"Bonita"

Recently, at an art show in the park, I walked by a Tarrot Card reader named, Bonita, and decided on a whim to be courageous and sit in front of her.  Part of me said,"eek, don't do it", but another part of me said, "she is going to tell you something you need to think about".  And she did.  She told me a few things that I already knew about myself.  Apparently, my OCD aura was in full force that day!  She then closed her eyes and there was silence.  After what seemed a very  long time (only a few moments), she looked directly into my eyes and told me that I never grieve............anything or anyone.  I looked at  her, sat back and crossed my arms; I was not receptive to this revelation at first.  Then she continued to clarify; "in your life you don't cry for those who die and you don't cry when you experience life changes; you take care of things and solve problems".  Ummmmm, that's true.  "Eventually, not grieving for your losses, if it hasn't already, will manifest in you some other way; you may become ill".  O.k this is weird; it was too much to process all at once; does the truth really hurt?  Why didn't I grieve?  What was stopping me?  I never really thought about it.  She continued, "something happened to you a long time ago that made you feel like, from that moment on, you had to take care of everyone and be the one in control; the strong one".

Have you ever thought that you were doing really well; making changes, evolving; take care of yourself, and then "Bonita" comes along and you think you have been hit over the head with a sledge hammer, "I have a lot of work to do!!"  At first I was not inviting of this information.  I walked into the art show feeling care free and relaxed, and I left feeling like I needed therapy.  Then I took the time to process what she said.  I had to think about whether or not what she communicated was true, which it was, and then I decided to look back on my past to determine specific instances that I did not grieve.  There were so many that I could not count them.  Bonita really made me think about how I process things and events.  How I protect myself.  How we all protect ourselves from things and people.  I dared my self to go where I have feared to go for a very long time.  It is scary, but very necessary if I want to know more about myself, how I tick and how I can move forward and be healthy.

Daring yourself to really look inward is your homework today.