Dogs vs. Puppies

Yesterday, as I walked along the icy sidewalk, I was cautious in choosing where I placed each step. My arthritis seems to have made me less sure about my stability, and I find that my balance is a bit off on the ice. I manage to skate a bit rather than fall as I take a little slide with one of my steps. My 10 year old Brittany spaniel copies me but, his finale lands him on his belly. He quickly jumps back on all fours and looks up at me wondering what just happened. “Its o.k.,” I reassure him, “we’re not as steady as we used to be, eh Jakey”? He picks his pace back up, and I follow along, thankful he has slowed down the last year or so.

I have heard that a person’s pet begins to look and act like his master or mistress, or vice versa. I wonder if that is the case with Jake and me. I watch him as he sniffs and stops to pee. I start to think about how much he and I have grown older together. We both have arthritis and the stairs are our foe. I empathise with him as he follows me around the house. If I go down stairs, I remind him that we have to go back up, but he still barrels down in front of me not understanding what I’ve said. For both of us, it’s the “up” that’s the problem, not the “down.”

I think of similar changes our bodies have undergone as we move into our 5th decade respectively (I am 50 so, my dog is 53 in human years, making us pretty close in age). Our hair is starting to grey; his around his beard giving him a distinguished look as is the case for most men. Mine has been coloured for years so, thankfully, no one will notice. I wonder if I should let it go “aux natural”, and then, wisely, decide against it.

We both move slower which I am grateful for as I wouldn’t have the ability to keep up to his “puppy” pace. When I look into Jake’s eyes I see the tiredness of years of walks and endless play dates with the squirrels in the backyard. I have talked to the vet about his inability to complete the hour long circuit we have been doing since he was a baby. He has indicated that Jake is tired; he will tell you when the walk is done. So, we both take our medication and enjoy the distance we are capable of instead of regretting not being able to do what we used to do.

When I sit on the couch in the evening after a day of work, chores, exercise, writing and fun, he lies beside me and pushes his nose under my arm. It is his way of asking me to pet him, and I start to scratch behind his ears. Eventually rubbing his belly, my hand moves over small bumps under his fur. Also researched, I have discovered that they are another indication of aging much like the calcium deposits that we develop over the years. I look down at him and realize that his belly is slightly bigger than it used to be, and laugh at that similarity as I rest my other hand on mine.

We have both evolved into peaceful souls just happy to be able to enjoy what we have been given. We both wake up refreshed and energetic, feeling like we can accomplish the world in a day. Yet, three hours later, we are both ready for a nap. We cannot hide the aging around our eyes (God knows I have tried), and when I look at his face, he is looking more tired and drawn just like me. My buddy now has the expression of an elderly man who, if he could talk, would tell you stories of long ago.

It is time for me to strap on the boots and my partner’s leash and make the daily trek around the circle. My body is sending me a message as it is becoming stiff and sore. Jake has come in and out of the room several times as I am late and, like me, he relies on a predictable schedule. So, onward and upward as we go on our little journey with the intensions of puppies and the bodies of 10 year old dogs.



The Golf Week

My husband and son left on Sunday for a one week golfing trip. Yes, that’s right, I do “allow” my husband to go away without me, and it is to golf!! Over the course of my 26 year marriage, I have had many women negatively comment about this annual trip. Apparently, no man is worthy of “the golf trip”.

Now, here’s the thing ladies, you really need to think about this. It’s really not as bad as you think. I actually welcome the one week without the “man of the house” being in the house. For some reason, everything just seems more relaxed. We don’t feel inclined to cook meals that include all those %*&#@ food groups. We take the opportunity to not make the bed and leave our dirty clothes on the floor. And we tend to do more of the things that we want to do rather than the things that we feel we should be doing. It’s like we’re the ones having the vacation without even leaving the city.

Here I am at 10:38 p.m. on a Wednesday night lying in bed with a glass of wine and a bowl of homemade bits and bites (Christmas tradition), computer in my lap, posting on my blog. This would normally never happen as my husband would be sleeping soundly, lights out and door closed by now. It feels like I am misbehaving while snuggling in my duvet, thoughts flowing from my finger tips, the luxury of picking any room of the house I want to play in.

I was looking forward to this freedom as I kissed him and my 20 year old boy good bye 3 days ago. This is no secret, and he is grateful that I enjoy his time away as it alleviates any guilt that could easily be inflicted on him. I waved good bye to him and sat down in a chair with a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I took out my day timer and scheduled everything that I had been planning on doing over the course of the next seven days. Most of the activities included being alone, which is a wonderful gift because I have learned to love my alone time.

All was in place. My daughter, who was home with me, but has a social life that doesn’t include me, as well as, a part time job, would rarely be home. She only required me to meet her basic needs like food and shelter, and I had that all covered. And then it happened; the glitch fell upon me. She, the daughter, became ill. Not to worry; she’s fine now. But, yes, on day 3 we ended up in the emergency department at the hospital with severe intestinal pain, vomiting and fainting; poor thing!! After 5 hours she felt better, and we came home. The next day we went to her GP for more tests and reassurance, and lots of “mommy” attention and time. Turns out, she is going to live and she only robbed me of 2 days of my (my husband's) “week”.

Well, maybe more than 2 days as I now have a head and chest flu that has left me bedridden, but luckily, I am cuddling in my duvet and well past my husband’s bed time. And so, “why?” I asked no one in particular. Why was my week taken away from me, or was it taken away? As I lay here writing, I have a moment when I think, “maybe the “powers that be” believed that I needed to unschedule myself and do nothing. Once again, I had to be knocked over the head to receive the message of “nothingness”, and enjoy it.

And so, once I finish posting this, I will turn off the lights and go to sleep. Tomorrow, I will erase all of the items I had planned in my day timer, and I will do whatever happens to come my way. The thought of not having a list is enticing, and yet foreboding; a new way to spend my husband’s golf week, how exciting!!!!!

Embarrassing Moments............to be or not to be........

Have you ever embarrassed someone without realizing it? I recently found out that I have. It’s a strange feeling because I didn’t realize that something I said to someone else in front of this person created an embarrassing moment for her. Our perceptions of what occurred are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I believed that she understood my need to defend myself while in an uncomfortable situation, and she clearly felt that my reaction to this person’s behaviour was inappropriate as she recently made a point of stating so.

I’m o.k. with the difference of opinion however, the comment that I embarrassed her, and the fact that this was communicated in front of an entire room full of people, was in itself slightly embarrassing for me. I didn’t react at the time, instead allowing the conversation to dissipate; it was an inappropriate venue for this discussion. She too, allowed it to dissolve as she walked away after making the comment. Although a passive aggressive move, her message was received, and I have used the last 24 hours to think about what her intent was in sending it, or what  either one of us had to gain from her statement. At first, I took it personally, until I realized that it wasn’t really about me, and there was no positive in her approach.

There are people in our lives who we can trust and who we know will have our back no matter what. We trust them to love us unconditionally and to communicate with us with respect and love. If we have a difference of opinion, we discuss the situation in private and with dignity rather than holding it inside and blurting it out in a hurtful manner. As we get older, we gain experience and, thus, more mature behaviour. We learn that relationships, knowing and understanding the people in our lives, and taking the time to do so, are much more important than investing in what strangers may think of us.

Sometimes, sleeping on a comment or a behaviour is the best thing you can do. You realize that your time is better spent being true to yourself rather than worrying and reacting about how others perceive you to be. Let’s face it, if someone doesn’t invest in the energy required to understand you, your energy is equally better spent elsewhere; it’s called being deserving.

Christmas Eve

Tonight, I spent 5 hours with a woman who was experiencing her first Christmas without the love of her life of 59 years. My mother in law lost her husband this past May, and was determined to have her children and grandchildren at her home for Christmas Eve, as has been the custom for many years. She is 80 years old. I entered the living room, the last to arrive, and felt the loneliness that she was feeling. The void was not easy to see as she was focused on the task at hand, ensuring that everyone was fed and happy. However, the emptiness was evident by her demeanour and her tired, strained expression. We all knew that she did not sleep well last night.

My father in law always began the Christmas celebration by giving each of us an envelope with a cheque in it. He would always accompany his generosity with a statement expressing that he had not intended on following through on this tradition this year, but had changed his mind at the last minute. Fulfilling my father in law's role this year, my mother in law continued this tradition this year, and it was an act difficult to emulate as her heart was filled with loneliness and heartbreak. I am so proud of her ~ for her courage and for her loyalty to her husband's wishes; the money is irrelevant.

I am also deeply touched by the fact that my 80 year old mother in law took the time to go out into the shopping war zone and personally choose a beautiful jacket for me from my favourite store. Words cannot express how touching and thoughtful this was. My daughter recently told me that the best part of Christmas is taking the time to find out what someone wants, what someone really likes, and then watching the expression on their face when they open the gift you have chosen specifically for them. My mother in law did that for me. For that I am eternally touched and grateful!!

Tomorrow, she is coming to share in our family Christmas celebration. Some day, I hope to be a woman with such great integrity as my husband's mother.

I wish you all a Christmas filled with the love of family and friends, and I hope that you all have someone as amazing as my mother in law in your life.

Husbands and Wives Shopping Together............What???????

I read an interesting column today in the Kingston Whig Standard, our local newspaper, entitled “View from a Husband Bench” by Fraser Petrick. Before I go on please take the time to read the article by clicking on to the following link: http://www.thewhig.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2898943

After reading the first paragraph describing his wife telling him to wait for him while she went into a store to shop, I was leery that it was yet another story criticizing women and their “obsession” with shopping. I hung in there, however, and read on. I found myself chuckling to myself as I realized that his description of the husband/wife shopping experience is probably fairly accurate for most couples. Although the message that Mr. Petrick wanted to relay and the epiphany that I received may be at opposite ends of the spectrum, I found myself asking an important question. Why do women ask their male partners or spouses to shop with them? Don’t they know that (in general) men don’t enjoy shopping with us? I’m not saying they don’t like shopping at all, but their method of this art is very different than ours. So, why mix it up and create the frustration the writer is describing.

I discovered this phenomenon early on as a 24 year old young bride. We were on vacation and we stopped at an outlet mall. We only had so much time to spend at the mall, so I decided that I would scope out the stores with the shopping guide that was given at the gate. I would prioritize which stores I would spend time investigating first, and if there was time left over, I would go back and take a quick look at the ones I missed. My husband, on the other hand, had another strategy. He wanted to start at the beginning and work his way down one side of the row of stores and then come back on the other side. I looked at him, assessed his walking speed, which was less than half of mine, and quickly determined that this was never going to work. How did he think we would be able to see everything in such a short period of time? I was irritated that he would even fathom such a plan.

Being recently married, I didn’t want to “rock the boat”, and I thought I should want to shop with my husband so, I agreed to do it his way. “You need to relax and enjoy the experience”, he told me. I made it to the fourth store, turned to him, and explained that I couldn’t do it. I was itching to get moving. I was an expert shopper. The “browsing” pace was killing me. There was so much out there yet to be seen. I couldn’t deny it; I did not want to shop with him!! He laughed and told me to go ahead, and to meet him at the “starting gate” in two hours. Away I went.

In conclusion, ladies, don’t make your husband shop with you. Admit it, he really doesn’t want to, and you don’t really enjoy his company during a shopping expedition. Let him do his shopping on his own, and give him a specific list of what you want so, he doesn’t have to guess. Everyone will be much happier and you will have way more time to do the things that you want to do..........like shopping. How great would that be?!?!

The New "Normal"

Tonight, after dinner my son asked me three times what we might have for food. Three times I explained to him that there was a fully stocked fridge, and he was welcome to go choose anything he liked. I said it nicely, but he knew I wasn’t kidding. He is well aware of the fact that after dinner I remove my chef’s hat and retire to doing whatever it is that I happen to want to do. I do not make breakfast or lunch for anyone, but me, and I absolve myself from the creation of all snacks but my own.

This is one of my new “normals”. I started this trend about a year ago when I found myself cooking and cleaning the kitchen up, what seemed like, all day long. There were so many things that I “wanted” to do, but they were always pushed aside due to household chores and tedious time fillers. For years, I had spoken about writing and how I “just didn’t have the time”. Then one day, as I was making sandwiches for lunches, I looked up and noticed that everyone else in my family was doing fun, non-chore related activities. They were all engaged in things that they had chosen to do; relaxing things that relieved their stress and brought them pleasure. I was running around trying to figure out how to fit 30 things into a day that could really only fit 25, and none of them were things I “wanted” to do, but rather things that “needed” to be done for everyone in my family. I realized that this was probably the norm for most mothers all around the world.

It was then that I decided to create a new “normal”. It wasn’t necessarily because I recognized the unfairness of the inequity of work load amongst my family members (although there was that); it was more the realization that I too deserve the choice to do things that bring me joy. As I sliced through the third turkey and mustard sandwich, it occurred to me that I should be reading a book or writing a column while someone else prepares their own lunch.

And thus, one of the new “normals” in my life is that I only prepare dinner in my house; before and after that, you are on your own. Since then, I have created many more new “sub-normals”, which have ultimately, given me a whole new “normal” life. The key to the success of this new existence is the absence of guilt. Developing and communicating a life filled with a balance of “should do’s” and “want to do’s” is actually quite easy. The choice to implement this new "normal", guilt-free, is the key to its success and your happiness.

With the New Year fast approaching and all of those generic resolutions floating around, take the time to look at your life and find the joy. If it is minimal or lacking, create a new “normal” for yourself. Realize that this will most likely have a great impact on anyone living in your house. Communicating your needs and your new discovery will be paramount for the success of your new “normal”. Remember to push the guilt aside; it is a useless emotion that is yours to carry with you or not.  If you choose to take it along, it will eventually suck the life right out of you.

Let's Talk.............

I was talking to a friend today through facebook and she started to tell me how she was “feeling”. Suddenly, she expressed that she didn’t understand why she was telling me the things she was. It felt like an apology, and it occurred to me that women need to feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts, emotions and what makes them feel angry. So many of us think that we are the only ones feeling the way we are. If we walked out our front door and sat in our neighbour’s kitchen, we would find a woman feeling the same way we are. Every woman goes through the same epiphanies that you are going through.

At a certain time in our lives, anywhere between 40 and 50, we all start to realize that we are way more important than we ever thought we were. We realize that our personal value far exceeds our parenting skills, our career accolades or our wifely duties. We recognize that our own personal self is enough all on its own.

The problem is that we think that we are the only woman in the world feeling like this. Suddenly, we find ourselves, reluctantly, revealing an epiphany and another woman responds with consolation and understanding. We are surprised and relieved at the same time. This is what women do and what all women need to take advantage of. We need to confide in each other and talk. When we do, we realize that we all feel the same, and we can learn and benefit from sharing with each other.

So, don’t be afraid to talk to other women. Someone needs to make a move and share their feelings and inner thoughts. Why don’t you be the one to start a new trend?

The Bird Leaving the Nest

Yesterday, my 16 year old daughter achieved a very important award; her driver’s licence. She has been working toward this achievement for 9 months. I am proud of her simply because she is so very proud of herself. Her joy is breathtaking and contagious.  I know that the accomplishment itself is not the most important award for her. What is, however, is the fact that she has earned independence and a sense of adulthood.  That is her most cherished trophy.

We went out for dinner last night to celebrate her advancement into the world of traffic and speed bumps (our city is full of them), and she couldn’t stop smiling through her spaghetti and meatballs. She was the first to finish her meal, and I’m not sure that she tasted any of it. She had already requested the use of my vehicle for the evening should she pass the 10 minute test (yes, only 10 minutes), and I had agreed under the condition that she knew and agreed to all the rules her father and I had communicated to her in regards driving without one of us. She was off to visit her boyfriend and then to a basketball game with her girlfriend. At the time, I felt very confident that she was an excellent and responsible driver. I didn’t hesitate as I was feeding off of her excitement and positive energy.

That was last night. Now it is tonight, and she has taken the car to work; dark, black ice and no mother to guide her........ I have let my mind wander and have allowed every horrible vision of terrifying scenarios that could possibly happen to my little girl swirl around in my head. I am desperately trying to push them aside knowing that I need to allow her to grow up and experience her independence and prove her competence; I need to have faith in her and the universe. This is her rite of passage; something she has earned and deserves. Why do I have that creepy feeling in my stomach; the one that I tell people is the “icky feeling”, or your intuition? Is it intuition or is it just a mother’s over protective side gone out of control?

I need to believe that I am over reacting, and that everything will be alright or I will never make it through the winter!!!!! Thank goodness I have my blog to write down my thoughts and work through this state of anguish. Suddenly, it all sounds quite simple now.  This is not something I can control. My youngest bird has just flown from the nest................I bid you adieu.. .....fly with confidence and grace little one!

Oh ya, and please don’t go too fast over those speed bumps, they’ll take the bottom out of the Subaru!!!!!!

Deal Breakers

We all have deal breakers. Each one of us has a different deal breaker for individual people in our lives. There’s one for our spouse, one for our kids, one for each of our extended family members and one for our friends. Some even have a deal breaker for their pet. Not all of us are aware of own personal deal breakers until we are confronted with the actual deal breaker itself. At that time, it hits us like a ton of bricks because it was so unexpected. Some of us know exactly what our deal breakers are, and implement the consequence immediately without any moment’s hesitation or increment of guilt. And then are those who, knowing deep down that the deal breaker has been executed, ignore it and pretend it never happened. Why is that?


Most likely it is fear. Fear of losing the person who has crossed the line. Fear that confronting the "deal breakee" will escalate into a confrontation and thus, the need to follow through on the consequence. Fear of loss, of rejection, of being alone. But wouldn’t living alone be better than living with “the deal breakee”?

Including a “deal breakee” in your life means that your whole world revolves around that person. S/he is breaking the deal, and you have given away your empowerment. You lose everything and s/he gains more than abundance itself. You know that you have relinquished yourself because you made a choice to allow that person to take control. Control is not empowerment, it is power, and it is one sided. One sided power has no place in any relationship. It creates imbalance and it is up to you to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker.............

On Turning 50 and other Epiphanies

We celebrated my friend’s birthday last night, and a beautiful celebration it was!! She is turning the infamous 50 this month, and is finally catching up to me three months after I entered, what I have been told will be, the best decade of my life. The 50’s will be great; I will grow and I will become my most authentic possible self. I am feeling gradual evolution, and am hoping it will continue since my 40’s were not so hot!!

The evening was well planned as we wanted it to be a surprise for our honoured birthday girl. We had a pre-planning meeting (leaving her oblivious, of course) and worked out all the details. The first item on the agenda was how to keep it a surprise. We decided to plan a “Secret Santa” exchange outing, and then spring the birthday agenda on her once we arrived at one of her favourite hot spots, Tango. Surprisingly, settled on a date and, also surprisingly, she was available. Our planning began with a small set of rules:

1. We were going out in “Sex and the City” style, so we needed to dress the part.

2. No heavy eating that day as we would be making 3 stops, all involving an abundance of food.

3. We each picked a name for the gift exchange (chuckle, chuckle) and agreed on a monetary amount, which no one adhered to, so that worked out.

4. We would be taking a cab there and back to avoid any drinking and driving charges or mishaps.

Our evening began with one of my friend’s daughter volunteering to be our chauffeur. This was taken with gratitude because none of us were ready on time as we dealt with feeding families, kid’s hockey games, getting dressed and sparkly, as well as, wet finger nails. None of us were walking very fast as we decided to wear the highest heels we could find; I brought a back up pair because I am a realist and knew that no amount of alcohol would numb the pain in my feet those stilettos were going to inflict on me.

Astoundingly, we made it to our first destination on time. It was en route that we crowned our birthday queen with a tiara and pink and black feather boa. She was shocked, yet ever so ready for the forthcoming festivities, of which we kept a secret. Our car conversation will not be shared in detail, but I will let you know that there was much discussion on turning 50 and the aging experience. We were being positive while still acknowledging the individual concerns we each have regarding growing older. We talked about the past decade and how none of us would ever want to go back to it for a number of personal reasons. We were all determined to make the future our own and simply be happy, but we were moving with trepidation.

After appetizers and drinks at Tango, we informed our honouree that we needed to move on to the next destination. It was close by so we walked and stood on the corner talking and laughing, waiting for a light to change. Needless to say, we were quite loud. At one point, l looked up and saw an elderly couple, easily in their 80’s, watching us intently. It looked like they might be annoyed by our boisterous manner, much like we are when we see unruly teens being drunk and disorderly. They kept staring, and I felt inclined to apologise for disturbing their night out. I walked over to them and told them that “I was sorry for our loudness but, my friend just turned 50.” The woman looked up at me, smiled widely, and said, “Oh, don’t worry about that; you young people go and have fun!”

What a revelation; “you young people”!!! Here we had spent time discussing and analysing the perils of aging and, specifically, turning 50, and there was a woman who actually viewed us as being “young”. When I woke the next morning and lay there reflecting on the previous evening’s events, I remembered this amazing woman and how she brought everything in perspective for me. It was a true epiphany as I then decided that I would never waste another moment worrying about “being old” or “getting old”. From now on, my only focus will be on enjoying every minute of every day with everyone I meet and know. Please join me in not spending any more time dreaming of being younger; instead let's all relish in the joys of experiencing getting older.  Dare ya..................

The Cluster

Some fabulous conversation could be overheard at the local Starbucks this morning as strangers sat in, what we call, “the cluster”. It’s the area surrounding the fireplace where very comfortable easy chairs are strategically placed to encourage relaxation and social interaction. And that it did!!

I walked in filling in time before picking up my daughter for lunch. I grabbed a latte and looked for a spot to sit. The only vacant seat was in the “cluster”, and there was one familiar face sitting at a table close by. Walking over to Walter, I realized that he is a person in my life whom I know, but don’t really know. I only really see him at Starbucks, and we sometimes sit and chat. I suppose he would be categorized as an “acquaintance” in social circles. He is one of the easiest individuals to talk with because his smile, his body language and his speech are all-inviting to everyone he meets. Walter exudes sincerity and kindness. He makes you feel like he really wants to get to know you, and he always has something interesting to talk about. Walter likes to talk and listen, and he makes you think.

This morning “the cluster” consisted of a few people I had never met before.  There was Walter’s friend, Phil who was definitely there for the social interaction; a woman studying for what appeared to be a university course in an area of social studies; she was intrigued by and, from time to time, joined in our topic of conversation; another man who I’ve seen there before, a regular who left after a few minutes clearly not interested in what we were talking about; another gentleman who, once we started talking, looked worried he had picked the wrong place to sit; he didn’t participate in any dialogue, but instead smiled steadily as he sat amidst a group of very vocal coffee drinkers. At one point our topic moved to adultery and he politely excused himself to join a friend on the other side of the room; I’m sure he was relieved to see the familiar face as he escaped from the midst of our web.

We were all very content to sit and talk, and at one point the revelation was made ~ people crave social interaction. We came to the conclusion that Starbucks is popular because the human race instinctively wants face to face conversation. We feel comfortable sitting in an environment that is aesthetically pleasing, with warm colours, soothing and nostalgic music, with comfortable furniture placed to accommodate and encourage conversation; much like a living room. It is an old school concept placed in a retail environment accompanied by a reason to go there; the product, coffee.

Most of our society’s communication is done via computers or cell phones, and the majority is through texting or the ever popular BBMing. Almost gone are the days of actually taking the time to sit with a living being and talking about something, laughing with a friend, consoling a child, inspiring someone you just met, complimenting the person in the line ahead of you, or taking a moment to get to know a stranger.

Well, I did that this morning. I met and chatted at length with 5 people I hardly knew. Each of them had an opinion and each was interested in listening to what the other had to say. There was a real sense of joy in that “cluster”. It had nothing to do with the upcoming holidays or the Christmas carols playing overhead. It had everything to do with the unique ambiance that was, spontaneously, created by people getting to know one another. It was a natural craving finally satisfied.

The Plight of the Teenager

This morning I went to a high school in town and to visit and talk with some amazing teenagers. They were bright, outgoing, intuitive, attentive and respectful. I love it when a group of young women are open to the possibility of learning something from someone much older than them. Speaking only from my own experiences and the consequences I have suffered, as well as, the gifts I have received, my credibility could be questioned.

I always indicate to them that I am not a doctor of any kind, and I do not provide any factual information. At first they look at me and their eyes tell me that they are not sure I have anything valuable to say. Most of them have only listened to speakers who provide them with facts. That’s it; just listen and take notes.  They were talked “to” and not “with”. I tell them to put away their pens and paper, and listen and think about what I am saying.  I also indicate that I welcome conversation and their feedback of agreement or disagreement. However, I do not advocate the “right” or “wrong” approach or arguing. I offer my opinion and it is their choice to do what they would like with it; agree, disagree, provide their valued opinion and act upon it all positively or negatively.

One would think that teenagers are living the best and carefree days of their lives; no responsibilities, no expectations, not a worry in the world. Wrong. These 11 and 12 grade students are stressed out. They are dealing with an abundance of homework, career choices, the hope and pressure of being accepted into universities, part time jobs, relationship turmoil, hormonal changes, and realistic and unrealistic expectations from every significant person in their lives.

I asked them if they have a little bit of fun every day. Two of the girls answered “yes” with conviction. The other 14 just stared at me blankly. It was as if they had no memory of this aspect of their life; like it had been eliminated and forgotten a long time ago. I asked them if they did anything that didn’t require an expected outcome; that no one cared about except them; something that they didn't really have to think about. They were reflecting, but none of them had an answer. The aura in the room shifted as a wave of sadness could be felt moving from one girl to the next until it reached me at the front of the room. The realization that everything in their lives required such focus and goal setting hit them like a ton of bricks.  I told them not to worry; I’m 50 and just figured it out about 5 years ago when a disease knocked me flat off of my career driven, material life podium! They were in luck as they had time to recoup any fun they had forgotten to indulge in. The fact that you "get it" is all that matters.

Last week I realized that my daughter was spending way too much time working and doing school work and not having fun, being spontaneous or creative. I pulled out an old table from the back room and dusted off an art bin that had been stored for years. When she and my son were small children, we used to have “art” dates all the time. It was the norm for us to spend hours at a time stamping, painting, gluing and, generally, creating. Winter is a perfect time of the year for this activity, and it is a great venue for relaxation and conversation. Along with its “good feel” benefit, it also nurtures the heart and soul.  My daughter was drawn to the table like a dog to a piece of steak in his dish.  At first she didn't know where to start.  She just looked around at all the material in front of her.  Then she started, and the creative surge took flight.

We don’t have hours to sit and do our art, but we have 15 minute sessions that are just enough to cleanse our minds of the day’s tasks and requirements. It is like a quick meditation and calming of the body, mind and soul before moving back into a world of lists and goals. It also brings back a bit of fun in a time that has forgotten that fun and creativity is a basic instinctual need and want that has been put to the wayside. 

So, go and have some fun today!!  Feel free to do it on your own or ask some one to tag along.  You will find it addictive and your stress will be forgotten............at least for a little while.

Politics of Life

Every aspect of your life requires that you think about what you say and what you do in order to receive what you want. This is above and beyond being polite and respectful. I’m talking about what you need to do to ensure your place or status within your work place or your social circle. It's the politics of life; "be careful what you wish for"!  There are, generally, unwritten rules that dictate how you react to situations and people in your life. Abiding by them, supposedly, provides you with a favourable outcome. Whether they are ethical or not, seems not to be an issue for some. Whether you are willing to play the game to get ahead or not has become the most important choice, or maybe it’s always been that way........

And so the game of integrity pushes forward and causes great anguish for the person who believes in the right thing to do, verses the thing that will provide her with the friends she wishes for and the career she has always dreamed of. Watching people opt for the latter every day disappoints and leaves me feeling sorry for them. They do not realize the fulfillment they would experience should they follow what they believe and feels right. They have been coerced by adult peer pressure into believing that status, power and money are more significant and empowering than happiness and self respect.

Being acknowledged for accomplishments achieved by stepping on other people’s hearts is hardly an achievement. I see young people being taken advantage of by those in authoritative positions all the time. Their words are abusive and destructive. Yet the child is hesitant to step on toes for fear of being black balled and, thus missing out on opportunities. I see young adults receiving continual negative feedback; their self confidence diminishing with every word. They listen and accept the words as if true; scared to retaliate thinking it will affect their future. I see grown women sit back and be brought down to nothingness thinking they need to accept being a target in order to maintain their position in the pecking order.

And then there are those who get it. Enough is enough, and the pattern must be broken. This has happened to my friend. She is tired and has figured out what is important in life. She now knows that she is deserving of kindness, respect, and love. And so, this is dedicated to her new path, and I wish her well. I know she will be more than alright because she has shifted her thinking, and it is in the direction of authentic integrity. It is the journey of the heart, and it is always right.

Traditions

Today, December 5th is the beginning of all Christmas celebrations in the world of the Dutch. It is the day of “Sinterklaas” or “Saint Nicholas” which in Holland is the “giving” day of Christmas. This is the day when Saint Nicholas (the equivalent to our Santa Claus) comes through the villages on his horse bringing all the “good” children their annual gifts. When my mother was a young girl during war time she remembers receiving an orange in her wooden shoe on the morning of "Sinterklaas".  At that time, this was a treat and became a long time tradition in her family.

"Sinterklaas" is accompanied by “Zwarte Piet” (black Peter) who throws nuts at the “bad” children. Horrible, I know, but this is the tradition and "Zwarte Piet" is really only there for drama and effect. December 25th is the spiritual day of Christmas as those who believe attend church with family and friends. Gifts are not exchanged on this day and the focus is on family, food and drink and the celebration of the birth of Christ.

My family has long adapted the traditions of Canada as we wait for December 25th before we embrace the joy of giving and receiving. However, we subconsciously prepare and decorate our homes in time for the first week of December. We ensure that the tree is up and the decorations are hanging in anticipation that perhaps “Sinterklaas” may gallop through our town, “Zwarte Piet” on his heels. We know that today, across the ocean, children will be getting up early for annual traditions set many, many years ago. In 20 days they will rise on the same day and we will all celebrate new life. How amazing that in different lands and within each family we have created a variety of traditions, and yet very like beliefs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xJkzj9yMUc

And so, today I wish everyone a very happy “Sinterklaas”, as we settle into holiday gatherings, festive celebrations and family traditions created over the years.

The Dreaded Gift Card

I had a great discussion began this morning with a sweet couple at a local coffee shop. I met them there many months ago, and have gotten to know them a bit from brief daily conversations. We started talking about a great jewellery line, Silpada, she and I like; she had on a pair of the earrings. I happened to indicate to her husband that one of the rings would be a great Christmas gift for her. He was quick to let me know that he prefers to give gift certificates. Oh my, not the “quick, easy to find, no thought provided” gift certificate!!!! My shocked expression said it all. He looked at me and asked what I thought about giving a gift card.

I didn’t want to tear a strip off him and make him feel bad, but I also owed it to all of the women in the world who receive these unthinkable pieces of plastic year after year. And so, I very gently indicated to him that women do not like gift cards. The only type of certificate that would be acceptable would be one that provides us with a spa service or a trip of some sort. I realize that this seems extraordinarily ungrateful, but the best part of the gift for us is that you actually put some thought into it; the fact that you asked questions and really tried to figure out what we like or what suits us.

Once my fellow feline and I agreed that all gift cards should be banished from the Christmas list, another one of our male morning coffee drinkers joined our chat. The “gift card giver” was quick to ask him if he was partial to an actual present for his wife or the gift in the envelope route. The women at the table were relieved to find out that there is a man out there who actually takes the time to find the perfect gift for his wife. Our recent visitor let us in on how he decides on his wife’s present.

He actually takes the time to choose his wife’s Christmas gifts by following a guideline from his heart. He has decided that he wants to meet her needs as a whole person. He achieves this by purchasing something for her brain, her body and her soul. Yes, even her soul!! I know, he may have heard this on Oprah or Dr. Phil, or maybe she even alluded to this great idea, but the truth is that he actually “got it” and does go out to find these three items all on his own. Very impressive, don’t you think?

So, for all the men out there who run out on December 24th for the infamous gift card..............don’t do it!!!!!

My Friend

Today, I woke up with a runny nose, low grade fever and sore, swollen hands, otherwise known as a “flare” in the world of autoimmune diseases. This will be a day that I stay inside and rest.

For many that would be a blessing; to just stay home on a rainy day and lay around and do nothing. And that it is, if it is your choice to do so. Unfortunately, the victims of autoimmune deficiencies are forced to make choices that are out of their control in order to manage their disease. To be as healthy as possible, they must be so attuned to their body that when it speaks, they respond appropriately and immediately. Misinterpreting the message or, deciding to fight the symptoms can force a flare to spiral out of control.

It took me a year or more to come to the conclusion that I needed to befriend my disease. It was difficult for me to understand how something so outwardly invisible could make me feel so horrible on the inside. I understand why others cannot relate to my discomfort or grief because they cannot see the pain or understand my feelings of loss. I usually hide my discomfort behind a smile and conversation. Some think I do this for their benefit, and that is partially true. However, it is also an attempt to distract myself from the continual malaise that inhabits my entire being.

And so, I eventually learned that this distraction I needed would require my welcoming my R.A. We now live happily together most of the time as I live by her schedule and provide her with the sustenance she requires; that being medication prescribed by my faithful rheumatologist. When I feed her, put her to bed on time and don’t over work her, she is content and quiet. If her dinner is late, her schedule is altered and she works more than usual, she becomes irritated and boisterous.

Unfortunately, the pharmacy ordered my monthly medication too late and I was 4 days behind in feeding my friend. She became hungry and is now retaliating. Like a small child, she didn’t get what she wanted, when she wanted so, she is punishing me.

And so, I must end my post as my fingers are stiff and throbbing. I have been up for 2 hours and it is time for a rest. The goal is finding balance in every facet of every hour today. Tomorrow will be much better if I give my friend what she needs today.............