Success and Happiness

I have been away from my blog this week as I have been preoccupied with setting up some university visits with my daughter who is sorting out "what she wants to be when she grows up".  After a few days of much discussion, I had to finally write about our thoughts about it all.

I don’t believe that anyone can do anything they want to do. I do not have the skill set or the academic ability to become a physician although I love helping people. I don’t have the physical capacity to perform the duties of a brick layer or a construction worker although I love to create. I am definitely incapable of anything related to science or detailed technology although I am interested in both subjects. We need to think about what our children are capable of achieving when we guide them in their future career endeavours. So often, we place unreasonable dreams of infinite abilities in their minds, and, subsequently, do them an incredible disservice when the goals become unachievable.

We are also masters at ignoring their likes and dislikes. Assuming that because a child excels at a certain subject or activity is indicative that she will be happy doing it for the rest of her life can be the difference between being personally fulfilled and yearning for that certain something else. Acknowledging their true passion and abilities is the most supportive thing that any parent can do for their teenager. Encouraging them to pursue that talent is the next. Equally impactful, is recognizing that being capable doesn’t equate to a love of something.

There is great value in supporting our children when they are pursuing goals that are attainable and within their achievement realm.  However, advocating that a person is “capable of anything you set your mind to” can set them up for disheartening failure and deflating self confidence. It will diminish one’s self esteem as much as criticism does. Equally damaging is assuming that your child’s dreams are the same as yours. We seem to take great pride in the similarities that we have with our children, and yet they usually do not accept any likeness to us as complimentary. They often, in fact, loathe the very thought of it.

When we repeatedly comment on how much they resemble us and act like us, we indirectly create expectations that we want them to be like us. They begin to, subconsciously, feel like they will let us down if they don’t fulfill this legacy. Our likes and dislikes overtake our children’s perception of what they feel they need to do and be; great expectations with disappointing consequences. Your children have their own selves to get to know, develop and nurture. They need to find their own way without our subliminal suggestions quietly fulfilling the dreams that we had but didn’t experience.

The next time you sit down with your child get to know her as if you are meeting her for the first time. Find out what makes her smile, what makes him feel good, and what she looks forward to. This is a great start in the direction of happiness because these are the things that will matter the most to him in 20 or 30 years. This is what real success is made of.