Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Being Wise and Flabby Bellies

Watching an episode of Oprah featuring Bo Derek, I was reminded again of how balance naturally and repeatedly presents itself. She remarked that as we grow older and our bodies begin to slowly betray us, it is somewhat reassuring that our minds compensate by becoming more the wiser. What an incredible statement of the universe’s ability to take and then give back.

This message came to me in a timely manner as it was just this morning that I pulled out a pair of pants not worn for a few months. They were slightly tighter than previously worn, and I was perplexed as I haven’t changed my eating or my physical activity. It didn’t take me long to figure out what was going on. I’m getting older and everything is slowing down a bit. The metabolism isn’t what it used to be, and the old body is starting to shift.

The great thing is that it doesn’t really bother me. I could work out more, but I really loath strength training, so that’s not happening!!! This is the “getting wiser” balancing act coming in as I am consciously choosing to enjoy spending my time on experiencing life rather than dwelling on my inevitable flaccid waist line. How interesting that someone once dubbed “the perfect 10” triggered the epiphany of mind/body balance.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Being "right" or Being "happy"

We go through life in fear of making mistakes. Once mistakes are made, we fear facing them and being accountable to them. They exhibit our weaknesses, and, in our minds, make us less of a person. And yet these mistakes are an integral part of us that is real and reflect the fact that we are imperfect.

Imperfection is the truth, and yet, we fear facing it because there is some crazy notion dancing in our heads that we must strive for perfection. Unattainable, our limitations sometimes get us into tough spots that we worry we cannot get out of.  Our want of perfection becomes more difficult than we thought.  We become exhausted by the complications of achieving something so close, yet so far away.

Everything can be worked through, albeit with some pain, as long as we are willing to “face the music”. Having the courage to stand face to face to those affected and admit to your misgivings is the first step to self-forgiveness. It is then the choice of others to also forgive you.

This may not happen; thus the pain of rejection. Possibly more difficult to bear is the lack of forgiveness from someone else. But remember that their unwillingness to accept you as you are is due to the fear that lives inside of them. This is their weakness that they have not faced and welcomed as part of themselves. To not forgive others is to believe that you are perfect and not capable of making a poor choice.

By not accepting our inadequacies, we create dishonesty and ruin relationships. Trust in ourselves and others is dissolved and replaced with emotional turmoil. Perfection is a goal that leads us on a painful journey of being endlessly unsuccessful. It is the difference between being “right” and being “happy”.  It is unrealistic and unattainable.  Accepting ourselves, mistakes and all, is the only way that we can get as close to perfection as possible.
This little beauty sat perched on my fence post for almost an hour.  I was mesmerized by her ability to sit quietly, absorbing the peacefulness of the morning.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Feelings, Thoughts, Clarity, Choices.......

Feelings lead to thoughts; thinking leads to clarity; clarity leads to making choices. Picking the choice that best fits you is the part that takes the most courage. Often the ego gets in the way and sways our decision. This is where the “thinking” part of the process becomes the most prevalent as egos tend to push us away from thinking clearly and authentically. We allow our perception of what others think about us guide us in the direction of being unauthentic. We may feel triumphant as we think that we appear “better” or more “successful” but, it is a fleeting moment as we quickly start seeking the next endeavour of shallow bravado.

It becomes an addiction as we move through a daily process of inputting tasks and accomplishments in place of the void of being true. Our days become filled with continual “doing” bearing no relevance on “who” we are, only what we can accomplish. The “who” comes from acting upon how we feel. Moving from a place of emotion can only create what is real for you. There will be no hesitation as it feels right and good and real. There is no sense of question because you know that if you are experiencing something from the heart, it is what it is. It can only be altered if you allow your ego to step in and change its existence from real to, well, something that is not. If it is not real, nothing true can be felt and then, how can it have any significance to you at all?

Tomorrow is Sunday; traditionally a day of rest. It used to be the day that I got up early to catch up on laundry, cleaning and cooking, etc.  Not anymore; I'm not feelin' it!!!  Wake up and just feel what comes to you. Think about how you are feeling without allowing others or anything to influence those thoughts. Be clear about your thinking and keep it simple; it is what it is. Your choices will be easy and you will be back to feeling again. And so the cycle will continue.

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Longevity of Joy

I recognized so much of me as I was having a conversation with a young lady joining a work shop this morning. We were discussing the incredible value that she places on having to fill every moment of her day with something productive. It brought back memories of a person that used to live inside of me, but who I have long abandoned.

It is true that I sometimes fight the urge to make a list or think about what I could be accomplishing, rather than enjoying something without a task oriented purpose. However, for the most part, it doesn’t present itself anymore because these needs were “fillers” for me in the past. They were my unconscious “go to” when I didn’t want to deal with what was really lacking in my life. The problem back then was that I knew I was missing something, but I wasn’t brave enough to discover what it was. I thought that if I did, it would reveal a “not good enough” self. I hadn’t discovered my true self and what lay down in the depth of my soul.

How do you explain this to someone and what is that “soul” thing? Is it spirituality? Is it God? Is it your purpose? Is it your significance in this universe? Is it wisdom? How do you describe something that hasn’t been discovered yet? Because that is what we are looking for; that little significant something that we know is within us but, we haven’t noticed yet or don’t know how to get to. You need to be at a place in your life when you are willing to allow yourself to investigate each layer until you reach the spot of discovery, your soul. It can be painful and joyful all at the same time. The end result is triumphant.

Many have told me that you need to be older and have experienced decades of life to be at the point of “soul discovery”. Not so. The woman I spoke to this morning is 20 years old and oh so wise. She has experienced more than anyone her age should experience, and she is very ready to dig deep and come out feeling loved and deserving, as we all should.

She was not desperate or anxious, sad or happy; just incredibly ready to do the work. She looked in my eyes and said, “I don’t have fun anymore; I just want to have fun”. What an epiphany for her; she is looking for the joy of life and all that will bring to her. She will find her purpose, and she will live authentically for longer than most.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Debating Authenticity

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense”. Buddha

This quote, very clearly, resonates with the entire authenticity dilemma. We tend to believe in something because we have allowed ourselves to be intimidated into agreeing with someone else’s value in it.  It's called peer pressure, and it happens with adults just as much as with children and teens. However, deep in our own belief system, it does not sit well. It is a struggle as the defender of the belief communicates a strong argument and you are unable to verbally express your rebuttal.

It does not matter; winning the argument does not validate anything; it just means that the winner is a better debater. What holds clout is living the belief you own without even discussing it; you have won the debate by “doing” it. That is the triumph, the gold medal; that is authenticity in its truest form.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Smiles

Flying home from Vancouver yesterday on the 11:30 a.m.West Jet flight 650 I met a kind woman who happened to be one of the flight attendants.  She stood at the door and welcomed everyone walking on board. She had a personality that exuded positive and contagious energy, and an extraordinary smile. Ironically, just as I was thinking this, she commented on my smile and compared my “sparkling” eyes to Bette Midlers’.

Something I have discovered is that we often notice traits in other people that we own ourselves. We unconsciously find them either more attractive or more offensive in someone else. We tend to recognize, compliment or criticize them easily while looking from the other side.

It is a great day when we finally value our own attributes and forgive our transgressions with more ease than we are used to doing. Rather than feeling like we need to “change” ourselves, we realize that we are pretty much alright just the way we are. This allows us to grow and evolve rather than try to change into someone we are not.

After I chatted with my new friend (I cannot remember her name; it was as unique as she was) while waiting in line for the washroom, I realized why I was drawn to her. It was that smile. Every time she spoke to someone, she looked directly into their eyes and she immediately smiled. It was a sincere gesture that came naturally to her. She was also intrigued by people, and she asked them questions attempting to get to know them. It was obvious that this was something she truly loved to do. She found people interesting, and she had found an occupation that incorporated her love and interest of people into every minute of her day. Whether she was thinking of this when she chose her profession or not, I do not know, but it certainly worked out for her because she seemed to find joy in every aspect of her what she was doing.

When we walked off the plane, she was the person that West Jet had chosen to say good bye to their passengers; good call!! She focused all of her attention on each person as she addressed them while they disembarked. I could see her smile as I moved up the aisle to leave, and when it was my turn to say good bye, we simultaneously said, ``keep smiling``!

This is someone who makes every person she meets in a day feel great. She may not know it, but this is her purpose in life and she does it well and without missing a beat. I wish her much joy and hope that she receives as many smiles in a day as she gives away.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

What a Difference a Day Makes!!!!

Everyone has reconciled, and it seems that, along with spring, forgiveness is also in the air. I love people and the way they are able to adapt to other’s neurosis. It appears that I reverted to my old self under stress; not a pretty picture. And to top it all off, my body decided to go into “period” mode after 6 months. Never a good thing when you are trying to juggle what seems like a hundred things and your hormones move into overdrive. I will admit, the ping pong effect of those little monsters play havoc on my reasoning skills.

I know that most women don’t like to admit that their hormones affect their judgement, but in my case, they do. I also get tired, frustrated and short tempered. I am unable to focus on small tasks, and the things that I do focus on are, in reality, unimportant and petty; thus, my melt down yesterday.

In the past, I would have thought me a bad person, and I would have allowed the “guilty” gods to take over my very soul. But instead, I reflected on my thoughts, my feelings and my actions and forgave myself and then let it all go. I took myself out to run some last minute errands for my upcoming trip to Vancouver with my daughter, bought a new CD and sat with a latte for an hour thinking of absolutely nothing. The power of the moment is worth more than anything that has happened or is forthcoming.

I bid you all adieu for the upcoming week as I will be taking a break from the blogging world while immersing myself into my friend’s company that will include shopping therapy accompanied by wine and a lot of laughter. xoxoxoxo

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Loving the Ugly Pieces along with the Pretty

Electronic messages are tricky things. Whether you are writing them or reading them, one must be ever so careful in their wording, but even more so, in the tone that could be interpreted on the receiving end. This is even more prevalent in a group message scenario as there are so many variables that influence how a message is perceived that we must take them all into account. Each person opening the email has her own personality loaded with the good, the bad and the ugly. Any given day could trigger one or all of these wonders, and it is sometimes not very pretty! Given the dynamics of the group, whether the members are co-workers, friends or acquaintances, the communication could come across completely different from what was intended.

I was in this situation today as I opened my inbox to 49 emails after not having my computer for a few days. Trying to get ready for a trip this coming week and keeping up to date on my work and in touch with my family and friends, I found myself overwhelmed with the number of messages before me. I took a deep breath and started replying to them one by one.

There were a couple of emails in particular that were sent from members of a group that I found time consuming, and I was somehow annoyed by them. I had a knee jerk reaction, wrote a reply that I thought was appropriate given how my interpretation made me feel, hesitated momentarily before I hit the “send” button, and then regretted it. It wasn’t long before I received a reply and I was promptly put in my place. I had clearly annoyed someone as much as I had been.

I took an hour to sit back and reflect on what had happened. I had that “icky” feeling in my stomach, and I wondered if it was because someone had put me in my place, or because I realized that I had misinterpreted the previous emails and had made a mistake. I re-read all of the emails, and it turns out it was all of the above. Now I had a decision to make. I could pretend that I was “right” and act like nothing had happened, or I could take the high road and admit my error.

I decided to allow my integrity to guide me as I wrote yet one more email expressing my apologies to all involved. If I have learned anything at all during my journey to self love, it is that I must like all of the little bits that create me as a whole person. That includes the kind me and the fun me, the loving me and the caring me, but it also includes that little piece of me that makes mistakes from time to time. It is a gentle reminder that we are not perfect and that our imperfections help to create the balance of self that promote gratitude for all that we are.  It enables us to forgive ourselves for our not so pretty parts, even there are those who won't.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Complicated Coffee

http://www.thewhig.com/PrintArticle.aspx?e=3012059

When I first read the column, see link above, by Brian MacLeod (coffee shops say a lot about people) I immediately placed my self on the defensive post as he provided various opinions on the reasons individuals chose to walk through either the Starbucks’ door or the Tim Hortons’ door. The entire premise that we choose one over the other based on politics is, quite frankly, ludicrous. I do frequent Starbucks on a daily basis, and I am one of those people who sit in front of the fireplace in “the cluster” discussing a multitude of topics with fellow Starbonites. I admit from the outside it may appear that we have formed some kind of friendly cult. However, I think I can speak for my cluster companions when I say that we drive in the Starbucks parking lot, first and foremost, because we love the coffee. No political agenda could ever influence a true coffee lover’s choice of their most important first beverage of the day; we really don’t care where the beans are grown.

The second deciding factor is unarguably the atmosphere. I just really like the music and the comfy chairs which has nothing to do with who I am going to vote for or whether I want to recycle or not. This environment does initiate relaxation and conversation, two things that we all deserve and are greatly lacking in our world of “getting things done”. The fact that the employees (I don’t care what their titles are) are kind and customer service focused is the icing on the red velvet cupcake.

I was offended that Mr. MacLeod would think me an elitist because I choose to sit in a comfy chair listening to the music of my favourite genre while enjoying my caffeine fix. Just as I am sure the patrons of Tim Hortons are offended that they are not considered worthy of the elitist status because they chose to go across the street. We, Starbonites, apparently, only talk about “books, community meetings and the environment”; how boring we are!! I can assure you that those of us huddled in front of the fireplace (which is working as I sit in front of it typing on my laptop) have wonderful conversations about hockey games, our kids’ activities, and day to day observations along with those political, religious and business discussions. I also know that the Timmies clan are just as capable of discussing the environment and their political party, along with making business deals while sipping their double, doubles.

As for the observation that one finds only university students “discussing how to control the world” and “nicely dressed” 50 somethings at Starbucks, Mr. MacLeod you need to get out more. As I sit here now, I see 4 people of various ages, young to old using laptops and ipads. They are the minority here, but if their electronic device determines where they would have their coffee, they are here because of the free wifi. There is also a room full of patrons ranging in age from their twenties to their seventies, none of us are stressing about how we want to gain control over anything; we really are quite relaxed! As for the attire of us “elitists”, I see sweats, uniforms, business suits, jeans and t-shirts, work shoes, high heels, and a variety of running shoes; the same as our fellow coffee lovers in Tim Hortons.

In the end, can’t we just simplify this and admit that each of us chooses our coffee destination to suit a personal preference of taste and surroundings, rather than basing it on political preference or social status? It seems that my latte order just became even more complicated than it already was!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

"If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all"

There is a little girl who lives without any praise from her father. Not only does she not receive any words of encouragement but, she cannot remember a time that her father told her he loved her. She doesn’t recollect him telling her that she did a good job, or that he was proud of her. She doesn’t specifically think about these things, but she does feel a void in her life. Her mother pretends that everything is alright. She lives in a world of make belief as she ignores the emotional absence of her husband in both her and her children’s lives. All of her energy goes toward justifying his actions and his lack of attention; a lot of work and a lot of time.

The scenario of this little girl is a reality for many people. Whether the roles are reversed or the details somewhat different, most of us come from a degree of dysfunctional living. Rather than simply face up to the fact that it exists, we tend to deny and hide it. This is another example of striving for the “perfect” family, the “perfect” existence; God forbid if we admit that we have imperfections and may want to take a look at them. Instead children believe that the dysfunctional life they are brought up in is normal. It’s all they know so, why would they think any differently. Neither one of their parents told them otherwise so they grow up continuing the pattern of what is familiar to them.

The problem is that at some point (usually when she has children of her own) this little girl realizes that something isn’t right. She grows up and she has a different life in mind for her children. Does she fight the pattern, or go along like her mother did? Does she go with her intuition and fight the familiar. She wants her children to hear that she is proud of them, that they are smart, that they are funny, that they are kind, that they make good choices, that their hair looks good, that they look amazing when they get ready in the morning and that they are loved.  Hopefully, her love for her child allows her to do just that. Just as it is easier to smile than to frown, it is easier to be kind than to be harmful. It is the mother who the little girl must depend on to make the decision that comes from her heart. This is transformed into protection and love. This is the mother’s job.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Bonus of Authenticity

The amazing road from feeling numb and disempowered to a place of feeling and empowerment is, unfortunately, the “road less traveled”. We wonder, “Why do we most often choose the route of self abandonment and emotional pain?” Why do we feel that we are not worthy of happiness and sheer joy? So many of us find ourselves in this predicament, and yet, we do nothing about it; we stand still. Years and years go by. We know we should release ourselves, but we stay and, slowly, we lose all sense of ourselves.

Knowledge, experience and finally desperation sometimes bring some of us to a place of action and such gratitude that we finally found the courage to escape our own gated community of suppression. With all of this freedom comes other fears to face; will my husband support me, what will my children think, will my friends understand? And with all of this possible support, thinking and understanding, how will they respond?

I got to a point of such utter self loss that I didn’t care. I felt that it was “do or die”. I was so good at acting happy that I don’t think anyone realized how I was feeling. I moved into a self recovery mode, and didn’t even explain my thoughts or actions to anyone close to me. It was difficult for them because this was an extension of the person they thought they knew, but had never seen before. My sub-conscious plan was a surprise to everyone including me. It evolved solely out of a need to survive emotionally.

You may wonder, “Why would you put them through the mystery, the worry and the wonder of your transformation?  Why wouldn't you just explain it to them?” I couldn't.  It was time for me to just do it.  It was because, without realizing it, I knew that the outcome would be positive for everyone who knew me. I worried that if I talked about it, someone might try to talk me out of it, including me.  I also knew at the time that I had no energy or thought capacity for explanations. I was still in the initial stages of my evolution and explaining "me" to others at that point would have felt more like defending myself. Justifying "me" was what I had done all my life, and I had been living a fraudulent persona for a very long time. I was now moving toward authenticity so, having to explain myself was not congruent with what my true self was. I was tired of explaining and ready to just be me.

Somehow, I was confident that anyone in my life who truly loved me would stick around no matter how scary the introduction of me, as I really am, would be. I was confident because I knew that the real me was the only way that I could exist and be happy, and if I was happy then those around me would be as well. There were some bumpy periods, but we all got through them quite unscathed. The few people that left my immediate world are living happily in theirs.  I wish them only authenticity and joy.

I think that although I have undergone a significant transformation, my fake self and I have always had one thing in common; the love of others. The added bonus of authenticity is that I now also love me as I really am.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Unblocking Beliefs

A friend of mine said to me, “I don’t feel like proving myself any more”. I understood. We come to a time in our lives when we are tired of the constant cycle of working toward seeking approval, adapting to what is necessary to obtain approval, and then starting all over again. We suddenly realize that shifting our behaviour to fit what someone else is looking for, only provides us with blocks that prohibit us from taking our natural course. For every positive in our life, our sub conscious retaliates with a negative, and we remain stagnate and unable to grow. The fear of leaving what is familiar, even if it provides unhappiness, keeps us from all we know that will make us happy.

Making the conscious choice to only allow positive affirmations in is a huge step toward achieving what we really want. For years, I had excuses as to why I could not write; no time, no money, people would think I was crazy, what if I wasn’t really good, my family wouldn’t support me, my husband would tell me it wasn’t realistic, and so on. Now I realize that all of these negative affirmations were defensive thoughts that kept me away from my dream of becoming a writer. I felt that I needed to focus on them to keep me from the failure that I was sure I would reach. After much work, I established that each thought came from a place, a person and a time in my past.

Breaking down my life in 2 to 5 year increments was the best way for me to figure out where these negative statements came from. Pinpointing who was the most influential person in my life at that time, or what significant event occurred during those years, or where I was at that time made it much easier to make the correct association to my negative feelings. I was not concerned with associating fault or blame in relation to my blocks, but I needed to understand their origins in order to be able to deflect them and allow positive energy in. Once I did that, I was able to determine how ludicrous it was that I was allowing other people’s opinions, and events to influence my decisions. Their belief system was after all only that, a system of beliefs. They weren’t necessarily truths or facts, just what they believed. If that were the case, then there was no reason why my beliefs could not prevail over theirs.

Seems simple, and yet it is not. The chatter that comes from the back of our head is composed of the beliefs of the parents who raised us, the friends we socialized with, the culture we lived in, the church we prayed in and the teachers who taught us. Our brain has been conditioned to believe all that we are familiar with even if our soul believes the complete opposite. The struggle is enormous, and the fear to fight what we have been told from birth in order to live authentically can be so strong that we surrender to it and live in stagnancy.

It is time to work through these blocks, believe in our hearts and move toward the happiness we all deserve. Going against the grain to do what makes us happy is the right thing to do. Doing it by trusting ourselves is the only way to achieve it. Believing in ourselves will get us there much faster than we expect. There is no one to live up to and no one to prove ourselves to. We just “do”, and we just “be”.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Expecting the Best

I always experience an inkling of hesitation when approaching someone for a favour. It is very seldom that I ask any one for their time or space unless I am able to provide them with something in return. However, I have come to realize that there are more people in the world willing and wanting to give than there are those who wish only to receive. I was blessed to have met Susan at Marchant Rubber Stamps earlier this year and to have had a very welcoming conversation with her today.

I approached her with the idea of providing her customers with my “Artist’s Way” 12 step workshop brochure believing that my creative workshops were the perfect fit with her shop and all that she had to offer. The jitters came as I drove over and started wondering if she would recognize the same value that I did. Scepticism mounted as that silly chatter began talking at the back of my brain. She’s successful; why would she bother giving me the opportunity to benefit from what she had spent years to build?

With all of this mounting inside of me, I managed to put on my hat of courage and walk confidently into her well-stocked store of stamps and scrap booking supplies. Stumbling a little on my first few words, she smiled warmly at me, and her body language allowed me to continue without any regret. I explained what my workshops entailed, describing week 6 as a creative cluster during which we create card masterpieces utilizing materials and many items that she sells in her store. I finished my blurb, and Susan quickly made a spot on her counter near her cash register for a small display which included my brochures and the text book, “The Artist’s Way”.

I walked away thankful that there are people like Susan in the world. People who value other’s creative spirit, and have giving souls. Entrepreneurship still thrives with the magic of networking combined with individual passion. From all of this, I have learned that expecting the best in people usually provides you with just that, the best.

check out the Marchant web site and blog for great creative ideas.......

www.marchantpapermemories.com/Home2.html
http://www.marchantspapermemories.blogspot.com/