Forgiveness

I met up with a friend in a store the other day, and I haven’t spoken with her for a very long time. This was a conscious decision I made, not to have her in my life. For the past year, I have taken great effort to repel her from my existence, and it took a lot of effort on my part to achieve this alienation successfully. I felt like I was quitting smoking, cold turkey; very uncomfortable, and with no warning to her. Not discussing my abrupt change of behaviour was not an acceptable course of action as I reacted in defence rather than from my heart. I have known all along that I should have dealt with this conflict one on one, but I went the “tough guy” route and simply rejected her instead.

What she did to me 2 summers ago was inexcusable and extraordinarily hurtful. If you recall from my previous “what you need to know about me as a friend.........,” I don’t react well to being hurt by those who love me. I generally become very hard on my exterior and decide to eliminate the attacker by running away. And so, that is what I did. I was told that she probably doesn’t even realize what she had done and that I should just forgive her and move on. Because I was so incredibly hurt, I just couldn’t fathom how she could not know how her actions affected me and others. Was she really that unaware of her own feelings that she couldn’t see the arrows flying towards me? Was she so emotionally detached that she could only focus on what she wanted and how she would benefit from her actions?

A lot of time has passed and I have grown emotionally over the past year. I no longer require the crutch of a friend, but rather offer, welcome and appreciate a friend’s support and love. It’s more difficult to hurt me because I am my own best friend and rely on my own validation. I believe that there is good in everyone and that most people’s intentions are good. If someone does hurt me, she doesn’t intend to; she just hasn’t had that incredible moment of awakening when we realize what truly matters.

So, as I walked toward this person in the store, and had a choice to turn around and run or smile and forgive; I chose the latter. We chatted for about 30 minutes, as if nothing had ever happened. I do forgive her for her transgressions, and I think that over time, I may even forget. Maybe not; time will tell, but at least I am at peace with myself, and hopefully, she is too.