True Essence

15 days until my 50th birthday. I do not consider it a major event, and I am not afraid of growing older. I actually embrace it as I am getting to know who I really am more and more as I enter this next decade. I contemplate how differently I view all aspects of life from when I was 40. Over the last 25 years, I have created and nurtured a life rich in love and happiness. My family and friends, and my connection and time with them are more valuable to me now than ever before. I have no regrets. I anticipate and welcome more self awareness as the days, weeks and years move forward.

I take life less seriously now, although I am much more insightful and accepting to personal change and enlightenment. As a result, I am more accepting of all kinds of people, who they are and how they look. I am less patient and intolerant of unkindness. Its character lacks congruency with mine, and this causes unrest and conflict. My love for those who use it as a shield continues but, it is strained and uncomfortable by their unwillingness to dive into facing what scares them. Through my work, I have spoken daily with women about this very thing. “Something is missing,” “I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself over the years,” “I don’t feel whole any more,” “I’m tired all the time,” etc. Rather than just console them, “I know, me too,” “I’m tired too,” “Life is so busy,” I dare to ask them, “You feel this way for a reason; can you think of why?” Those who really want to make a difference wake up and start talking. Those who are afraid to look deep within, deny themselves the luxury of learning about their inner selves, finding out what they fear and growing emotionally; everything is every one else’s fault, and everything becomes a “whose right and whose wrong” issue. I know these people very well because I used to be one of them. I recognize now how tiring I was. How intimidating I was. How scary I was.

I have slowly changed because I couldn’t survive this way. I became extremely unhealthy and I was becoming toxic to all those around me. I have found the courage to look deep into my soul and find the essence of who I really am. This has been a sometimes painful travel as I faced demons that I have been running from for half a century. I experienced a decline of health, and as a result, loss/change of career and friendships. These are not easy to let go of.  But I did, and as a result, I dared to look within and slowly experienced emotional and spiritual growth. What I have gained has been well worth the agony of digging deep within myself to establish what I cherish the most, which is very simply, me. The love that I have for myself is most valuable. For if I do not love all that I am, how can I love anyone else?

I lost the will and energy to maintain my sense of self as it was and which I thought was a reflection of my self worth. I used to think that the value was in what I am, rather than who I am. I quickly learned that career and “stuff” do not define me. It does not matter how much money I make, how many hours I spend exercising, or how many calories I have eaten; whether or not I have a university degree, I am fat or thin, or my business is large or small; that my children are star athletes or highly academic, or  that my husband is a millionaire or a pauper.  How I treat people and the time I take to get to know and show my love for them is an indication of my true character and my integrity. It is where I am comfortable; it is where I feel confident and safe. It is who I truly am. I have learned that the gentler I am with people, the gentler they will be in return. The more respect I show them, the more I will receive.  The kinder I am to myself, the kinder I am to others.  Those who reject this kindness and continue to seek happiness otherwise will now experience resistance from me. I will not be vulnerable to the persistence of competition and the promotion of defensive reactions; they develop anxiety and an “on-guard” environment which is not congruent with my state of mind. I do not envision any reward in defending my character. I refuse to sacrifice my sense of self within any relationship, no matter how much love or time has been invested. I continue to grieve my past self as she was a good and giving person. She just lacked the love of herself that would make her complete and content.

I invite you to reflect on what you are missing and dare to dig deep to find out what you fear. You will then find your true essence through surprising inner revelations.