Expectations

I lay on the couch today with a heating pad on my neck, and I closed my eyes as I listened to the silence. I breathed in and out slowly, and thought about what I had realized only moments before ~ “I do have expectations”. I knew that I had expectations of myself, and that I was slowly winning the battle of ”adjusting” them. Until this moment, I had really convinced myself that what others expected of me did not matter. For a very long time, I believed that anyone who came in or out of my life could exist as they pleased, and their actions or words would have no impact on me. Not so!!

I have read every self help book, watched every Oprah show, meditated, analysed every song on the radio and sat in church and prayed to find the strength to disengage from patterns of guilt and expectations. Using the phrase of an inspiring friend, “I am a work in progress”, and, although I have experienced significant growth, I have a long way to go!!

Forever a person who is up for a challenge, I find that I am tired; tired of trying to find the perfect anecdote for happiness. I am tired of needing a reason to do what I want to do. Tired of not having the courage to say, “no, I don’t want to do that”. I am tired of pleasing others while sacrificing my own needs. Sounds selfish? Maybe, maybe not.

I realize that much of my life has been about pleasing others, thus the rant about “expectations”, whether they are my own or others. Sometimes I wonder who I really am..........the good daughter, the devoted wife, the loving mother, the loyal friend............. all expected traits of a good person. But “who” am I, and how did I become this person?

As I lay on the couch, it came to me; I am this person that everyone expected me to be with added character traits that come from deep within. The conflict is the ratio of the expected and who I really am. They fight each other, and the "expected" wins, while the "true self" becomes frustrated and angry as she yearns to pop out and take over.  And so, I guess it is time for me to dare myself instead of you. Dare myself to be worthy enough to really be myself, rather than allow the person others expect me to be, to be in control.