Fighting with Patterns

It all started three days ago when I went down to the basement to get my luggage. I had decided to use the small suitcase in an attempt to pack minimally. You know the smaller one of the set of two that you would normally use for a weekend away. We would be away for ten days and would be experiencing two climate changes so, the fact that I even thought this was remotely feasible was a bit of a joke.

As I now sit on the plane after attempting and being unsuccessful in trying to have a nap, I chuckle to myself reflecting on how I tried to shove 15 full outfits, 5 pairs of shoes including running shoes, work out wear, bathing suits, 2 sun hats, makeup and toiletries (remember, I’m a skin therapist) in, what seems now, a little wee bag. I barely got half of the clothes in, and quickly realized that I needed to go back downstairs for the big suitcase; the one that expands so that you can bring home the clothes that you bought while shopping on your trip.

Walking down the stairs with the small suitcase in tow, I knew that there would be a comment made about, not necessarily the size of the big bag, but definitely about the weight. His suitcase would be the same size, but would not be as heavy. I could barely lift it, so I knew it would be dually noted. Although I knew that it was just his way of “pulling my chain”, I started thinking of ways to justify the amount of wardrobe changes I was bringing with me. My mindset swiftly moved into justification mode. I worked hard to fight that pattern, but once it began, I found it difficult to challenge its intricate weave. After many years of watching the women in my family feel the need to defend what they wanted to do and say, I was determined to fight my destiny of the same.

I took a deep breath and wiped my thoughts clean. The paradigm of needing to have a reason for what I packed for a trip was ridiculous. “Away with you, bad, unreasonable thoughts”. I put my ipod in the docking station and cranked up the music. I focused on the lyrics and sang with the passion of Barbra Streisand. This was my meditation; my way of cutting off the power of others’ control. I was empowered, and I packed everything that I could think of that I might possibly want to wear at any given moment. I included extra scarves, belts, purses and jewellery and even an extra pair of shoes. Gone was the minimalist theory; I was bringing it all!!

Yesterday, my husband loaded the car. When he lifted up my bag, he looked at me and smiled. He never said a thing. It felt like because I had released the energy of the past and blocked the pattern, he failed to receive the cue to comment.

On our way to the airport last night, I sat in the car and thought about all of the items in my suitcase. Damn, I had forgotten to pack my pyjamas!!!!!!