My Friend

Today, I woke up with a runny nose, low grade fever and sore, swollen hands, otherwise known as a “flare” in the world of autoimmune diseases. This will be a day that I stay inside and rest.

For many that would be a blessing; to just stay home on a rainy day and lay around and do nothing. And that it is, if it is your choice to do so. Unfortunately, the victims of autoimmune deficiencies are forced to make choices that are out of their control in order to manage their disease. To be as healthy as possible, they must be so attuned to their body that when it speaks, they respond appropriately and immediately. Misinterpreting the message or, deciding to fight the symptoms can force a flare to spiral out of control.

It took me a year or more to come to the conclusion that I needed to befriend my disease. It was difficult for me to understand how something so outwardly invisible could make me feel so horrible on the inside. I understand why others cannot relate to my discomfort or grief because they cannot see the pain or understand my feelings of loss. I usually hide my discomfort behind a smile and conversation. Some think I do this for their benefit, and that is partially true. However, it is also an attempt to distract myself from the continual malaise that inhabits my entire being.

And so, I eventually learned that this distraction I needed would require my welcoming my R.A. We now live happily together most of the time as I live by her schedule and provide her with the sustenance she requires; that being medication prescribed by my faithful rheumatologist. When I feed her, put her to bed on time and don’t over work her, she is content and quiet. If her dinner is late, her schedule is altered and she works more than usual, she becomes irritated and boisterous.

Unfortunately, the pharmacy ordered my monthly medication too late and I was 4 days behind in feeding my friend. She became hungry and is now retaliating. Like a small child, she didn’t get what she wanted, when she wanted so, she is punishing me.

And so, I must end my post as my fingers are stiff and throbbing. I have been up for 2 hours and it is time for a rest. The goal is finding balance in every facet of every hour today. Tomorrow will be much better if I give my friend what she needs today.............