Having had many people comment on how confident I must be to publically display my thoughts on my blog, I realized how little my readers really know about me. I suppose I feel better now about releasing my feelings into cyber space than I did when I first created my blog, but I do still say a little prayer each time just before I press the “publish post” button.
I remember the day I spent creating the blog, moving step by step through the process of creating gadgets, profiles, favourites lists, music play lists and comment boxes. This was fun and exciting. It was the next day that I realized what I had got myself into. This was the day that I had scheduled the writing of my first post. Writing it was the easy part. I was determined and careful to write each phrase with the reader in mind while ensuring that my view point was embedded in the message. Checking spelling and grammar, I read and re-read that piece at least 10 times. I was happy with the end result and cut and pasted it into the “post” box. I looked at it, and felt proud of what I had created. All I needed to do was press the “publish post” button. All I had to do was send my thoughts on to the internet airways. All I needed to do was share my inner most feelings with anyone who felt like reading them. This required moving outside my comfort zone in a big way.
And how did I suddenly muster up this courage? Well it didn’t come suddenly and it didn’t come quietly. It came to me long after receiving a gift that was disguised as a disease. Unbeknownst to me, this was the best present that had ever been delivered to me. At the time, I didn’t think the surprise was very positive. Its arrival initially disempowered me and pushed me into a very passive place. I didn’t like what I was given and I refused to accept it. I thought if I ignored it, it might go away. But it didn’t; it wanted to stay with me. And so, as much as I didn’t like the present, I befriended it because as time moved forward, it became very clear that it wasn't going away.
And so, I embraced it. I got to know everything about its character and personality and I welcomed it into my body and my life. I decided that instead of trying to return something I had no chance of giving back, I would welcome it and allow it to be a part of me. This may sound like a logical, easy decision, but it required more courage than I have ever had to use for anything in my life. Learning to live with my disease and all of the changes that came with it required more self confidence than I thought I had.
It took about a year for us to fully understand each other, and we now live quite comfortably together. Its a give and take relationship; a love hate friendship. I surrendered myself to my gift, and as a result, the gift kept giving. It taught me to be patient and kind. It showed me how to be understanding and empathetic. It instilled an abundance of faith and trust in me towards others. It enabled me to love everyone, even those who could not love me back. This gift gave me the ability to be grateful for the smallest of blessings. These are the gifts that we search for our whole lives and don’t even know we are looking for. It is because of this unwelcomed gift and everything else that followed its delivery that I have the confidence and courage to write in my blog.
You have done this with such grace and ease that it's good to remind us all of your motivation. Kudos kid!
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