The Bonus of Authenticity

The amazing road from feeling numb and disempowered to a place of feeling and empowerment is, unfortunately, the “road less traveled”. We wonder, “Why do we most often choose the route of self abandonment and emotional pain?” Why do we feel that we are not worthy of happiness and sheer joy? So many of us find ourselves in this predicament, and yet, we do nothing about it; we stand still. Years and years go by. We know we should release ourselves, but we stay and, slowly, we lose all sense of ourselves.

Knowledge, experience and finally desperation sometimes bring some of us to a place of action and such gratitude that we finally found the courage to escape our own gated community of suppression. With all of this freedom comes other fears to face; will my husband support me, what will my children think, will my friends understand? And with all of this possible support, thinking and understanding, how will they respond?

I got to a point of such utter self loss that I didn’t care. I felt that it was “do or die”. I was so good at acting happy that I don’t think anyone realized how I was feeling. I moved into a self recovery mode, and didn’t even explain my thoughts or actions to anyone close to me. It was difficult for them because this was an extension of the person they thought they knew, but had never seen before. My sub-conscious plan was a surprise to everyone including me. It evolved solely out of a need to survive emotionally.

You may wonder, “Why would you put them through the mystery, the worry and the wonder of your transformation?  Why wouldn't you just explain it to them?” I couldn't.  It was time for me to just do it.  It was because, without realizing it, I knew that the outcome would be positive for everyone who knew me. I worried that if I talked about it, someone might try to talk me out of it, including me.  I also knew at the time that I had no energy or thought capacity for explanations. I was still in the initial stages of my evolution and explaining "me" to others at that point would have felt more like defending myself. Justifying "me" was what I had done all my life, and I had been living a fraudulent persona for a very long time. I was now moving toward authenticity so, having to explain myself was not congruent with what my true self was. I was tired of explaining and ready to just be me.

Somehow, I was confident that anyone in my life who truly loved me would stick around no matter how scary the introduction of me, as I really am, would be. I was confident because I knew that the real me was the only way that I could exist and be happy, and if I was happy then those around me would be as well. There were some bumpy periods, but we all got through them quite unscathed. The few people that left my immediate world are living happily in theirs.  I wish them only authenticity and joy.

I think that although I have undergone a significant transformation, my fake self and I have always had one thing in common; the love of others. The added bonus of authenticity is that I now also love me as I really am.