Balance

Well, an 8 hour drive to Detroit on Friday, a birthday dinner that night, shopping all day Saturday followed by another great dinner, early to bed and an 8 hour drive back today. My body hurts, and I am on the couch!!!! This is one of those weekends that cannot be balanced. Our family had the pleasure of enjoying the last weekend of summer together while bringing my son back to school. There is no way to avoid the imbalance that goes along with long travel and getting things done within a limited amount of time. This is one of those life experiences that you don’t want to miss. You suffer the consequences in order to enjoy time spent with your family.

Normally, my day progresses through a well thought out schedule that I have developed and have finely tuned over the last 5 years. It continually shifts to meet the needs of my body, but if followed, it allows me to move through each day relatively pain free. Any person living with an autoimmune disease and/or chronic pain eventually realizes that “balance” is the key component to living as healthily and pain free as possible. This word, “balance”, is used a lot these days, and many people believe that they are living in a balanced state. However, now that I am forced to do so (a true gift), I look around and I see much imbalance. I recognize it because I lived their life for most of my life.

I was born into a family who lived to work hard and earn their keep. Looking back, I recall my unbalanced state beginning at the age of 14 when I wanted a pair of Calvin Klein jeans from the moment I saw Brooke Shields flaunting them in a Seventeen magazine. They were $90 and my mother chuckled when I bravely asked her for a pair. She told me that I could have the jeans when I earned my own money and could pay for them myself. And so, I did just that; I got a job at the local library working 3 days a week after school. I earned $4.50 an hour straightening the books, and bought the jeans after working for 2 months. I looked good in those jeans, and this began my journey of imbalance; working for “stuff” instead of fulfillment. My parents had to work for material things as well, but they were items of necessity; a house, car, clothing, and food. My stuff was that of abundance and indulgence.

Recognize the pattern? We have evolved into a society of “stuff” and activities. In order to maintain these possessions and luxuries, we must work so hard that we fall into bed at night wondering how we accomplished everything on the list. We have convinced ourselves that we are practicing a balanced life because we are “doing it all”. This is not balance; this is actually managing imbalance. No time to read a book, go for a walk, enjoy a hobby or eat dinner together. “Quality” time has become a luxury. We have been coerced in believing that a small amount of “quality” time is better than “quantity” when it could be a balance of both. We are all in such a rush that a family meal at the dining room table may only happen once a month as hockey, basketball, and piano lessons take precedence over conversation. Breakfast is a one by one quick trip to the granite top counter as we rush out the door. We are so convinced that, in order to be worthy, our children need the highest marks, be the star of the football team, or be mentioned in the local paper. Somewhere along this road of accomplishments we missed the greatest goal of all; the enjoyment of life itself.

I was drawn into this world of competition for most of my and my children’s lives. We wanted it all, and we felt that we had to compete to get ahead. After all, everyone else was doing it. We lost a lot of ourselves through this whirlwind of want. My husband and I have both been inflicted with autoimmune diseases. There is a genetic component in both Rheumatoid Arthritis and Diabetes however self destruction is really the culprit of our demise. We thought that we had everything under control because we justified that we spent time travelling with our kids, exercised regularly, ate relatively well, and felt fairly healthy. The truth is that we only slept 6 hours a night in order to accomplish everything we had signed up for. We really didn’t take the time to assess how well we were actually feeling. If we had, we would have admitted that we were exhausted and not well at all. We had no balance. No time to recuperate. No time to relax. No time to enjoy the passions of life. No time to experience our creative selves. No time................

Even when I was given my diagnosis 5 years ago, I would not give in. I was determined to move forward and fight this crippling disease. I knew that I needed to make some changes, and I thought I had. My day became a fine balance of work, play, relaxation, exercise & physiotherapy, food, medication, family and sleep. I quickly learned that I needed to establish a friendly relationship with my disease; I had to learn to live in harmony with it. I was good, or so I thought. My balance would shatter when I competed with my body and would not deviate from my schedule or plan. If I was having a bad day, I would soldier on and ignore the signs. I was fighting my friend, R.A. and she was winning. Since then my disease is progressing and medications have had to be altered and added on several times. Physically, I am not as strong, and I have bone and muscle problems. I can no longer do the physical work of my career. Balance for me has taken on a new meaning once again. I am adjusting and am finally at peace with my new existence and have, once again, made friends with my disease. I had a nice weekend with my family, but today, on this Labour Day, 2010, I am laying on the couch watching movies with my daughter.