Faking It or Feeling It

My life used to consist of lists. Every day I would write a list of things to do, a list of things to buy, a list of places to go, and a list of people to see. I had lists of lists. As I completed each item, I would cross it off with a great sense of accomplishment. Once I moved down to having 2 or 3 items left on the list, I would move them over to the top of a new list. And so it went. My reward wasn’t just completing the list, but ensuring that another was ready to go. Because I believed that I was only worthy by completing tasks, I felt a great sense of accomplishment each time my pen swept across an item on the list. Getting closer to the end was an adrenaline rush that only someone who is disillusioned by fake happiness can feel.

You may be reading this thinking, “Did she really believe that those lists could make her happy”? But in all probability, you are saying, “I do that”! You have most likely joked about your list making and how crazy busy you are. You move through each day completing the lists and preparing the new ones for the next day. You drop into bed every night later than expected because you have been preparing your lists for the next day.  You fall asleep with visions of your lists floating around in your head. You wake up in the morning and the lists pop up and prompt you to jump out of bed. No time to waste; you have to get started on the lists.

The only list I now make is my grocery list. I have to, or I will forget what I need. The rest remains unwritten. There is absolutely nothing in my life that really needs to be done today. I get ready in the morning and go to my desk and sit down. It has reminders all over it of what needs to be done. I first look in my day timer to see if I have any appointments; they are a priority as people are expecting me to show up. I then take care of any paper work that needs to be completed. After that, it is work and writing.

The absence of the list making allows me to do what feels good instead of moving through fake “should do’s” written on a piece of paper. It enables me to spend time on things that bring me joy, rather than pretending that finishing trivial chores brings me any kind of authentic fulfillment. Yes, I do still need to do mundane chores in order to maintain my household and daily living, but they are no longer my main focus. I have abandoned “faking it” and moved on to “feeling it”.