Friday, October 29, 2010

Fighting with Patterns

It all started three days ago when I went down to the basement to get my luggage. I had decided to use the small suitcase in an attempt to pack minimally. You know the smaller one of the set of two that you would normally use for a weekend away. We would be away for ten days and would be experiencing two climate changes so, the fact that I even thought this was remotely feasible was a bit of a joke.

As I now sit on the plane after attempting and being unsuccessful in trying to have a nap, I chuckle to myself reflecting on how I tried to shove 15 full outfits, 5 pairs of shoes including running shoes, work out wear, bathing suits, 2 sun hats, makeup and toiletries (remember, I’m a skin therapist) in, what seems now, a little wee bag. I barely got half of the clothes in, and quickly realized that I needed to go back downstairs for the big suitcase; the one that expands so that you can bring home the clothes that you bought while shopping on your trip.

Walking down the stairs with the small suitcase in tow, I knew that there would be a comment made about, not necessarily the size of the big bag, but definitely about the weight. His suitcase would be the same size, but would not be as heavy. I could barely lift it, so I knew it would be dually noted. Although I knew that it was just his way of “pulling my chain”, I started thinking of ways to justify the amount of wardrobe changes I was bringing with me. My mindset swiftly moved into justification mode. I worked hard to fight that pattern, but once it began, I found it difficult to challenge its intricate weave. After many years of watching the women in my family feel the need to defend what they wanted to do and say, I was determined to fight my destiny of the same.

I took a deep breath and wiped my thoughts clean. The paradigm of needing to have a reason for what I packed for a trip was ridiculous. “Away with you, bad, unreasonable thoughts”. I put my ipod in the docking station and cranked up the music. I focused on the lyrics and sang with the passion of Barbra Streisand. This was my meditation; my way of cutting off the power of others’ control. I was empowered, and I packed everything that I could think of that I might possibly want to wear at any given moment. I included extra scarves, belts, purses and jewellery and even an extra pair of shoes. Gone was the minimalist theory; I was bringing it all!!

Yesterday, my husband loaded the car. When he lifted up my bag, he looked at me and smiled. He never said a thing. It felt like because I had released the energy of the past and blocked the pattern, he failed to receive the cue to comment.

On our way to the airport last night, I sat in the car and thought about all of the items in my suitcase. Damn, I had forgotten to pack my pyjamas!!!!!!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Being Whole

“The secret to being whole is all about being you without worrying what anyone else thinks”. I heard this yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it. There is an epidemic of women trying to please other’s in their lives while, unconsciously, yet willingly, losing their true self in the process. As the years go by, we realize that everything that we had deep down in the root of our heart and spirit has been pushed aside. Bit by bit we feel like we just have small fragments of what we used to have; we aren’t whole any more. How did that happen?

I remember as a teenager and through my 20’s, I was guided by what I believed in and what I really valued. I had opinions, expressed them openly and passionately defended them. My 30’s changed my life as I welcomed and cherished my two children. I simultaneously struggled with my desire to have a successful career with financial security as my motivation. My heart pulled me home, but my independence and need for empowerment pulled me in the other direction. I managed to do it all very well, but much to me own detriment. My 40’s proved to be incredibly disappointing as all of the time and energy I expended to obtain “success” in both my personal and professional life left me tired, beaten and broken.

As I move into my 50’s I finally realize that no amount of money or career achievement can provide me with the sense of self and fulfillment that knowing who I am, and truly being that person can provide. By following my heart, my intuition and being able to do what I want to do without feeling like I need to justify it, is incredibly freeing and empowering. If only I had discovered this or not forgotten this earlier, I would never have experienced the misunderstood feeling of guilt and rejection. No one inflicted these feelings on me, but me. I learned this from my mother, and she from hers. The innate need to take care of others and never yourself is dysfunctional and extraordinarily unhealthy. We all have the choice, but never really recognize that it is there, right in front of us, until way too late in life.

This is what we must teach and ask our daughters. What do you love to do? What really brings you joy? You must feel that joy in your life. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and think with your heart. Don’t think about money or things. If you are doing something you feel good about, all good things deserving will come to you. You do not need to listen to others to get the answer; you know the answer; it is simple; where does your passion lie? Feel it and it will come to you. And when it does, don’t question it, don’t justify it, just move with it and you will be whole.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Forgiveness

I met up with a friend in a store the other day, and I haven’t spoken with her for a very long time. This was a conscious decision I made, not to have her in my life. For the past year, I have taken great effort to repel her from my existence, and it took a lot of effort on my part to achieve this alienation successfully. I felt like I was quitting smoking, cold turkey; very uncomfortable, and with no warning to her. Not discussing my abrupt change of behaviour was not an acceptable course of action as I reacted in defence rather than from my heart. I have known all along that I should have dealt with this conflict one on one, but I went the “tough guy” route and simply rejected her instead.

What she did to me 2 summers ago was inexcusable and extraordinarily hurtful. If you recall from my previous “what you need to know about me as a friend.........,” I don’t react well to being hurt by those who love me. I generally become very hard on my exterior and decide to eliminate the attacker by running away. And so, that is what I did. I was told that she probably doesn’t even realize what she had done and that I should just forgive her and move on. Because I was so incredibly hurt, I just couldn’t fathom how she could not know how her actions affected me and others. Was she really that unaware of her own feelings that she couldn’t see the arrows flying towards me? Was she so emotionally detached that she could only focus on what she wanted and how she would benefit from her actions?

A lot of time has passed and I have grown emotionally over the past year. I no longer require the crutch of a friend, but rather offer, welcome and appreciate a friend’s support and love. It’s more difficult to hurt me because I am my own best friend and rely on my own validation. I believe that there is good in everyone and that most people’s intentions are good. If someone does hurt me, she doesn’t intend to; she just hasn’t had that incredible moment of awakening when we realize what truly matters.

So, as I walked toward this person in the store, and had a choice to turn around and run or smile and forgive; I chose the latter. We chatted for about 30 minutes, as if nothing had ever happened. I do forgive her for her transgressions, and I think that over time, I may even forget. Maybe not; time will tell, but at least I am at peace with myself, and hopefully, she is too.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Relief

Back when I was in, what I call, my “busy” mode, every minute of every day was detrimental to how much my pay check would be. “Time was money” as the phrase goes. My day timer needed to be filled, and in an efficient, multi tasking kind of way. Not one hour was wasted. I felt a surge of adrenaline while inputting an appointment, drawing the line at its ending point and finishing it off with even diagonal lines to fill in the blank area. Always in pencil, should someone need to change the date, and always including the customer’s contact info. When the page was filled, I felt a sense of accomplishment; the only thing better was being able to stroke the item off once complete.

How times have changed!! When I open my day timer now, I hope that there will be as little written in it as possible. One work related item is good for me, and if there is more, I am hoping that something will get cancelled. Today is a good example as I was feeling stressed about the amount of work on my plate and several presentations to do tomorrow. Keeping in mind that I am loving my new ventures and the work that I am doing, I did overstretch myself and got caught up in the overbooking mind set. I forgot that it is o.k. to say “I’m busy that week, but would love to present the following week”. Interesting how we sometimes seem to fall back on our crazy dysfunctional patterns even though we are conscious of how much imbalance they cause in our lives.

And then the universe seems to feel our discomfort, and the phone rings. The presentations for tomorrow are postponed. Relief moves through me like a wave of fresh air. I am feeling the same surge of adrenaline that I did years ago while trying to fill my schedule, except now I am swiftly erasing the page clean. Looking down at the blank white area, I am breathing evenly again and looking forward to a day of writing in my blog, running some errands and going to work for a couple of hours. Afterwards, I will exercise, make dinner and work for a few more hours. Some would read this and consider a day like this to be a luxury, but really do we not all deserve this state of balance and sense of calm.

As I begin a list of “things to do” today, I realize that it is getting too long, and I move half of the items to the next day. No point in over doing it; there’s always tomorrow, right?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Finding the perfect.............

The perfect purse, the most efficient wallet, the ultimate shoes, the best fitting pants, that little black dress; these are a few of my favourite things. You know when you have found one of your favourite things as soon as you hold it on your arm, open it up or try them on. You usually find the best of the best when you’re not looking for it; you just seem to stumble upon it.

When I bra shop, it’s because I set aside the time to do just that. It is a chore. Along with bathing suit shopping, it is the worst task known to a woman. My breasts are not large. I have one breast that is larger than the other. One is a B cup, while the other is between an A and a B cup; just enough of a difference to cause problems. If I get a bra to fit the smaller breast and it has any push up feature, the larger breast always seeps out the top. The seepage would be fine if equally distributed between the two girls, but tight fitting t-shirts emphasize the size deficiency of the smaller one. Push ups are not an option.

Under wire bras may provide support for some, but I value comfort, so steel framing my breasts is not an option. I have tried them. I’ve tried on and purchased the most expensive brands. I’ve had sales women ensure me that “this is the ultimate bra”. After a day of wearing the bra, I quickly realize that this is not the bra of the century. The hard half moon cuts into my skin, and I want to rip it off.

Then one night I am watching T.V. and the commercial comes on with the "most comfortable" bras ever. The material feels like you aren’t wearing anything at all and the fit is close to perfection. I buy one. That “amazing” microfiber material feels like velvet against my skin. I am sure that I have finally found my favourite bra. Not. Within hours it has stretched out just enough that it feels like it has grown a full size. Eventually, my skin starts peaking out of the bottom of each cup, and I am continually adjusting my breasts to proper alignment. Too much work.

At this point, you may be wondering why I am going on and on about my bra shopping escapades. Well, the reason is that I am resorting to seeking the help of other women. Surely to God one of you has found a bra that fits properly, is supportive without having metal in it, and is comfortable without needing to be hand washed and doesn’t stretch.

Your suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. Come on ladies, let’s talk bras.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Sex and the City

Last night was a great night. Three of my very dear friends came over for some mega tapa eating and to watch some Sex and the City. These kinds of evenings are my favourite as we sit around in the security of one of our homes with absolutely no one to worry about but ourselves. Drinking wine and eating our delicious sushi and the nacho stand-by feels comfortable and right. Great conversation was provided between episodes as it was decided that each of us had to give an update on our lives since we last met.

After a few cocktails and several episodes of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte, the expected question was asked, “which one are you like?” This proved to be more difficult to answer than we thought. I think I’m more like Carrie because I am a writer, and when I was younger, I loved to dress in a more eclectic way. But, now I dress more conservatively; I like to think that I have more class than I used to. I was never overly promiscuous so, I’m more like Charlotte in that respect. I also value monogamy, wedding vows and loyalty within a relationship; again, Charlotte. I used to be very career oriented and business like; Miranda. I believe that every woman should do whatever makes her happy, without being influenced by society’s ideas of the “norm” or what is considered acceptable; this would be Samantha. I’m not much of a party girl now, like Samantha, although I love spending time with my girl friends as all 4 of the S/C girls do.

Each of us went through the same dilemma and we decided that this was not an all or nothing categorization. We would need to re-visit this every year as each of us knew that we were evolving and growing all the time. In my 20’s, I was mostly “party” Samantha with a dream of becoming “married” and “motherly” Charlotte. When I moved into my 30’s I became 80% Charlotte as I became a mother and 20% Miranda as I focused on building a career. My 40’s proved to be a decade of Carrie, not being sure of what I wanted in life. Now, after just turning 50, I feel that a little bit of each of these amazing women make up my whole. I can still mostly relate to Carrie with appearances from the other 3 coming in and out of my life. But, who really knows what life will present? What was the most prevalent part of the evening was that through all of our changing and growing, we will always love and support one another just like C, S, M and C. xoxoxoxo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Seriously, though............

As I stood speaking about nutrition to a group of high school girls, I was taken aback when only 2 out the 15 young women put their hands up when asked if they help cook their family’s meals. I realize that times have changes, but, seriously!!!! I know, I know I sound like the classic “I walked 5 miles, up a hill, without any boots, in the dead of winter” old-school lady, but I really did cook full meals for our family from the time I was 12 years old.

Many would think that I would hate cooking from being in the kitchen at such a young age and for 38 years since. However, I absolutely love creating meals for my family and me. My love for food and all its goodness has become such a passion that I long to share it with everyone I meet. This desire stems from the mystique of how food systems work and integrate with the universe and our physical and emotional needs. Nature is truly a miracle as plants, one of our main food sources, grow and flourish with the seasons providing us with all of the vitamins and minerals that we require. It mystifies me that anyone would want to mix or add chemicals or any “non-food” item to the beautiful flavours of the gifts of nature. Herbs and spices were created just for that reason. If you really took the time, you would find that everything you need to produce an amazing flavourful, nutritious meal comes directly from nature itself; no additions required. The palette is infinite and, where we live, resources are plentiful. Our gratitude’s cup should runneth over. And yet, we insist on mixing nature’s best with a hodge podge of “stuff” and whack it in a box.

We’re busy, yes, but what happened to us, and why do we insist on being so busy; too busy to take the time to cook with our children. Do we really want them to believe that good food can be nuked in 5 minutes or that the “beige” meal deal for $3.99 measures up to what we really believe our little ones should be putting into their bodies?

If you take the time to do anything today, ask your son or daughter to meet you in the kitchen and get cooking. You will find that on top of creating a wonderful healthy meal, you will have fun and I’m betting you will have lots to talk about as well.

xo

p.s. next week, ask them to do their own laundry; not as much fun but, why are you doing their laundry any way?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Eek, I'm Out of Balance!!!!!!!

I took yesterday off from writing in my blog because I was so busy with regular work. I can’t believe that I actually just typed that because it exemplifies everything that I don’t believe in right now; being imbalanced and not prioritizing things that are important to me. Thank goodness I looked down at the “feedjit” bar and saw how many people had checked in with me this morning. You have made me accountable, and now I am motivated to post again.


My life is a little out of balance right now, but I recognize that this will be just for a short period of time. Getting my presentations up and going has been time consuming, along with, simultaneously, starting work at the college. This is more than I have worked in a long time! I got so caught up in everything I was doing that I forgot to take my meds last night and this morning as I rushed out the door at 8 a.m. My presentation at the high school went well, but half way through my body started to ache and I remembered that I had forgotten to take my pills. I grabbed a coffee on the way home and ingested my little friends; just waiting for them to take effect..........

It is amazing how dependent I have become upon my concoction of prescriptions, as well as, the consistency of work / life balance. My body and mind definitely depend on me choosing an effective ratio between the two. Being able to make this choice is certainly a gift and one that I hold on to with much gratitude. It was with passion that I tried to send this message to the students I presented to this morning. If even one 15 year old in that classroom understands and implements this concept, I will be happy.

Well, unfortunately my balance is a bit out of whack and so, I need to bid you adieu as I get ready to go to work. I promise a post with more substance tomorrow.

xo

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Once Upon a Time, 30 Years Ago.............

..........there was a place that I worked at as an aerobics instructor called the “Downtown Workout”. It was the most fun at any job that I have ever had. The relationships that were created there have maintained longevity as we still visit with one another after 30 years. We not only worked together; we went out together and often hosted dinner parties at each others’ homes. Since then I have moved through a variety of careers and have been increasingly financially successful, but there is no money that can replace the joy of the DW experience and the memories that were created there.

At one particular dinner party and after a few cocktails, we decided to share which part of our own body we most liked. We were all fitness buffs so each of us had fairly athletic physiques. One of us commented on her arms, the other her buttocks, yet another liked her abdominals and I felt confident that I my legs were my greatest attribute. Then it was my best friend’s turn. You need to know that this woman is all of 100 pounds and loaded with muscle. She has rock hard abs, incredibly built arms (or pipes as my kids would say), a beautifully chiselled back, and legs that were so powerful, they could move through 3 back to back aerobics classes without missing a beat. This woman had a body that not only looked amazing, but performed like an Olympic athlete in peak training. At that time, most of us at the table would have traded any body part for one of hers. We waited wondering which one she would choose as her favourite.

She thought for only a second, looked around the table and, with conviction, said, “I like my head”. Unbelievable!! We laughed until we couldn’t speak. Out of all of the parts of her breath-taking body, she chose her head?!?! At the time, I just thought it was funny. But today as I was walking my dog and enjoying the crisp, cool fall air, my mind wandered back to the memory of that night 30 years ago. I realized that even back then she had it all together. She knew that no matter how great you looked, it was everything underneath that exterior beauty that really made a difference. What went on in your head and how you perceived things, was what really made the difference.

She and I get together whenever we have the chance, and we are the best of friends. She still has abs of steel and she still runs every morning without much effort. She loves me for everything that I stand for, and she ignores all the imperfections that I think I may have. And for the record, she still really likes her head!!

Can't wait to see that beautiful head in 2 weeks sweetie!!!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Back Home

I am definitely a creature of habit. Four weeks ago we replaced our carpeting in all the bedrooms and an office that my husband used. What we thought would only be a weekend of disorganization turned out to be a month of chaos. A quick flooring project escalated into purging, shredding and downsizing. We have thrown out, given away, and sold trunk loads of “stuff” that, at some point in our lives, we must have thought we needed.

I used to work in my spa at a small antique desk that my husband gave me years ago. I loved that room because it provided me with the solitude I craved along with a secure environment that I created by surrounding myself with all the things I loved. We decided to “clean up” and I closed my spa at around the same time. After minimizing our lives, my husband and I decided that we would “share” the office upstairs. We purchased a beautiful new desk and a shelving unit and moved the desk top computer up to our newly carpeted work area. The desk is large enough for both of us to work at, and logistically, it is feasible. Emotionally, I could not get my head around it; I missed my little desk and all of my treasures.

Today, my husband and I moved my old desk up from the basement and found a corner in the office where it sits happily. I dusted it off and placed all of my favourite things on and around it. ~ a piece of drift wood fish that my daughter and I painted at the cottage; a paper mache mask that my son made one Hallowe'en; a golfer that he designed out of dried beans and lentils; and a valentines heart, also from my sweet girl. Letters from my husband, children, and girl friends, and trinkets and baubles that I have collected over the years. None of them hold any monetary value and yet they are worth everything in the world to me ~ so many irreplacable memories and sentiments............

My heart became warm as I sat in my little nook; I was back home again.  xo 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Stardust

Last night, feeling tired and unable to think any more, I sat back with a glass of wine, closed my eyes and listened to “Stardust” over and over again. The more I played it, the more absorbed I got in the melody, and the lyrics, and I wondered how Peggy Lee had created such a velvety texture to her voice. It wasn’t until I was searching for this rendition to share with you today that I realized that it was not Peggy Lee, but Doris Day singing with such bliss and passion. I tried to figure out what it was that so attracted me to this song. Why was it soothing me and drawing me in?
After many repeats, I realized that it wasn’t just the words or the sound of her voice that captivated me; it was the ambiance that she created that was alluring. The combination of the instrumental arrangement, the lyrics and the emotion that she somehow incorporated into every breath of the song is enthralling. She was living and breathing everything about this song. This is a story of someone she knew; a love story gone awry.

When you have time, sit back, click on the link below, and close your eyes and relax.  Let yourself be swept away into this mystical story of intrigue. In no time you will feel her love, her pain and her hopefulness.

xo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOG4zHUMZ7E

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Decision Making Made Easy

I woke up last night at around 3 a.m. and started wondering if I had made the right decision. It doesn’t matter what the decision had anything to do with, but that I was even contemplating whether it was a good or bad one was what is important. Just knowing that I couldn’t sleep for worrying about my choice, made me think about what I always tell my children, “your intuition is always right”. Having that “icky” feeling in your stomach is an incredibly strong message that your intuition is trying to tell you something. It may not seem logical and you may not be able to explain why you are feeling uncomfortable, but your intuition is connected to your heart and it is, in turn, connected to your integrity. That integrity is your compass for all decision making.

After not sleeping for several hours, I rolled out of bed and made a pot of coffee. I read my emails and the newspaper, and got ready for my day. I haven’t changed my mind yet, but I am still not convinced. Sometimes your intuition takes a little more time to convince you to follow your heart.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"Stuck"

Have you ever been sitting somewhere or doing something, and you thought, “I don’t think I can do this anymore?” And, you really mean it; you are done! You are bored, tired and completely uninspired. Whether your predicament stems from your job, spouse, the house or the city where you live, I am willing to bet it is because you had expectations and you settled.

You remember when you were young and you had dreams about where you would be in 10 years. Are you there? The real question of course is, “why do we settle?” Ah, go back one post ~ it’s all about our perception of being deserving or not. And then we starting thinking well, it’s too late to change anything; I’m stuck. Not so. Being “stuck” is again a paradigm of a situation. Really the feeling of being stuck is a very clear message that you need to do something different. Since we only live one life and are able to live each day only once and each moment is fleeting, perhaps you need to listen to that little voice and think about how to get unstuck. Think about how you can change the one thing that you can’t stand anymore. Think about what you can add to your life without changing anything else. Think about how you can change your way of thinking about being stuck to why you are stuck, and before you know it, you are solving the problem. Maybe you just think you are stuck, but your levels of gratitude have shifted.

All in all, wondering and hoping are fun until we begin to feel unfulfilled because we just dreamed of what we wanted and never did anything to make the dreams come true. Many people comment on all of the things that I have done in my life; some critically and some in awe. I have looked at every challenge and change as an opportunity and experience. Never once did I hesitate to do something that seemed intriguing. I have often felt “stuck”, but I never stayed there long because I’m not a "settling" kind of gal!

Monday, October 11, 2010

"Selfish" vs. "Deserving"

As a woman, being deserving can be a difficult concept to wrap your head around. Most of us have been brought up in a world where being deserving is confused with being selfish. From the time we are little girls we are taught to take care of everyone around us. Even if we are encouraged to strive for equality amongst the sexes, we tend to lean more toward a typical nurturing female role.

Since the beginning of time women took care of the all aspects of the home and family. The man was the one who worked the land, brought home the food and gave his wife and children shelter. He was rarely home, and when he was, he depended on his wife to feed him and care for his children. This was the case for centuries before women began to feel unfulfilled and taken for granted. The Feminist movement that we relate to the most is that of a social and cultural fight for equality in the 1960’s. The concept seemed quite simple as women believed in their right to obtain and be passionate about careers beyond house cleaning, babysitting and outside of the home. They demanded equal pay and equal opportunity; sounds fair and uncomplicated.

Here’s the glitch; we women actually thought that men would jump in and perform equal house and child care duties. Sorry ladies, although many of them did up the ante and pitch in a little more, their perception of equality in that area is a little different from ours. Not only does this pose a problem for us, but there is yet another glitch; we, the women, have a hard time voicing our discontent in that area. We are really good at defending ourselves when it comes to a pay raise or career advancement, but when it comes to asking our spouse for help with the house or the children, we somehow falter.

I know, you’re nodding your head in agreement and you’re trying to figure out, “why am I not more assertive about getting more help from him?” Here’s why. We (women) have a genetic predisposition to needing to take care of our family. We are natural nurturers and managers. We know that we can do it better and that overrides us handing the reigns over to him. The fact that they seldom volunteer to help, allows us to blame them for not doing their equal share. The reality is that we need to be willing to give them the leeway to do it their way before we can ask them to perform the task at all.

“But, why should I even have to ask?” you question. Well, you do because they are also prewired to come home after a day of work and relax. Remember up in paragraph 2; that’s what they have been doing forever. I know it’s not fair, but it is what it is and you need to get over it or, you will be doing everything for a long time and resentment will take over and well, that’s another blog post............

So back to “deserving” verses “selfish”. It is not selfish to want the same amount of time as your husband to do the things that you want to do. You are deserving of time and things and love and respect. But, listen carefully ~ if you don’t take the time to do the things that you love, you will never get the respect that you deserve, because it needs to come from you first. Then, maybe he will catch on............ but, you’ll probably still need to ask. And maybe that’s o.k.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Guilty or Not

Here’s the thing about guilt; it is a useless emotion. It is used by weak people in an attempt to manipulate others. People who use guilt to control others are masters at their trade. They may not even know they are guilty of imposing guilt as, over time, it becomes a lifestyle for them. They sometimes create fictional lives for themselves in order to inflict guilt onto their victims. These people are usually emotionally attached to you (mothers, husbands, friends) and so the guilt is easily transferred as your love for them deters you from retaliating against it. They use your emotions and the guilt as a means to ensure they will never lose you. Their expectations become unreasonable, but you are sucked in to believing that you are obligated to meet them or you will not be loved.

This is called “conditional love”. It is abusive and unacceptable. You will know if someone loves you unconditionally because they will never threaten you with guilt. You will never have the feeling of fault or blame. You will always feel self confident in your love for them and theirs for you. There will never be a power struggle between the two of you. Control is never an issue, and they will always pull you up, rather than put you down.

Remember that people cannot really make you feel guilty because it is you that has the power to allow this manipulation to occur or not. They may try to take advantage of your vulnerability, but it is you that needs to be aware and stop the guilty gods in their tracks. They are demons in a loved one’s body and they will destroy all that is good in your relationship with them. If they are persistent and cannot be stopped, my only advice is to run and run fast.

Friday, October 8, 2010

10 Commandments of Gratitude

As we move into the Thanksgiving Weekend, I share with you my 10 Commandments of Gratitude to follow every day of the year.


1. Be kind to yourself; take a moment each day to reflect on how deserving you are

2. Laugh out loud every day; it is contagious and feels amazing

3. Don’t take yourself so serious; nothing in life is that important

4. Be kind to everyone; even if they don’t reciprocate; they just don’t get it yet

5. Pay a compliment to each person you meet; they will feel great, and may pay it forward

6. Send one thank you note a week; there are many deserving people

7. Don’t be taken for granted; you deserve the same kindness that you deliver

8. Be yourself and shine; don’t allow other people’s expectations to diminish your light

9. Be creative; it is therapeutic and fulfilling

10. Follow your intuition; it is always right

Add to the list with your thoughts of gratitude by visiting "comments" below.
Wishing you many gifts of thanks!!
diana xo

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Altruism

I wonder what it would be like if we all paid attention to only the goodness in everyone we meet. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we focused on the things that people do well and on their positive attributes? Maybe we could take the time to pay at least one compliment to each person that we meet for an entire day.......

It sounds pretty simple and yet almost a fantasy as we live in a world that often works in the reverse. Every day we hear people criticizing others and searching for their flaws. Good intentioned individuals are scrutinized and pushed to reach unreasonable expectations, in their personal lives, at work or at school. Eventually, they are left feeling ungratified, unfulfilled and taken for granted.

Everyone deserves a kind word; even the grumpy elderly woman who pushes you aside at the cash register. You would be surprised what a smile and a kind gesture will do to turn her mood around. When the sales person doesn’t smile one day, you may be intrigued at how contagious a compliment can be.

Expecting perfection is an unrealistic approach to life. It dehumanizes people and devalues all of the great characteristics that lie beneath their want to please. Altruism is a gentler, kinder approach. Its root stems from the unselfish concern for the welfare of others. If we were all moved and motivated from this root, we would nurture people with love and their personalities would flourish.

Try it. Pick one stranger that you meet today, greet them with a kind word and a smile, and then pay them a compliment. I guarantee you will feel fabulous.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Oma

When I was a little girl my Oma (grandmother) came to visit us from Holland. We picked her up from the airport and as we drove from Toronto she looked out the window of the car in wonder and said, “when you see all that you can understand that the world is a big ball”. Once at our house she was fascinated by the singers and dancers on the Lawrence Welk show as she watched with a smile on her face for the entire hour. In the morning she would sit on our balcony in awe of the size of our back yard and savour the flavour of freshly brewed coffee.

I was home alone with her one day, and she tripped while coming out of the back door, and she couldn’t get up off of the patio. She sat there and told me that she was stuck. I wanted to call for help, but she laughed and told me that we should just wait for my mother to come home from work. I told her that it would be hours before my mother would return, and she said that if that was the case I should get some tea, snacks and a board game and enjoy the opportunity that was given to us. I made us some Earl Grey and brought out the Speculaas (Dutch cookies). Two hours went by quickly, and my mother came home and helped my Oma up off the ground. She had won 2 games of “Sorry” and let me win 3. The first thing she did once on two feet was go to pee.

I didn’t realize it as a young girl, but I now understand that my Oma knew that every moment presented to us is to be embraced. When you hear the phrase, “everything happens for a reason”, the reason is simply to live in what is happening and not to fear it. Experience it all and take from it what it presents. Oma would never have said any of these things. She would just dare to do and be. xoxo

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Volunteering for all the wrong reasons

I was chatting with a woman the other day about our daughters leaving home in a couple of years to head off to university. She was asking me what extra activities my daughter was doing above and beyond her high school studies. I indicated that she was concentrating on one sport, that she had a part time job, and she enjoyed spending time with her friends and her boy friend. When the opportunity arises and she has time, she will volunteer for a cause that she believes in. I laughed as I listed everything that she had going on in her life; in my mind I thought my daughter was a busy girl!

Interestingly enough there is a whole other view on that subject. This particular mother started giving me lists of organizations and people that my daughter and I needed to contact to get involved in. My 16 year old needed to rack up those volunteer hours in order to receive the “volunteer achievement” award and then another award if you added so many more hours to the original expectation. Another bonus, she told me, was that the more groups the girls joined and “activities” they added to their lives now, would increase their chances for acceptance into the universities of their choice.

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the paradigm this woman had laid before me. Her enthusiasm was contagious, and I was almost drawn into convincing my daughter to play the political game of spinning volunteer work into a complicated strategy to earn a degree. I quickly brought myself back to reality as my integrity turned around and slapped me in the face. It seemed really wrong to me that I would ask my daughter to go to a nursing home to read to the elderly so that she could add one more extracurricular activity to her resume. Since when was volunteering a scape goat for an education? When did we decide that helping people was a venue for career acceleration? How did we become such a self serving society?

It’s time for our children to learn what is important in life. We need to advocate kindness for the sake of kindness, work for the sake of work, and bring back the concept of achieving goals and caring for people the old fashion way and for the right reasons. I left our conversation thanking her for the info and wishing her and her daughter well. I then sent my daughter a text to see if she had time to go to a movie with me.