught in mid flight during its decent toward the ground. There it straddled, wedged between two branches, looking like it would have much rather continued falling to join the other apples in my garden. The rest of the tree was barren, and I looked down to the ground searching for the remains of the other apples, only to discover that they were hidden beneath a blanket of snow. This is where they were meant to be. The snow helped in the process of decomposition which was the apples’ duty in providing the soil with added nutrients. I looked back up at the lone apple in the tree. It, too, was covered by a little hat of snow. It was like Mother Nature was compensating for the apple’s change of plans and decided to provide it with a tuque of comfort. A mother’s job, to protect, and so easily fulfilled.



Yesterday was the anniversary of my sister’s death. She was 4 years my elder, and we never really had much in common accept sisterly love. As a matter of fact, we were very different. Because she was a step ahead of me in regards to marriage and children, we could never really relate to one another until I, eventually, caught up to her each time. I was 29 when she passed away, and I had been married for 5 years. We were just thinking about having a child. She already had 3 boys who were 4, 6, and 8 upon her demise. One year after her passing, I gave birth to my first child.

It was then that I really recognized the void my sister’s death had left, but somehow she managed to provide me with the same comfort Mother Nature gave the apple. When my son had colic I would find myself wondering, “What would Emily do?” When my other sister and I sat together visiting with our children, I felt Emily’s presence and I could hear her words of wisdom whispering throughout our conversation. Sometimes at night when I would rock my son to sleep, I would open my eyes and see her smiling with reassurance. She came with me on walks with my son, and sat on the swing beside us in the park. She never criticized me or gave me any advice; she just provided me with the comfort I craved. Just like the snow on top of the apple, she gave me just enough to get through the rough times in order for me to find strength to get to the great times.

When she was sick, and I sat crying for her, she told me to put away any tears for her. She told me that she would be fine, and that I needed to enjoy all that I had and what I had to look forward to. She told me that I would be fine because someone would always be looking out for me. They were just words to me then, but now I know that they were words of comfort from an angel, like the snow hat on the apple.



1956 - 1988

Dreams and Tangled Webs

You know those crazy dreams that you have after you’ve woke up in the early morning and then go back to sleep? They’re the ones that you remember vividly, seem amazingly real, and are so out there that you want to share the hilarity of them with someone. You try to figure out how your reasonably intelligent mind created such a sequence of events, and how each of the players came together in this dream ensemble. Why would my mind piece together such a strange story? I call it the product of my “sleep mind”.

It is different from my “awake mind” because I have no control over it. When I am asleep, my mind thinks and reacts any way it pleases. So, then I wonder, which of these two minds is authentic? Is the scene in my sleep how I really feel or want things to be? In my dream, am I saying things that I really want to say when I’m awake? Is it my conscience talking to me and telling me the “true” message?

I woke up this morning smiling while remembering my early morning dream. The image of my family doctor sitting at my dining room table working on her computer was as clear as could be. My daughter and I were sitting at the table with her; Olivia working on a school essay that she needs to complete, and me “blogging” on my lap top. There was a brief discussion; the doctor asking Olivia how she was feeling, and me asking my doctor how work was going. She then informed us that she needed to get going. Hugs were exchanged, and then away she went. I had immersed our doctor into my private life. I wondered what she would think if she knew that........ I wondered what the relevance of me inviting her into my home was.........

Then I started thinking about who might be dreaming about me, and who my husband, daughter and son dream about, and how this is an example of the intricate web of connectivity amongst all of us. When I read about “Oneness” and the power of us moving together and feeding off of each other’s energy, I now realize more than ever the strength that of all of that can create if we allow ourselves to choose that path. It is so strong that it moves into our subconscious and helps to guide us toward a common thread of compassion even when we are asleep.

It seems obvious now that the relationship with our GP is greatly valued. She has supported us with her insight, knowledge and empathy, and has developed a positive relationship between me and her, and my daughter and her. The fact that I invited her into my home to sit at my table in my dream is a significant message of trust and love. This dream allowed me to reflect on how much the people in our lives, long time friends, familiar acquaintances, and strangers we meet, impact our thoughts and influence our behaviour and choices on a daily basis. As the saying goes, “what a tangled web we weave”!





Authentic Kindness

I’ve always felt like I was and am a kind person. Lately, though, I find that it has become incredibly effortless to be kind. I started reflecting on why that is. Why do I seen to see more acts of kindness now than ever before? Why do I feel much more ease at offering a kind word or gesture? And why is the feeling I have after offering up kindness, so incredibly rejuvenating?

The answer came to me when I experienced a friend stopping a conversation with me to help a stranger standing nearby. The stranger appeared to be frantically trying to contact someone by cell phone as he searched the coffee shop eager to find the person he was supposed to be meeting. He was pacing back and forth, and looked upset that no one was answering. My friend excused himself from our conversation and asked the stranger if he was looking for a business man who was meeting him where we were. The stranger looked surprised by my friend’s inquiry, but, hopefully, answered, “Yes.” My friend indicated to him that he had already been there, and had left thinking he was late and wasn’t showing up. The stranger thanked my friend for taking the time to let him know and quickly left the shop.

I looked at my friend and wondered what prompted him to take the time to help this person who would have figured everything out on his own eventually. Many would say that it wasn’t their business so, why bother. So, I asked him, “What made you do that?” He looked at me surprised and asked me, “I had the time to help him so, why not?”

And there you have it! Time provides you with the energy to focus on goodness. My friend is retired and has a lot of time. However, most of us are working and filling our days with more than is humanly possible to achieve. The stress that comes from imbalance leaves no room for compassion and love. They become something that we “should” do, but now require too much thought and work. In turn, calm and patience is replaced by anxiety and hurried politeness. It is fake kindness, and its aura is unimpressionable. Its mandate is simply to socially please someone in passing.

Pleasing someone, like your parents, your boss, your husband or a stranger is an entirely different thing than being genuinely kind to someone. There is motive behind pleasing someone. Whether it is recognition, money, or love, it is usually driven by the need to receive approval upon meeting someone else’s expectation. There is no premeditation or need to receive involved in authentic kindness; it just flows from your being. Slowing down my life has enabled me to be kinder naturally; moving at a fast pace forced me think about being kind as I had no time to allow it to occur on its own.

Sometimes I find myself smiling without realizing when it began. I listen to music, and feel the mood it creates. I listen to the words, and dance more. I sit in conversation longer, and look at my watch less often. I don’t work as much and I read more books. I make less money than I ever have, and buy fewer things. I eat slower and really taste the food. When I take a walk, I look around and really see what surrounds me. When I meet people, I am kinder and more considerate without even thinking about it. It naturally creates simultaneous, rejuvenation and calm. It feels good, and that is what kindness is all about.

Maternal Warrior

Yesterday, I promised my daughter that we would get to the bottom of her ill health. She has been ill for 6 weeks, since the beginning of December. She feels better some days, but very poorly on others. She sleeps 18 to 20 hours a day, has a continuous sore throat, swollen glands, sore stomach and low grade fever in the evenings. Her appetite is fairly good however she randomly becomes nauseous and vomits. She is very weak and exhausted. It was thought that she had mono, but the blood work came back negative 2 weeks ago. We have been at the hospital several times and to her GP and clinics as well; they feel that it must be a “mono-like” virus that she is fighting. More blood work was done at the hospital yesterday looking again at mono, her thyroid, haemoglobin, electrolytes etc. and we are waiting for the results. Until now, she has been trying to go to school on her “better” days when she feels half decent, and do as much school work at home. However, she has now been instructed to stay home and just rest, so that is what she is doing.

When we arrived at the hospital I felt optimistic that, after so many visits to various doctors and medical facilities, this was going to be the day that someone would tell my daughter what was wrong with her. They would re-assure her and give her a diagnosis and strategy to get well. I was there as her advocate to ensure that she would receive a detailed check up and accurate medical assessment. My maternal warrior was leading the way and nothing was going to stop me.........

The resident had been in and had spent 20 minutes with my daughter. She was a kind and compassionate woman. She asked her detailed questions, joked around with her, examined her physically and took the time to develop a trust in her patient. She then indicated that she needed to discuss her notes with the doctor who would then come in to see us. 15 minutes later, she did just that. She looked at me as she walked by, pointed her finger in my direction and asked, “Are you the mother”? “Yes”, I answered. She ignored me and stood in front of my daughter who sat on the bed. I could immediately read my daughter’s expression; fear and intimidation was written all over her pale, tired face. “You know that you are under weight, don’t you”? These were the first words she directed at my baby girl. Her tone was accusatory and mean. My daughter looked at me, and I sat up and gave her a look that communicated “stand up for yourself”. She turned her head back to the doctor, and said, “I’ve always been thin and I eat a lot”. Good girl, I thought, be brave; my energy was moving across the room to her. “What do you eat in a day”? My daughter took a deep breath in and began to rhyme off the list of breakfast, snack, lunch, and dinner items she might eat in any given day. She has had to do this before, and it has become more of a defensive tactic than anything else. The doctor wheeled around, and, in a voice that resembled a drill sergeant, told me that my daughter should eat more. Bad move. The maternal warrior crept up from the depths of my soul. Defence mode was engaged. I took a deep breath and held on to a firm, yet, diplomatic strategy. I told her that I appreciated the fact that she might be worried that my daughter is under weight, but that she has always been thin, and she does eat well and healthily. I indicated that some people are just naturally thin, and she didn’t need to worry about that, but to instead, focus on my daughter’s symptoms and possible illness. She turned back to her patient and did just that. I let my breath out and sat back in the chair. My daughter smiled.



The “maternal warrior” appears on the day that our first born arrives into the universe. We must NEVER allow anyone to dis-empower this warrior woman because she knows best!! She does not base her reasoning on scientific facts or have any concrete data to defend her stance; her intuition is all that guides her, and no one should stop her. She is the best advocate for her children, and God help anyone who gets in her way!!! When we are in this mode, we should never take on any misplaced guilt as it is our job as mothers to fight for our children’s emotional and physical well being. There have been those who have allowed themselves to be intimidated into squashing their warrior instincts, but they need to know that they MUST stand tall and fight for what they know is true.  They must also teach their daughters to fight for what their intuition tells them is right.  The intuition of the maternal warrior does know best; period.



Girlfriend Therapy

I sit at my art table putting the finishing touches on the Valentines cards that I started last night. As I look at the 3 empty chairs at the table, I envision my friends as they worked alongside me creating, and I hear their voices as we discussed everything from love, relationships, children and careers. In no time we move into topics that really matter, like what is really important to us. Each one has had a difficult 2010, and we are optimistic that we have left it behind while bringing what we have learned into the New Year and a fresh start. We are all focused on our true authentic selves, and although each one of us expresses this in a different way, the message is ultimately the same.

We know that evolution includes taking all of our misfortunes and transforming them into lessons learned and, then self transformation. However, the task is sometimes easier said than done. Self confidence is a funny little thing as our mind seems to control the meter by which it either dominates or becomes submissive. A lot of the time, we allow other people and their actions to influence how we feel or how we behave. Often, past patterns creep in and influence how we think about ourselves and others. Logically, we know that what we sometimes think makes no sense at all. And yet, our perception slants reality, and we become unsure of what we are really, so very, capable of.

Spending an evening together with girlfriends is the best thing that you can do if you need a confidence boost. The ultimate environment for true admissions and honesty; loving, feedback is created while simply sitting around creating and chatting. Focusing on your hands, while sharing your thoughts, creates a unique balance that is both calming and enlightening. By the end of the evening you feel so empowered by the support of your BBFs, you are thinking about your next “session” while backing out of the driveway to go home.



Last night was Alison’s 48th birthday, and we celebrated by making love cards, decorating cupcakes and painting each other’s toes. It was the equivalent of 10 year olds pyjama party, and it was fun, fun, fun. I stayed in my cupcake pyjamas today, drank tea and finished my cards. As I finished up, I realized that taking the time to enjoy the company of my girlfriends is the best therapy that money does not buy.

p.s. miss you Jane and Jocelyn ~ you were meant to be here!!!!





Aging Gracefully

I am an advocate for women so, when I hear people remark how much a female acquaintance of theirs has “aged” or has “let herself go” I feel the hairs on the back of my head tingle with annoyance. We often make comments about other’s appearance due to the pressure that surrounds us for aesthetic perfection. I, for one, will admit to succumbing to skin treatments, hair colouring and many dollars spent on makeup and skin products. I also do my best to eat well and exercise when I am able and have the time in order to maintain the best body and health that I possibly can. However, this is not always an easy feat to accomplish for any of us.

Physical restrictions, time limitations, and our nurturing selves de-prioritize the focus of our health to other avenues. Our bodies do not always want to accommodate what our minds would like us to accomplish. Our jobs restrict the amount of time we have available in order to prepare a healthy meal or spend any time at the gym. Our families are a huge magnet for our attention, and our guilt quickly moves them to the forefront of our own needs or desires.

I have learned to de-program myself from seeing an individual’s physical self before their true self on the inside. Of course, I am attracted to physical beauty for that is something that is instinctual in all beings. However, I now place much more value on someone’s character than I ever have before. As a result, I find people much more interesting and, I find I am much more interested in people. I seem to go out of my way to meet and learn about strangers I meet in line ups or in other social settings.

Now, let’s go back to the ladies who are receiving the criticism because they don’t happen to be aging gracefully. I can guarantee that these women are working more than full time, are raising a family, and have taken on way too much in regards to maintaining a home and organizing their children’s activities and all that goes along with that. They have adapted the mindset that this is the norm, and so if they don’t adhere to societal peer pressure, they are not “good” mothers. They sacrifice their own physical and emotional health to provide a ridiculous standard of “stuff” to their children.

So, when I see a mother in a coffee shop, sitting down with a cup of coffee, gently rocking a stroller in hopes of receiving 15 minutes of peace and nothingness, I applaud her choice to sit and relax and decompress. This is a smart woman, for these few moments of calm is her way of showing compassion to her mind and body. She is not obsessed with the extra 10 pounds she may be carrying or the need to redecorate the 3000 square foot home she really doesn’t need. She hasn’t had time to put makeup on and she doesn’t care. She is wearing the clothes that she found on the chair from the night before. Those few minutes of solitude and nothingness are far more important to her than her need to hide her fine lines or show off the latest fashion trend.

The baby falls asleep and mom pulls out a book in hopes of reading a chapter.

Namaste

Today, after a neck injury and 6 months of nursing it back to health, I finally had the courage to attempt a return to my yoga practice. I have to admit that I could have tried this a month ago, but Christmas prep and festivities kept me from making this a priority. I also had a mental block that kept me thinking that I might hurt myself should I move the wrong way or just a little too far.

Well, today I unrolled the mat, threw in my DVD, took a deep breath and followed each move with ease and a bit of trepidation. Thankfully, each forward bend and down dog became easier as each minute past, and I found myself absorbed in the gentle movement through the Vinyasa flow. My body loosened up and I closed my eyes to completely surrender to each pose and its transition to the next.

Once complete, I lay down to allow my body the luxury of Savasana. This allows the body the opportunity to release any remaining stress or tension. Five or ten minutes of Savasana enables me to bring my mind to a calm state to prepare for the rest of my day.

I slowly brought my body back to Sukhasana, or the crossed legged pose, closed my eyes again and reflected on my practice. Before standing I place my hands together by my heart, bow forward and repeat the phrase “Namaste” after the instructor Rodney Yee.

While echoing this word, I find peace in its meaning which “allows the Goddess Spirit within me to recognize and honour the Goddess Spirit within you”. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, “Namaste” literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you”. Namaste is one of a small list of Sanskrit words commonly recognized by Non-Hindi speakers.

After 45 minutes, I am rejuvenated and at peace.

Namaste.

Opening Doors

I have become fascinated by the various responses presented by the mere act of opening a door. It could be me opening the door for someone else, or it could be someone opening the door for me. Either way, there are a number of reactions from both sides that are incredibly interesting.

I have what my children define as “old school” manners. When someone older than me approaches a door and I am standing close by or in front of them, I automatically open the door and gesture for them to go through while I hold it for them. It doesn’t matter if the elderly person is male or female; this is what I have been taught is the proper thing to do. It feels right. It can also feel great because the response is sometimes that of pleasant surprise. Sometimes the recipient of the door opening gesture can’t believe that it is happening. Because I have taught my children to do the same as an act of kindness and respect, they have also received the surprised, yet pleased, response. The measure of surprise is sometimes elevated when they open the door for someone because it doesn’t seem to be the norm for someone their age to think of such a thing.

Sometimes I open the door for someone within my own peer group. This is interesting because it is completely unexpected. I always receive an enthusiastic “thank you” if it is a woman. If it is a man that I choose to open the door for, he usually becomes hesitant to move through the door ahead of me and insists that I go before him. Chivalry is not dead.

I love it when a gentleman opens the door for me. I’m not always sure if he does it because he wants to, or because he feels he should, but it feels nice. Older men seem to be more comfortable and natural holding the door open for women, while some younger men send the vibe of an “expected” act. When a teenager or younger person opens the door for me, I am thankful that there is hope for their generation. Not because I think they are all rude or self centred, but because I think that some of them are possibly heading in that direction, and it saddens me. I wonder if they will ever experience the feeling of opening the door for someone, and the gratitude of a smile that comes with it. I have experienced times when I was heading toward a door and someone came barrelling from behind or beside me to get to the door. They were not rushing to open it for me, but rather, to get to and through it before me. 9 times out of 10 it was a teenager. I don’t think they do it maliciously or with ill intent. I don’t even think they are thinking about what they are doing, other than that they need to get through the door. And therein lies the dilema...........

Perhaps we can all make a difference by teaching our children to stop and open the door for someone. From this small gesture, and the fabulous energy that will come back to them, maybe other acts of kindness will emerge. It could all start with a simple pulling of a handle, a nod of a head and a smile.

Food Without Guilt

I just finished reading an interesting book entitled, “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth. The author’s philosophy of food and the obsession thereof is not just about an over or under eating compulsion, but that there is an emotional link to why we engage in these activities. This has long been researched and proven, but never have I understood this theory as clearly as while reading Ms. Roth’s book. She very simply communicates that in order to maintain healthy eating habits, we merely need to eat when we are hungry and choose to eat what it is we want, rather than bring past emotions into the experience. If we choose items simply for their food value and eat only the amount our bodies require, and for no other reason, we will not need to deal with dysfunctional eating. Easier said than done? She believes so, as long as you have figured out and dealt with the food demons of your past.

Let’s use me as an example. I have never experienced any physical health related issues associated with my eating habits, other than being 30 pounds overweight for a period of time after the birth of my second child. However, I am very conscious of what I eat, and I go to great lengths to find and eat “whole” foods free of added preservatives and artificial “anything”. I really don’t have any cravings any more, but I still fall into the pattern of being drawn to a late night snack even though I am not hungry.

The time of my snacking is always when everyone in the house is settled into their comfy evening positions. I usually find a room in the house by myself to watch a television show; I am partial to crime shows such as Criminal Minds and Law and Order. The food that I am drawn to at that time of day is usually of the “crackers and cheese” variety and a glass of wine. The difference between this particular variety of snack and any other I have during the day is only the fact that I bring the emotion of guilt with it. Not because the choice is necessarily unhealthy, but.................why?

So, while I was reading through the pages explaining the correlation between unnecessary eating and emotions, I began the journey back in time to examine whether or not it had any impact on my evening walks into the kitchen and, in particular, the guilt affiliated with that particular snack of choice. I needed to read all the way through to the very last chapter before I figured it out.

Food and my past; huge!!! When I was a child food was always presented to me with conditions. All meals were scheduled and on time. Everyone needed to be at the table and we needed to eat what and all that was presented to us on the plate. If you ate everything on your plate, you were entitled to dessert. If you did a good job eating Monday to Friday, you received a “treat” on Friday night while watching "Mannix" (thus the paralel to crime shows now) that consisted of your favourite salty snack (chips, cheezies or pretzels) and coke; all in equally measured bowls and glasses. If you did a good job grocery shopping on Saturday morning, you received 25 cents to spend on “treats”. Cakes, cookies and other baked goods were saved for special days like Sundays if you behaved in church, or on birthdays.

It has taken me a long time to pinpoint the correlation of having to “earn” my food and “good” behaviour. However, yesterday while reading the summary in “Women, Food and God”, I realized that my feelings of guilt and food at the age of 50 come from the childhood pattern of having to feel deserving of a bowl of pretzels.  Eating a bowl of salty crackers and a glass of a nice Sauvignon Blanc while I decompress after a day of pleasing everyone around me, somehow doesn't measure up. Not feeling deserving comes, subconsciously, from a little voice that tells me that I haven’t “earned” the reward when I didn’t get dinner on the table by five, and it is not always the best example of a well balanced meal. I haven’t fulfilled my end of the bargain as I rarely finish everything on my plate, and often don’t even have an appetite. I break all the rules by never waiting until Friday night for my secret reward as I indulge almost every night. I certainly don’t deserve the trip to the bakery as I gave up on going to church long ago.

I am so thankful that I have figured out why I have spent so many evenings with that devalued sense of having done something wrong after enjoying a snack. I am grateful because now that I understand the feeling and where it comes from, I realize how absurdly unkind this whole paradigm is!! To actually spend energy worrying about eating a bowl of pita chips and some amazing Swiss is not logical and is certainly not self respectful behaviou.  Bargaining for food is not happening in my house by or to anyone.

And so, my friends, eat well without worrying about why, keep moving and enjoy every moment of every bite and every step. If you love yourself, you will eat what and how much you need without thinking about it, and you will never feel bad about your choices.  Remember to taste each swallow and enjoy all that you see in front of you.

Loss and its Message

I spent some extra time this morning on my “blogging” ritual as I was intrigued by a post by Claudette Copeland at www.a-bird-in-the-hand.blogspot.com It is a very snowy day here today, and when I woke up and pulled the curtains open, the vision screamed, “sitting at my little corner desk to write”!!!

My day always starts with a coffee, breakfast and the morning paper. From there I wait until everyone is out of the house and I then retreat to my computer for my blogging session and subsequent writing. I usually have my writing topic already in place by the time I sit down in front of the blank Microsoft Word screen, but today my mind was equally blank. And then I clicked onto Claudette’s post for today. She writes of the loss of a friend and the regret that no one noticed or acted upon the signs, for there are always those signs that become ever so clear once our dear ones are gone. Seeing her thoughts on the page quickly brought me back to a November evening 16 years ago.

It was just after dinner and, I was starting to walk up the stairs with my 8 month old daughter in my arms when the phone rang. My husband answered, and his tone wreaked o f sadness, of something bleak, and I knew. I knew, but I needed to hear it. I couldn’t make out what he was saying as he walked away from me toward the back of the house. I descended the stairs and walked toward him just as he was returning to the hall where I was. He told me she was gone, and my heart sank. He took the baby and I walked into the living room and sat down. I was not shocked by the news, but the sadness was overwhelming. The guilt moved through me with such force that I was unable to handle its powerful grasp. The signs had been there for a long time but, it had never been discussed.

Since then, I have learned that from such sad destinies we can only take and absorb the important messages. We cannot save everyone from the sadness that they absorb, but we can certainly make choices to listen and act upon our, ever so refined, intuitiveness. Being afraid or too busy to step forward is a symptom of a very inhumane society. To feel guilt or remorse for a minute or two is effective if we then manifest those emotions into what is kind and loving. A listening ear and small amount of time makes all the difference.

I know this because my friend was this person. She was a kind and giving individual who thought of others instead of herself perhaps too much. She often spoke of guilt as a waste of time, and encouraged everyone she met to “seize the day”. She always lived as though the end was near. Her voice was loud and clear, and yet we chose not to hear it. I am sure that Claudette’s neighbour sent out many signs that were read yet, pushed aside. I am also sure that her death will change the way anyone who knew her will react to such messages in the future. This is how we evolve and grow. This was her final message. Listen to it and move forward.

Demons and Reality

There is that reaction that you have when someone says or does that certain something, and your interpretation of their actions sends you into complete combative defensive mode. I don’t need to give you an example because you know the situation that applies to you. It is different for everyone because everyone’s past is unique. It is a reflection of years gone by; a programmed response to the way you were treated as a child, a sister, a friend, a wife that has created the individual protective reaction you automatically display.

You wish you could control that reaction, but it is immediate and before you know it, it’s out there. You wish you understood why you do this every time. It is uncomfortable, and you know that it is not an effective way to deal with the situation. You have told yourself you won’t do it again, but you do. You blame it on the person instigating the confrontation because it’s the only way you can justify what has just happened. You don’t understand how you get there, or how to back out of it once started so, it has to be someone else’s fault. You can’t change your reaction because you don’t understand why you do it in the first place.

It’s because you are drawn to these situations. They are familiar and, although dysfunctional, they are comfortable because they are what you know. It is like being abused. The victim knows it’s not alright, and she doesn’t deserve it, yet she stays. She has every right to leave, but she doesn’t because it is her comfort zone. Giving someone else the power is what she has lived her whole life; it is her reality.

I talked to someone who sabotages herself every time she begins to move forward into a project that she is passionate about. She progresses toward success, and then she hears this crazy chatter in the back of her head that tells her that she is not worthy of accomplishing what she initially believed she could do. Everything is ceased and she abandons the project, blaming it on someone or something else.

This is real to her. She believes in the chatter and acts upon it. It is the product of years of her parents’ verbal and non verbal communication stamping her down in her tracks. She has never been able to stop or explain the feelings of unworthiness because they are normal to her. It’s a pattern, one that she couldn’t stop because it didn’t make any sense to stop it.

She now knows that she is worthy, and smart, and capable, and amazing. Years of therapy, a loving husband, a friend taking the time to understand and listen to her, and her desire to feel whole have given her new expectations, confidence and dreams. She now understands the demons lurking in her head are not real. She knows that the things they tell her are just thoughts and words, and nothing more. They may never go away, but she now recognizes they are not real. She has the ability to disempower them by not believing in them. She is now in control by either making them dance or letting them die. She has chosen to stamp them down in their tracks. This is the beauty of loving yourself.

Gifts and Getting It

I was eavesdropping today. It felt wrong, but I was so intrigued by the conversation beside me that I couldn’t resist. Three men sitting in front of the fireplace at the coffee shop were enjoying some time away from their daily routine, and they were trying to solve a problem. They reminded me of a younger, Canadian version of the Italian men you traditionally see in the movies sitting at a table at an outdoor cafe.

They started off discussing hockey, work and the weather. When I was just deciding that listening to them was becoming boring, the conversation turned to more than who won the game, the obnoxious co-worker and the amazing temperature outside. One of them divulged the fact that his wife wanted him to buy them tickets to a concert of her choice for their wedding anniversary. He was clearly annoyed by the suggestion, and was pleased when his friends agreed with his displeasure.

His two buddies responded with sighs of disgust, and one verbally indicated how wrong it was that she would even think of asking for something that her husband would not enjoy. All three agreed with this conclusion, and you could feel the air lift as the “anniversary” guy had received the support of his friends. I smiled to myself, and was then suddenly jolted out of my own little world when “verbal” guy leaned toward me and said, “excuse me”. I looked up and realized he was speaking to me. “Ah, yes”, I said, trying to act like I had not been following their conversation. “What do you think is a good anniversary present?” Oh, God, he was asking me........ I was impressed with myself as I asked, “for you or for your wife?” alluding that I didn’t know what he was talking about. He told me that it was for his friend’s wife and he looked in his direction. I thought for a moment, and then responded, “well, I don’t know her, but my husband just gave me a necklace that he picked out for our anniversary.” I indicated that it was a complete surprise, and they looked at each other unsure of how to process the amount of energy and time emulating my husband's behaviour would entail.

They ignored my comments and told me the “concert” story that I already knew.  They asked me if he should give her the tickets that she had asked for. It was a difficult question................ Should he forget about making himself happy and give her something she wanted? Should he come up with his own gift idea, and would she appreciate his initiative? Should he make a point of letting her know that he disapproved of what he thought was a selfish attitude, or just let it go?  Did he really want to take the time to think of a gift for her himself?

I couldn’t answer the gift choice question decisively. However, it made me think how insignificant all of this really was. The husband seemed annoyed by the fact that he might have to spend four hours at a concert doing something for his wife that he wasn't interested in.  The wife was obsessed with receiving the "perfect"gift, even if she knew he wouldn't enjoy it, rather than appreciating the fact that he was taking the time to get her one.

Neither one in this marriage really “got it”, and I knew that it would be useless to try to explain this concept to the men sitting next to me. I looked at the husband with the gift giving dilemma and, hopeful to initiate some inspiration, suggested that he give his wife something he thought would make her happy, and at the same time, something he felt he could live with. He looked at me and then turned to his friends; laughing, he said, “I think I’ll buy us some Sen’s tickets”.

I sat back quietly to finish my latte.

For My Friend Angie

Ah, resolution time! The first day of the New Year is racked with the age old tradition of committing to an activity that will create a much "better" you. I read the morning paper and turned the T.V. on only to read and hear about the compulsive obsession of this phenomenon.

I think about all the things that I could change about myself, and the list contains a multitude of items that would, apparently, make me this better person. Instead I choose to maintain and build on a path that I took years ago. It is more of a philosophy than a tangible, visible shift, and it carries beauty in its simplicity.

It is all that is kind; kindness in its truest form. Kindness far beyond holding a door open for a stranger or sending flowers to an ailing friend. It is the kindness that begins with you, and over time, eventually, transfers on to others. It is a simple concept and yet, difficult to initiate as it requires a thought process so different from the socialized norm of directing kindness only to others that it initially instigates feeling of guilt and selfishness. Your first endeavour towards self-kindness creates alienation from traditional love as your focus is on only you. It requires loving everything about you, especially that which inhabits your soul.

A reminder, that being kind to yourself does not require the tunnel vision of only fulfilling your own needs. It is not a justification of self centred behaviour, but instead is the first step toward loving others fully and sincerely. In order to experience genuine giving, you must be able to provide yourself with the same respect, and feel 100% deserving of such expressions of love. You cannot authentically provide the gift of compassion if you do not believe you are worthy to receive the same.

The phrase “love yourself” is thrown around and used haphazardly in an attempt to justify treating ourselves to “things”. This phrase does not refer to looking in the mirror and convincing yourself that you love what you see. It is not about how you look in your newest outfit, the way your hair falls just right or how well your house is put together. It does not involve someone else’s perception of you or their acceptance of your physical appearance or possessions.

Loving yourself does not just happen by repeating it to yourself 50 times. Loving yourself involves accepting how you feel, think and act. It is about accepting who you were when you entered this universe and going back to the untouched, uninfluenced "loved just the way you were" child.  Loving yourself is about not allowing others opinions or perceptions of you alter your true character. Loving yourself is about realizing that what others think of you, good or bad, is a perception or a thought and is not reality unless you agree with it. Loving yourself is about recognizing that what you think of yourself is real as long as you are following your heart and are being truthful with yourself.

Once you have achieved loving yourself (your real authentic self), you will treat yourself with respect and kindness. You will start to genuinely love others; really love others. You will not judge yourself or others for what they wear, how they act, what they say, or question why they are the way they are. Your perceptions will change and you will become a more peaceful, accepting and balanced individual. Nothing else will matter and all will fall into place.

It all begins with one simple resolution; loving yourself.